Control

“I can’t control my feelings, but…”
The things we can’t control always seem to the be the things that cause us the most strife,
The grief we feel that comes form the overwhelming feeling of helplessness,
The utter feeling of not knowing, of wishing and wanting, for things that seem just of out our reach,
Those are the worst emotions we all must feel in order to be a player in the game of life, but,
Isn’t it funny who we let control us?
How we let certain emotions and people and things reign over us, like they deserve power?
But that should never be the case,
I want to be free of the emotional burden,
And you do not get to reign over my like my lord, my king, or some person that has control over my thoughts and feelings,
Because why should we ever let anyone have that much power over us?
We are the makers of our own happiness, or so I’ve heard,
And maybe I’m tired of people telling me its okay to feel deeply, to love freely,
Because what good does it bring…
Heartbreak? A memory of a better time; a better version of who I once was?
Or does it give us more material to carve out a beautiful, yet broken soul, mixed with the wants and needs of a love that will never be met.
Repair, reset and love again.
Either way, what’s happened is and the will be has yet to come,
And living on this hollowed prayer can only sustain a broken sinner for so long,
So while I can’t seem to control anything, let me at least control my thoughts,
Because a broken heart can be fixed, if given time and a strong sedative,
But a broken soul…not even time can repair the damage of the things we can’t control.

 

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Made of Glass

Loving you came with so many consequences,
Expectations I couldn’t have seen, didn’t want to,
Things I couldn’t face because that admitted defeat.

Yet you tore through my walls,
Circled this same thought thousands of times before,
The same poison that I’d always down with ease,
Because being intoxicated by you is a fantasy I can’t let go,
Each drink of you burning its way down my throat,
Until all that clouds my judgment was you.

Every thought and desire etched in you
And every gasp I drew was buried in the moans I gave to you,
My body unable to say no,
Your touch setting aflame the better parts of me,
The parts that didn’t hide behind the way things should be.

Each sign pointed to my wants and needs that seemed to only focus on you,
My body wouldn’t let me forget who it was that made me yearn in ways I never had.
And I don’t want anyone else but you,
I must be made of glass, because you seem to see right through me.

And I wish I could cover myself,
Shield myself from the you and way you made me feel
I wish I could, wish I could fall back on old ways that gave me more control.
But you seized a hold on my heart and I hate you for it,
Because it gave you the reigns long before I gave it permission.

You’re in my veins, in every breath I draw and every cry I make,
I don’t remember who I am without you,
(Some days I lose myself in the memories of what never was)
And that terrifies me more than you’ll ever know.

reminders of you

Of all the things I thought I knew, you were the biggest surprise
You came at me, in ways I thought I could control,
Yet still shocked that I couldn’t
And who am I without the very control I built throughout the years,
Built thorough the betrayals and broken hearts.
(Yet I’m still dazed that your heartbreak cut me the deepest)
I can’t keep your memories,
They suffocate me and bury me under wishes hopes and dreams,
I gave you everything, and all I have to show are these broken memories of a happier time, a better me.

(But dear God, hope is the most dangerous thing about you.)

But that is neither here nor there,
That was another time, a lifetime ago it feels,
And I can’t keep the past from letting me experience the life I still need to live.
No more wanting things to be what they once were,
No more wishing that I could change that happened,
No more sitting in front of the alabaster stone, talking to the air,
Because at least I have those small moments,
Forever hidden in the depths of my heart,
But they still manage to make their ways into my mind,
Creating storms in my calm state.
As the tears threaten to leave my eyes, my heart aches with the small reminders of you,
So while your heart breaks, my heartbreak will carry my through that life I need to live,
Always letting me keep the reminders of you close.

The Way You Once Missed Me

I wish I could have loved you the way you once missed me,
I can’t have you, all of you, only for you to disregard me,
Like another trophy on your shelf,
Like I was a question that you thought didn’t deserve an answer,
Or a puzzle that couldn’t find its missing piece.
Darling, I forgive you after all that’s said and will be said,
Because I know you are my downfall and I’ll keep falling,
Like Eve to the apple, Lucifer to his pride,
I can’t seem to shed myself of this sin,
And I’ve been here before. I have to have been.
Because this is too familiar and too raw to have been felt only once,
This longing…this remorse for you is too much to have been felt once in a lifetime.
So I kept the broken parts, kept the fragments that could have made us,
And tried to glue them together with ruined promises.
Still, I can’t say I’m surprised when they began to fall apart,
After all, how good are promises that are built on doubts and cracked beliefs?

