attention

I used to love the attention,
This used to my favorite pass time,
Spoken to like queen,
Worshiped and treat as though they were never worthy,
And they weren’t.

I used to love the attention…and at times I miss it,
I won’t lie,
It was nice to be revered by a stranger,
They knew nothing of me, and found appeal within first sight,
You did too, at one time,
We crashed into each other,
Life throwing our curve ball,
And we’re both surprised we made it to where we are,

But,

We became familiar,

And while I love the intimacy we created,
Some days I miss the attention of strangers,
If only because it reminded me I had at once caught the eyes of someone who didn’t know my faults, and it lead to us…

Or maybe I wish the attention came from you,
That our mundane patterns sparked excitement and crawled into the unknown,
Where I didn’t know your secrets,And you spoke to me like a spirit; afraid I would vanish in a heartbeat.
I used love the attention, or maybe I’m jut missing that certain kind of attention from the person right in front of me.

this guilt inside

This guilt rattles inside my bones,
Reminding me of what I am,
Who I claim to be
In the worst possible ways,
Throwing it back,
Because I let it,
And I hate myself for it,
Healed and scarred,
I manage to make the best,
Or that’s what I pretend,
Because only the ones with weak hearts fall victim to the sin,
Or maybe the sin grows strong enough to control,
Until in consumes every part of you,
Of me,
But, I can’t dwell on the ache, the feeling of wrongness in my bones,
Because all I can see is your face,
And the pain of this sin that I carry for us.

forever looking back

It’s as though something holds me back,
I know, I know all I have to do it push, fall,
Stumble into what’s in front of me,
I imagine it thousands of times,
But…my reality has me rooted in the same place
Unwilling to make a move without you,
Paradise staring back at me,
And all I can think of is you,
I think I’m lost,
Maybe I’m not suppose to be here, not yet,
Not when I can’t seem to cross this line, away from you,
Why…why aren’t you here?
Where are you if you aren’t waiting for me on the other side,
I’m standing on the platform,
Watching the world revolve and lifetimes end
I keep turning around, hoping to find you standing there,
And that is my greatest torture,
Forever looking back…

if you knew?

If you knew,
If you knew it bothered me,
Why would you let it happen?
When it’s something you can control,
A thing that can only happen with your say,
Why let it go as far as you can,
Knowing I can’t be fine,
That it would cause me to doubt, question your reasons,
Cause me to hate myself for the chaos inside,
If you knew,
Why let me fight these demons alone,When you helped summon them
I’m not asking for much,
Maybe I am,
Just…help, help in understanding, why we succumb to the same tired trails,Gravity pulling us down and down,
One of us was too fragile to survive the fall,
If you knew, if I knew,
Would we still be falling down?

toxic formula

She bit her lip until it bled,
The blood dripping from between her breasts,
Slithering to between her thighs,
As though it would find safety in a familiar place,
Why must they fight, wage war on each other,
It doesn’t hurt as much as the breaking of her heart,

Pain, time, they all mix together, in a toxic formula,
One bleeds into the other, much like her love and his hate,
Or was it her doubt and his assurances,
Because at this point she knows they’re both so, so wrong,
And they both believe they’re right,
Bruised hips and stained lips,
Never led to a more perfect miscommunication.

Her lip is numb
His thumb has wiped the blood clean,
Licking it from the tip, a knowing glint in his eyes,
Her heart sparks in a familiar rage,
Blood boiling and heart pounding,
And she prepares herself for round two.

after happily ever…

What happens when it isn’t what you wanted anymore?
When the love you thought would make you…
Make me what, exactly?
Happier? Filled with a sense of purpose I couldn’t forge on my own?
I was good on my own, content with my minimalist lifestyle,
And then you exploded my senses, erupted my everything,
And I thought…thought I was strong, but you made me invincible,
And I thought, that’s what I needed to be, everything.
Had these false bravado’s been there all along,
And I was too blind to seen them,
Or did them manifest while I was distracted by your smile,
By the ways your hands caresses parts of me that craved a touch for so long…
What happens, you ask, why you get everything you thought you wanted?
You live in ignorance until something shows you what you were blinded,
And you’re forced to deal with the aftermath of comes after happily ever….

(my)truth

We each have our versions of the same story,
And I want to believe mine is right,
Because it’s my version, my truth,
But…
I hate that I recognize your truth,
And know that it’s so much different than my own.
I hate that, because it makes it harder to stay mad,
To make my point when I sympathize with yours,
And why?
Why shouldn’t I be validated?
Why do I have to little myself to make you feel big,
And I know, that’s not what you’ve asked of me,
Not anything you said,
But it’s how I feel,
And we each have our own versions,
But why is mine constantly changing while yours remains the same…?