the effects of liquor

The effects of liquor have never eluded me until I met you,
More and more my need falls just short of that one thing,
I only want to feel the effects of the liquor coursing through my veins,
But its slur and haze holds an appeal in a different way then what it used to,
Now, it seems, the alcohol doesn’t grip me in the dark intensity it used to,
Rather it seems light, bubbly and full of a feeling I’m too scared to give a name.

Now, it’s not the only thing that makes me feel drunk and in love with the words I write,
Now, the glass isn’t the first thing I reach for to help me write, letting me swallow my words with so much more ease.
Now, it’s not the only thing that can make me smile at the stupid thoughts I find myself thinking,
Mostly about you, but I’d kept them at bay for so long its unusual to think them so freely and frivolously,
Is it wrong to feel less and less guilty when I’m this happy?
Yet, nothing can compare to the way you make me feel each moment spent with you,
And this hazy, sex feeling alludes to something that I still haven’t seemed to grasp,Sinking like stone, falling from each high you’ve placed me on,
But, I only want to reach out for your hand.
Only want you to be the one to catch me upon my descent.
And these feelings, these emotions that are too complicated and raw for me to give a name, they escape me in the moments I need them most.

Isn’t it funny that the words are always on the tip on my tongue?
Yet I can’t let my lips form them to tell you how much you mean.
They escapes me in the worst possible way, ways that make me question what it would be like without you…
(And those thoughts bring me to my knees, my heart breaking in ways I can’t piece together)
Because all I want is to make you mine, all I want is to keep you in this bed,
Never letting reality touch our sanctuary
But I know fantasies don’t have a place in our reality,
Not when our reality feels so much like one anyways,
And I can’t help but to smile, so freely and lovingly, it’s shocking for a heart like mine.
And I wish everyone would stop telling me they see it all over my face,
Hate the way my heart soars and my cheeks ache,
(I’d never admit that its my favorite feeling in the world next to your love)
So while the effects of liquor no longer hold me in the ways they used to,
I can’t seem to let go of this new drunken feeling with you.
This hazy, sex feeling that keeps me enthralled with the essence of you.

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Word Press Contest

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Very humbled to get nominated for so many contests all of a sudden, its nice to know that other people enjoy reading my work as much as I like writing it! Thank you Jade Literary Magazine for nominating me for the WordPress 2018 Contest!

  1. If you were granted one wish what would it be?
    To know everything was gonna work out the way it was meant to.
  2. Dogs or cats?
    Dogs all the way.
  3. Space or Ocean?
    I love space imagery, but I think I would like exploring the ocean more.
  4. If you were roaming around alone in an alley and you saw a chest and opened it, what would you pick- the potion to end feeling pain or the potion to stop causing pain?
    The potion to stop causing pain. Always easier to try and take things on by yourself than to not feel anything at all.
  5. If you could live in any fantasy world, what would it be?
    Honestly, I always wanted the Pokemon world to be real lmao
  6. Why did you start your blog?
    A way to express my emotions without having to explain them.
  7. Would you rather be a writer or a reader?
    I was a reader before I was a writer, but I couldn’t see myself going without either one.
  8. What is your favourite quote in the world?
    “Write drunk, edit sober” Ray Bradbury.
  9. Your favorite video game.
    Pokemon or Kingdom Hearts
  10. Do you live your dream or dream your life first?
    Dream first then make it happen, dreams are always subject to change.

    My 10 nominees are:
    Poet’s Corner
    Dances with Tricksters
    Poems and Petals
    BeautyBeyondBones
    Valentine’s Fall
    Blind Wilderness
    Overflowing Ink
    Only Fragments
    When Women Inspire
    Ripple Poetry

    My questions
    1.Fall out Boy or Panic! At the Disco?
    2.What’s your favorite Disney movie?
    3.Favorite vacation spot?
    4.If you could read only one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?
    5.White or red wine?
    6.Favorite childhood cartoon?
    7.Are you bilingual?
    8.Summer night spent under the stars, or winter nights wrapped in a blanket by the fire?
    9 LOTR or Harry Potter?
    10.What’s your guilty pleasure?

 

Sanctuary in the Rubble

Words covered in the form of anonymity always held more power and craze over sensitive hearts,
The hearts numbed by the drinks taken for each loved one lost,
The medication taken to drown out the feelings too powerful to ignore,
Or just those hearts, which have seen too much and felt it all so deeply,
The ones that fall under the same spell time and time again until they redefine the meaning of heartbroken.

Words covered in anonymity are the hands at your throat,
Keeping your pleas and cries at bay, squeezing, until your gasps of pleasure turn into whimpers and hiccups.For each silent scream there is a quite voice that whispers into the dark,
Looking for a soul as broken as it, looking for sanctuary in the rubble and shrapnel.
Reckless and hurt from the harsh forms reality presents itself in,
But anything to ease the strong grip of the nameless hands
Anything to help this feeling fade just a little,
Just enough to paint the illusion of a promise of a better tomorrow.

