When She was Here

I think I first felt my heart flutter when your hand brushed the hair out of my eyes,
It was innocent and intimate and more than I could handle,
So, I laughed and joked about it all night long,
While my mind was diving deeper into what could be.
But I fear my heart does not know who to love another,
It has been trapped in this chest, beating with a drummer long deceased,
But it seems your eyes on me bring him a little more life than the last warrior to swept the battlefield.

I know I have never felt as strongly as when your lips are inches from mine,
And your soft fingertips running down my arm,
This illusion of a catered love is magical.
I smile as your hair brushes along my chest, falling over your shoulders,
Your laughter trailing down to the junction on my thighs
My smile falls into a gasp, I can’t believe the connection, however physical it seems.
So play up this fantasy for a little while longer,
And let me drink in my full, playing up the images my heart conjured from too many late night novels and taboo images,
Pretending that I can commit to a lover longer than a one-night stand.

Try as I may, my heart cannot cling to any other,
Sorry, baby girl, but she has belonged to me far longer than anticipated.
And I always put myself above others,
(Maybe it’s a skill developed over time, or maybe it’s from years of self-sacrifice)
Perhaps, too much self-love can be a damning thing,
My mind of heart over body cannot seem to separate the finer lines of reality,
And there was once a time when I could have loved you fiercely,
Loved you in all you were, red lips, full hips, curves that drew my eyes through to your my soul,
But that was before I cared about what my heart told my mind,
And what my mind would create in the absence of what my soul needed,
So try as I may, my heart has buried herself deep in my chest with the her drummer once again,
Maybe one day the she’ll make it across no man’s land, and into your arms.

crashing tides

Those worthy of love should only see the gift as beautiful and pure,
And darling, let me tell you, love is something I am not worthy of,
But, I never minded as much until you came along,
Demanding attention from ever part of me, battling with my heart,
Trampling over her fragile grace, her fleeting beauty.
But I am no more for you than the moon is solely meant for tides,
Two things that exist within the darkness of each other,
Never taking more than what the other gives.
Love was something to be seen, but never felt,
Because I don’t know if my heart is capable of such complex things,
But you believed to changed the very essence of me,
Destroying what could be, in favor of what you think should have been.

I will never be able to be the girl you need me to be,
For I am all wall and stone and sarcasm and fear,
Never allowing anyone to cross my lines without careful suspicion.
And for you to get across an enemy’s line does not mean you’ve won,
It only means that my demons were too curious to not let you into my space,
Eager to see that chaos you would bring to an already explosive heart.

That’s the thing about you,
You believe you’re the cure to a disease as ancient as time,
You think you can save me from myself, and you think you can cure me,
Always watching, always waiting for me to realize you’re right there,
But my mind is two steps ahead of yours,
Waiting and watching for the day you overstep and speak out of place,
Knowing that no one makes it past these hardened defenses,
And if they do, my ghosts always make their presence obvious.
Never allowing me a moments peace,
Such is the burden of a mind that thinks deeply and loves cynically

la petite mort

You’ll be the death of me, and consider yourself lucky on how beautiful it will be.
The French call them la petite mort, heart stopping and earth shattering,
But I have never felt more alive then when your lips are on me,
Hips working back and forth and tongue stroking.
My body has never been so hot then when it’s under you.
Make me come alive under skill and technique,
Make me moan from the sensations only you can bring out,
And my body will melt and conform to yours,
I’m shaking, unable to feel anything other than your hands and the blissful light.
Pull my hair, slap my ass, and make me wish I never could escape this moment,
God, you remind me of those romance novels,
Pure and hot and forbidden, trapped within the confides on my bedroom,
Never able to see the light of day, maybe, maybe only when I’m so high,
So high on love that I don’t care who is watching, eager to fuck,
Getting off on the idea of being seen and heard in my most intimate moments.
Eager to please and ready to ride the length of you,
Seeking release in any way possible, I grind my hips and call out to you,
Whimpering and begging for your attention,
Craving that need for release, exploding with the stars I see behind my eyes.