Conflict of Interest

Its funny how easy I can separate myself from you,
Where you have been everything and yet nothing to me,
It’s a hard line to draw, even harder to cross,
Yet I find myself straddling it time and time again,
Laughing because he will never be you,
And he can never come close to the way you’ve made me feel.
It’s even funnier because I could never really escape you,
No matter how I fought, how much I denied,
You always showed up in my rear view mirror,
Always throwing me off the course I set myself on.
For better or worse, you were always a constant,
And I can’t even hate you for it, no matter how I wish I could;
It would’ve been so much easier to deny, deny, deny, (but I could never deny you).
I know this game, its always used to be the same for me,
Looking up from underneath—same bed, different face,
What should have been and what was always conflicted,
But then there’s you. The place to rest my heart and head,
Two things that never seemed to agree until they met you.

Tell Me Why the Caged Bird Sings

I can’t keep you the way I want,
Beautiful creatures aren’t meant to be caged.
Just ask the bird who lost her ability to sing,
Lost the melody that made her dismal existence brighter.
Or ask the blackened nights why they no longer cast a glow among the night.
When even the stars can’t bring themselves to shine bright,
Too eager to be hidden by the clouds and that false sense of security,
That they let themselves be blinded and pushed aside.

Someone once said they knew why the caged bird sang,
A beautiful creature trapped for the enjoyment of another,
Even that existence seems cruel, to fool the bird into a false hope,
To keep her from experiencing life in its fullest and simplest.
Something that keeps us, comes back to each other, time and time again.
A sense of bravado, perhaps, of hope; a promise of things to come,
The promise of a better love of tomorrow than the expectations of today,
But you are not a bird, and I refuse to be that cage that keeps you.
Yet, we find ourselves trapped in something more,
And darling, hope is the cruelest thing about you.

I can’t seem to help myself when it comes to you though,
You make me want to trap you by my side,
Lie with you under the setting sun and the peaking stars,
Stars too eager to make themselves known in the light of my passion,
This passion, though, seems to come with a bit of danger,
Hidden by the nights where you don’t have the moon to guide you,
A blind affection that keeps me prisoner,
Just like that bird that sits in front of the open cage door,
The same one that only sings for you, it seems,
Blinded by that affection, by the melody it hears when only you are around,
Why, why did that caged bird sing?
Why, when its tune was broken and cracked,
Its melody scattered into the very pieces that once made up a beautiful creature,
Why does it choose to stay, when freedom is so close…when escape becomes reality?
But perhaps, that is a question for different someone,
Someone who does not wish to keep beautiful creatures like you caged,
Who can control their own selfish desires and not is swayed by your melody.
Someone once asked why the caged bird sings,
And the answer is hope; because, hope is the cruelest thing about love.

Oh Little F*ckBoy

Boys are cute when they think they have earned more than the reward gives,
All sweet talk until the word no comes into play,
And when his begging and moaning don’t give him what he desires,
He turned to insults and pettiness, as though that makes him a man,
So he thinks he can play his games for a little bit longer?

Well dear, let me explain a few things to you,
“You are not entitled to my body, the sounds I make nor the pictures I take,”
So he rants and complains like a wounded ego only could,
And you watch, as this pathetic creature becomes a mere blimp in your radar,
Because while you don’t care what this stranger has to offer,
He will write paragraphs of the wrongs you’ve done him,
(Even when you hardly know him; this little boy who can’t handle a bruise ego,
His will use every insult in the book to make sure you remember him)

So you laugh, because what else is there to do?
And when he has huffed and puffed until he is blue in the face,
You will calmly thank him for wasting your time,
And tell him you’ve had other, far more important things to do,
So tell him to take care of his tiny dick and his little fuckboy mentality
And pray that the next girl he pulls this one on has as much balls as you,
For what is a fuckboy when girls no longer pay attention to him?
He becomes nothing more than laugh over drinks;
A screenshot of a pathetic excuse of a man, who can’t get his dick wet,
And is left with his poor abused hand to keep him company throughout the night.