Graffiti spray painted on the walls depict the story of your life,
Messy, vile but all yours in its ugly state, and you can’t help but to fall in love each time your eyes fall on those images,
Scream quietly; let your voice be heard by those looking for a soul to save,
And maybe they can be the ones to fix you.
But maybe, maybe you were never in need of fixing,
Maybe you just needed to be viewed in the eyes of a stranger,
And new point of view to the rumble you’ve buried yourself in.
Let those eyes see you for who you never thought you were,
Let them show you a different version of the one you sprayed onto the walls,
Or maybe it’s a version that just needed a fresh pair of unbiased eyes.
Give those words shrouded by anonymity clarity,
And paint a better wall, one that will tell your story with colorful images and mended hearts.

etched in the eyes of a stranger

Pull me close and stop the words that can’t explain what seems to be wrong,
Let us talk ourselves in circles,
Wondering why we can’t seem to find the point in this argument,
When we both know we don’t remember the reason we started fighting in the first place,
But still, the drama seems to be the only thing keeping us alive,
Each fight, each snide comment. They let us say what we need without commitment,
And apparently the ability to forget what needs to be said:
Can we make it through this version of a happy ending?
Because happy endings are never written in stone,
Because those endings never work out the way they’re suppose to,
But then again, how can this be a happy ending when we know it to end so tragically?
And nothing worked out the way I thought it would with you,
So, bottoms up, lets both drink to the endless possibilities,
Let out glasses clash, the liquids colliding and falling to stain the carpet.
Our story written in the colors the bleed into the floor, molding and bruising,
Forever etched in the fabric of stranger’s eyes.

The words that we could never say, the words that escape our reality,
They fall onto the ears of lovers who can’t bring themselves to except change
And change used to be good, so good, it was amazing,
But now, we don’t seem to know how to deal with the changing tides, the changes in
ourselves.
And I can’t let that be the reason we never see the beauty of this newfound love,
I can’t sit on the regret that will form if I never let you touch my soul in ways that make my heart shiver,
Because you’ve had such a grip for so long that I wouldn’t know what to do if it were to disappear.
So pull me close, kiss away the doubts and insecurities I make in the absence of you,
And maybe we can finally let ourselves feel this love for all its worth,
In the good, the bad, the beautiful and the raw intimacy it brings.

fabricated tells

The way the words spill out of your mouth, so naturally,
As bitter as they are sweet,
I clung to them like an addict hooked on that last fix,
Lonely and vulnerable—looking for justification under false pretenses,
We were two liars trying to convince each other of the same truth.
Down, down and down we fall,
Tumbling into the other’s deceptions as we go,
I should have stopped this when I saw your tell,
The fabricated tells that made the relationship an easy downfall.
Should I have known when you stopped smiling when I entered the room?
Or was it the way your hands would squeeze a little tighter around my throat when you
whispered those things to me in the dark.
Maybe it was when your eyes lost the spark that made me laugh,
The way your smirk stretches across your face at snide backhands you’d make,
Or maybe when those hands started to cause more pain then pleasure,
Only touch me when there were no witnesses,
No one to question the bruises you placed in the dark.

I guess you stuck to me the way I can’t let go of those bad habits,
The ones that you know are bad, so, so bad, yet you find yourself running back when things go wrong, or when things go so right its sin.
I think you and I were always meant to fall into this habit of lying and trickery,
Like the way the sun lies to the moon, for the hopes of a beautiful tomorrow,
Or the way a snake lovingly coils around its next meal.
Though two snakes trying to devour each other never ends satisfyingly.
And the moon will never be as important as the sun, despite her beauty in the dark.
And I tried to convince myself my reality wasn’t that, cowardly and scared to move out of the shadow of you.
Letting you touch me in ways that I never would let my other lovers do,
Allowing such abuse under the guise of friendship and familiarity,
I guess I fell for the illusions of love the way you did,
And in the end we both let the lies we painted get the better of us.
But this is where our tragic love song ends,
Where we find those that are better and worthy of our damaged love.
So goodbye to your and your fabricated tells,
And I hope the damage won’t be enough to ruin us for the rest of this game,
As we fall down and down and down towards the deceptions we created for love.

Lovers Hell (before you)

Hell was once a place of lost faith, a place to recover and repent,
But now it is a place I call when I’m without you.
And its silly because I never used to give anyone this much reign,
None have had such a strong pull, none have ever gotten close enough,
Because I used to be the girl who loved blindly and wrongly,
Loved the ones that were never right, never able to care the way that was needed.
And so I became the girl, who cast aside hearts as she did trends,
The girl who let strangers in her bed with nothing but a name,
And when morning came, was left lonely in her bed at night,
But that was better than a broken heart.
Tired of wanting the things she couldn’t have,
Keeping secrets that nobody knows,
Laughing in the quite of the night, the darkness unfolding into blank spaces.
Sometimes I remind myself of this reality, of this lovers hell,
When there is nothing to distract, nothing to sway my emotions.
When it used to be the thing I woke up to when the sun rose,
(But that was before you.)

Heaven only knows where I’ve been, and whom I’ve let wrong me,
The places where my dreams take me in the night,
When you and I aren’t trapped by the confides of reality,
Or at least the reality we create for ourselves.
Some days it’s beautiful, this love and the things it creates;
Laughter intertwined with smiles that hurt, a high I never need to fall from.
Some days it’s cold,
Shame mixed with doubts in shades far to grey, a storm cloud waiting to erupt,
Anger tends to get the best of us when give free range,
But those days are necessary for a love to unfold and bloom into what it could be;
Beautiful and raw and intense in ways I’m not used to.
These things were all because you.
Heaven is only one broken heart away from euphoria,
The tormented love I created was nothing but misplaced faith,
Before you became my saving grace wrapped in the guise of this lovers hell

Rewrite

Learn from the hearts you’ve broken

For they tell the story in a way you never knew a way you couldn’t see.

Wrapped up in your own version of the events,

You never know the damage you cause until it’s slapping you in the face,

Tears streaming from angry eyes,

The words coming out are hoarse and broken,

Voices cracking with so much emotion, it’s hard not to be caught up in the heartbreak

Hard not to imagine the way things could have been, the way they once were.

So learn from the hearts you’ve broken , love, let it help you rewrite the tale of your own broken heart.

And hope that one day the story will change in its pages, allowing you the ending you know you deserve.