Almost

The taste of you still leaves a bitter aftertaste,
Like too much vodka down in one shot,
Or too much love forced into this sheltered heart of mine.
But you will always be my drink of choice,
When I’ve had more than my tolerance will allow,
When I can’t think straight anymore and its habit to reach for you,
That is when I will say I miss you, I miss home.

I miss your head between my thighs,
And my mind would quiet for you and the talents you sculpted with that tongue,
I miss the bruises that dances along my skin,
It reminded my of when you couldn’t keep your hands off me,
A time when it was easier to talk with our bodies and the notes they sang.
I used to miss the way I could make you whimper,
Make you beg for more, of me, of what I could do with my hips,
But I’ve come to find that it wasn’t those sounds I wanted,
It was your vulnerability; it was you, lost in a moment that was just the two of us,
And it was a moment I would never forget.

It was the hoarseness in your voice after a night of fucking,
It was the messiness of you hair as it curled from the sweat,
The way you looked at me like I was the thing that made your world sparkle,
That thing that made you want to continue every day, like it was your last,
But most of all, I miss the way you made me into a better person,
A person that could be herself in all her imperfections and wrongs,
Yet strong enough to let her guard down around those she loved.
But that girl left when you walked away,
Not out of hate, nor was she unloved, but because our timing was never the best.
So now she never lingers long with anyone new,
Always finding favor with strangers who wouldn’t dare call more than twice.
Because it’s easier to keep them at bay, an arms length from her heart.
Never letting anyone in has become her best strength and greatest weakness,
But for all I my strength, my tears still find me when my hearts aches for you,
I see you in my imperfections, in the detachment that has become second nature,
And I can’t help but miss you.
In a way, my heart will never attach itself to another as long as you exist.
My almost lover, my almost everything…

Texts at 3AM

My thoughts sit in their white bubble, three dots bouncing on the screen,
Thoughts at 3AM always seem to find their way onto the keyboard.
My thumb hovering over the little arrow that could change everything,
But these letters are words that will never make their way into your messages,
So I watch them disappear in the space of what could have been.

Know that it hurts to keep these thoughts and emotions and screams bottled inside,
For the power they hold over me is suffocating.
(But I know you can find the chemicals and thrills to free me from these confides),
My mind reeling from a chaos of its own making,
And I drown in the words that refuse to leave my throat.
Now, you know me; every twisted version I have,
Faces masked and true intents discovered under the rubble,
But that never scared you from exploring all of me,
So please paint me with vivid colors and haunting images of a story untold,
And for you, these words will be your lullaby, a comfort buried in time.

My fingers seem to have a mind of their own,
Wanting you to know every thought and feeling as it is happening.
Texts at 3AM always seem to find their way out of the chaos of my mind,
The words light up your phone in the silence of a breaking dawn,
When the Earth is her stillest, and the chaos is dozing in the darkness.
Let’s not pretend that this won’t be an upheaval among the valley,
But let us know that what we rebuild will be beautiful and timeless.

Time comes to a halt as I hold my breath,
You may not know the importance of this text.
It is so much easier to let it pour when no one can see.
So I hide behind the protection of my phone and her peace,
Watching as delivered turns into read,
Anxious and relieved, I pace, to see how you respond to a vulnerable heart,
I wait and wait, watching your three dots bounce on the white screen

Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

#1924

When did the art of words lose their deeper meanings?
When did I learn to read for popularity rather than content?
The stars always tell the truth of the stories we try to vanish,
The ones that have the been told many times before,
Those tales that carry lessons, those refused to be learned.

But…when did the stars lose all their beauty and awe?
What happened to the magic I used to see in them?
When I gazed up with wider eyes and a cleaner conscious,
I thought I could change the fates aligned,
But I shot for the moon and landed ungracefully in the blackness,
Surrounded by the very same stars I once admired.

So here’s to the dreams and wishful thoughts that never made it to the surface,
And to those wanders and cloud dancers that fell through the cracks,
Because those are the people we need to find among the lost songs,
Those cast aside in favor for bright(er) stars,
But know that I see you, up there in the blackness and smoke,
Waiting for your chance to eclipse and make your presence known.