to know that it means to love without you…

I had to learn the hard way what it meant to love without you,

believe me, it sucked.

It was raw and painful and it attacked everything I was so ready to cling to in the absence of you,
Made my reality without you all the more vulnerable and full of hurt.
Because letting you go was admitting you never wanting to stay,

And I know you wanted to,
This meant something to you,

It had to,

Right…please tell me it did,

Fuck, I can’t handle it if it didn’t.

How does someone do that?

Pour their heart out and then act like it never happened…
or maybe I was deluded into thinking your heart had any part to play,
But…I can’t help but to wish I never knew the answer

It shattered me,

Torn me into tiny pieces for the next soul who would try to paint love onto the cracks embedded in my heart,

I wish you hadn’t been the one to teach me what it meant to love,
Because then at least my heart would have had a fighting chance,

But now, she’s a mess, torn to the seams and left to catch the wind,
In hopes it would take her far, far away from the love she knew and into the arms of an evil she could fight,
That way she could mend, hardened and earn that bitterness,
To ever feel again.

til the death of it does its part….

I helped you turn your life around,
Gained the trust and addiction all in one captivating grip,

Took it in as my own, and held on tight as it rocked us,
Back and forth, through hell and back,

With the burns and scars to prove it,

And still,

You still question my love for you,
Have the goddamn nerve to call me out on the reasons behind my help, my devotion,

And I can’t….
I can’t do this for much longer,

The lies, the insults and the demeaning nature you seem to quick to fall back into,

(so quick to cling to whenever we seem to find the silver lining)

Maybe because I was so eager,
So ready to be the savior to someone other than my own sanity,
I couldn’t see that I wasn’t…I’m not enough,

And there shouldn’t be any shame in that
But fuck, god, there is so, so much of it,
 it consumes me as to why I wasn’t enough for you,

It’s all I can think about, after it’s all said and done,
And I know it will haunt me from now until the day I die, long after we have been buried and gone…

to be 18 and in love

I haven’t thought about you in so long,
Not since my heart was 18 and so pure in love
Young and innocent, eager to feel everything
But, even after all this time, it seems my heart remembers you,
Little things only, because too much time has past for us to have every amounted to anything,
But such a power those little things hold still,
And I wish love were as simply as it was when we were 18,
It gave me hope and joy, and…something I’ve lost in my wisdom and age,
And perhaps that is why I remember you so fondly now,
Seeking a happier, a cherished time when the world made more sense,
Where love was what was given and earned,
Not taken and manipulated,
Oh, to be young and dumb and in love…

spoken words (I’m drunk)

I’m drunk, I have to be,
Because the honesty sits on my tongue like its ready to spill out

I’m ready to scream it,

If only to show to that I feel it so strongly,
I feel what we hide, what we shyly coy away from yet can’t resist,

And we become trapped in the never-ending cycle of taboo and thrill,
Longing to be connected.

I swear my intention for the night started off well,

Good even, but they seem to have a mind of their own,
Those damn intentions,

Willing to bend and mold to whatever will get them further to you,

But darling they will never break, because that would mean I would have to face the reality of the weapon you created.

Heart cold thought her ice creates fragility at the same time,
She craves intimacy and longs to destroy the need,

I must be drunk.

You’ve poisoned me, I would never say these things aloud,

Or have I fought you far to long that I’ve grown weary

Letting these thoughts become words that once spoken aloud cannot be unsaid,
And they would start the a new cycle we would never be able t escape from.

a song for you

Why do I still sing about you,
Let my words always find you in the lost notes,
The lost cords and keys that compose anything other that the thoughts of you,
Or will you forever live in me,
As a part of me that I can never be free of,

I’m not sure how to feel about that,

Does it give me satisfaction, to know that I have a purpose, always and forever in the form of you,
Or should I let the shame wash over me,
because you were the one thing I could never get past, and that alone is shameful,
Because the song never moves on, never hears another melody other than the one you’ve imprinted in my soul,

And here I am…

Doomed to keep you on repeat until my scars have mended and my heart healed…
And still, the softness of you, the delicate grace of you touches me in ways I will never allow another,
My keys glide towards familiar notes, strung out in your harmonies and love,

Love…

Is that still a word I am able to use with you?

Because I think I will never know a love than the one I knew when I sang for you, about you,
The words came for bittersweet and flowed beautifully off this broken heart,
Still searching for you,
And hoping one day, my words, and these desperate cords will reach you…

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

young and dumb, moth drawn to the flame

Do I make you proud,

When I make you look good in the eyes of the world?

Does it help erase the sins you commit,
Because you’re able to paint a different picture in the eyes of your accusers,

When I play the part you need?

Do you think we don’t know the story you play out in this twisted fantasy
Twisted reality we cannot deny,

Do you know we all cam to play the parts assigned?

All to help you play pretend jut a little while longer,
Because what are we if not all fools for the same cause,
Moths drawn to their death flame and loving every minute of it.

I was so young when I saw the truth,

A covered glance and dusty texts of desperate measures,
Thank you for airing out these grievances, when everyone but you brought them to light,
Then, locking them in the doubt of darkness for as long as I sought answers.

I thought myself a fool, the only one left, who saw something more in you,

But I was the best at fooling myself,
Because I knew there was no hope, no more reasons why to help save you from this fate,

And I can’t even be mad at it,

Do I still make you proud?

For rebelling against your lies and darkness,
And forming my own path, bursting in the light and golden bricks of the road paved…
All down the yellow brick road,
We’ll find the truth somewhere in the land of fantasy…