in chaos (theory)

Some days I wonder,
What’s the point,

Why fight, why yell insults back and forth,
Does it even matter any longer?
We’ve both felt this way for a long timeGoing back and forth on the promises we held dear so long ago,

I feel as though they don’t hold the same flame to our dying candle,
The devil I was drawn to,
The bad boy I feel in lust with,
A monster I could never learn to love,
Because he didn’t understand my definitions of love,
Or how they differed from his,

Give up,
This is all we can be, are meant to be,
Stop calling out to me in your desperation,
Because I can’t satisfy your cravings,
They’re too dark, too horrifying to express,
And I can’t be beholden to them anymore.
Some days I truly wonder,
Where did we think we were going,
Amongst the chaos and destruction…

Did we think we’d make it out alive?
Or unchanged,
Because we should have known better,
We always did,
Or at least used to…

in anger

Can’t see straight,
Words are coming out slurred,
Not from anything other than anger,
So, so much anger,
I can’t stand it,
I wish I didn’t let it consume me,
Let it seep into every pore,
But it does and God it makes me infuriated,
I can’t control it any longer,
Maybe that’s how I know it’s all too much,
When I can only let it consume me,
Embrace it for everything I hate,
And only than can I let it go,
But…
I can’t think clearly like this,
For now,
I let it wash over me,
Reminding me of the thing that lies just beneath the surface,
Wait for an eruption that may implode.
But still,
Anger concedes and gives way to something new,
Something that makes me crazy
Until my words are slurred and my vision is hazy…

In the dark

You look so pretty in the dark,

Tuck safely away in my sheets,

As though not a care in the world could touch you. Wrapped in the safety of a blanket.

Such innocence in my bed, bathed in the glow of the night and the neon that lights the room in a dim blue.

So pretty when I can’t see your flaws , just a silhouette of perfection. Outlining the fantasy I created in my nightmares.

Such innocent features. Or so I imagine, for I let my thoughts twist and turn. To create my fantasy amongst a stagnant reality.

What would it be like. To watch the your head roll, eyes fluttering. To like the tears off your cheeks as though they were a delicacy. To caress your hair as if turn crimson….your body slowly losing control…

Such an intimate vision, both in front of me and what plays in my head…

So innocent here in the dark

Would you think me too? If you were able to see…hovering like a shadow

You look so pretty in the dark…

When you think know one is watching.

difference of words

It’s amazing how easy the words come some days,
So eager to break free from this mind,
The pour themselves out,
Wanting to be read, my fingers can’t form them fast enough,
And then,
It’s hard on the days I struggle,
The words flat and falling on deaf ears,
For good reason,
Lacking the passion and the depth I need, I used it all,
And for some that isn’t an issue,
They never know the difference between the words that make you beam,
And the ones you struggled to pen,
And no one will ever know the difference between those words

secrets

Some days I laugh,
And smile secretly to myself,

Because I have a secret,

One that I will never dare say,
Cross my heart I’d sooner die,
Than have to tell you the words that plague this heart,
Secrets, yes, so, so many run rampant in my heart,
Swirling in the mist that clouds my eyes and judgment
Hidden in the laughter I let the whole world hear.
You would never know the way my head tilts,
As though it keeps them from spilling out.

I keep them close,
Whispering them to no one, shoving them into the depths of nothing,
I’d never admit that I love having them,
How they make feel important to no one other than myself,
Secrets kill; secrets bury those who don’t know how to dig,

But you’ll never know,
As see my smile grow and my laughter become unstable.

All to myself,
Because I have secrets,

Cross my heart…

cycles circling

I wish I didn’t miss you,
Or I wish I did,
I can never tell anymore,
Because I can go days, weeks, months even without you ever crossing my mind,
And yet one thought…

One scenario will have me spiraling out of control,
And then you consume me.
You become all I think about,
I check in, stalk, anything to see what you’re doing,
Am I still on your mind?
Do thoughts of me consume you the way they do me?
It’s holding us back,
Me, back…
Why does the cycle circle back every time?

I wish…

I don’t even know what I wish anymore,
Maybe to forget you,
Maybe that I never met you,
But we both know that would make me a liar,
And I would never wish to be that.

climbing

It makes me want more,
The way your words spill from your mouth,
Perfectly formed,
Well thought,
And my own actions jump to please,
Eager to please, something I can’t name,
You know me so well,
So well it scares me,
Or maybe you know me just enough to make an impact,
On my heart, my soul,
You validate me in ways no one else can,
Ways that make me scared and elated to jump of the very cliff you helped me climb,

I want more,

And I know I need you to keep pushing
Keep helping me climb those mountains,
And help me find my own worth amongst the rocks and gravel,
Climbing my way to the top,
Only to find you waiting, smiling and shaking your head,
Happy I made it after this long.