redemption and its funny things,

You thought I would be the redemption to your sins.
The grace that would forgive you in the eyes of all you wronged
And I wish you had been mine
But it seems we only invited different demons into our hearts,
And they made friends with the ones already thriving in these chaotic souls,
I suppose that’s what we get for believing ourselves worthy of such a gracious gift,
Love, in its many forms,
Can never be the same for those of us who shunned her for so long.

I wish I believed in love the way you once had,
Effort and work and passion that created such a beautiful thing
It was the envy of those who whispered behind your back,
The creator of the lies you would soon tell yourself to keep up the façade,
The reasons why we find ourselves here, now…
I once believed redemption was my only answer,
Did I have to answer for every wrong I’ve committed?
Or did I simply have to play the part of the humbled, changed for the better, person?
Would you be able to see through me,
Know that I was playing the game as much as it once played me.

state of mind

You are everything I want, but nothing I’ll actually need,
So while it’s nice to want you, to crave you in ways I’ve never felt,
I know you could never be my everything.
But that’s okay; I’m learning to accept that something’s aren’t always so simple,
And yet, some things are just that. Don’t waste your thoughts on me,
For I’ve already moved onto the next adventure,
And thoughts of wanting you have flown from my head as though they were carried by the wind.

In another life, maybe we could have been more to each other,
But not here, not now, and most certainly not like this,
I’m amazed we never found each other before,
Or maybe we have, we could never know. I suppose that’s fate.

These tests of time have proven far too much for a fragile heart
So quick to latch onto feelings that were never hers,
But she is quick to learn, only tempting the fires because she can, not cause she doesn’t know better.
But that’s okay; she is always eager to learn and discover the things that make this life so tragic and beautiful.
And now she is moving on, to a destined place that only her and the wind that carries her knows,
And thoughts have you are far removed from this state of mind.

I find myself back at the shore again,
Letting the waters lap my toes, each new wave coming closer and closer to taking me under,
I don’t know why I’m back,
I thought I left your sands long ago,
But there is something about the call,
The current, the tide, whatever the pull of you has over me,
That keeps me longing for the horizon only you seem to see.

I’ve been here before, we both know,
So close to freedom, and one breath away from drowning in the thought of it,
And yet, that wasn’t enough to keep me from looking back…
I’m so tired of looking over my shoulder for you,
I want to be here, I realize, and I don’t know that that means.
So wash over me and let the discover the answer at the bottom of you,
Swallowing the salt and sand,
Answering the call you sing for me in hopes to find something…

drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

embraced shame

Can’t say I’m ashamed that you have this control over me,
I know it; let it embrace me overtime, every time,
Because I know fighting it leads to more damage than I can recover from,
And I give in so much easier every time you come back into my heart,
It almost seems like instinct now,
Does that make me a coward?
A girl who can’t protect her heart from the predator who devours on sight,
Or does that make me a survivor,
Knowing this is a battle I can’t fight and come out victorious,
At least not alone,
But the help isn’t there now,
So I let you in, square up and stand on what little ground I have left,
While it only takes you one final push to send me down, falling over the edge…
They’ll say I let you in,
I gave you the keys, hell, even opened the door
And what’s worse about all the shame and guilt?
I know deep down, I feel it even now,
Is that some part of me knows it’s true…

seems it found me

I found what I wanted,


t was everything I needed,
And it cost me everything,
I found it when I least needed it…least expected it,
But I clung to it like my life depended on it,
As though it would be the grace that I deserved in this hell I built for myself.

And that should have been the tell,
The thing you crave the most is never what it’s suppose to be,
I knew, god I knew it would be the death of me,
Knew the danger it would bring to a soul like mine,

I told everyone it was my last choice,
I needed it to change,
But they all knew how much I didn’t,
how much it would consume me in all the worst ways,

And I said fuck them,
They could never know me, the person I was behind closed doors and hidden facades,
Turns out I didn’t even know who I was behind it all,
Because when I found the thing I wanted so, so bad,
I didn’t recognize the face staring back at me…

a new year (but same old me)

New year, new me—And this year I mean it,
No longer will I be waiting for you to come knocking on my bedroom door,
I won’t accept visitors after the darkest hour. (That was not in me resolution).
Yet, as the months go by, my body craves what I will not feed it,
And I find myself at your doorstep, just as the ball begins to descend,
New year, finally, for it has been far too long without you in my blood stream.

New year new me I say, yet it is so hard to change the habit of you,
I can never seem to break. For you have been with me so long,
I wouldn’t know how to celebrate without your presence,
Or the comfort it brings to my reckless heart.
New year, I want to be a new me, but I’d be so lost without you,
My head hurts to dwell on it for to long.
So I drink to you and your selfish ways,
Hoping your new year, new me won’t swallow my alive.

I’ve been working on the things that are wrong and right this New Year,
But my pride won’t let me admit my defeat (She is the number one vice),
So this New Year, new me plea is simple, and quick.
I need you in the way the sun never fails to raise a new year,
In a way that the moon dies a little each sunrise for 365 days,
So New Year, but same me, because there can never be a me without you, can there?
I’ll ring it the New Year the best way I know how,
With me, myself, and I, writing my most intimate thoughts for the world to see.
And when you come to collect the debt I owe, I will be ready with arms open wide,
To receive the twisted love meant only for my bad habit and me.

f*ck

Fuck,
It’s a breath of relief,
And utterance shakily released,
Because I’m not sure how to feel anymore,
Safe, secure, content with the routine of this,
Or scared, anxious and dreading a future already decided for me,
Or too predicted,
I’m not sure anymore
It swims in my head,
Never allowing me to gasp for air,
Instead, I tread the waters, happy to steal slips of those precious moments of freedom,
Of air, am I allowed to stray from these thoughts?
Because I want to,
Want an escape to cope with your dread,
Of being trapped to you,
Fuck
It’s a exclamation if anger, of panic, of doubt,
I don’t think I’ll survive this,
I think you know that, and the smile of tainted grace sends my instinct into overdrive,
Fuck fuck fuck,
What have I gotten myself into this time
I don’t think I can make it out without the scars this time…

The Story We Could Have Been

They love to talk about us; the story we could have been
But I know that our romance is better left in the pages of an untold story,
So watch this fairytale collapse in itself and lets get whisked away on a happily never after.
It’s safer that this infatuation remains in my head,
For anything to spill over would be, well,
Let’s go back to the start of it all and try to remember how we got here,
Because I’m tried of talking about the speculation and could- be’s,
That fairytale that never was…

I miss when we didn’t care what others thought,
When life and time were the only obstacles we cared to face together,
But know our heads are lost in the clouds;
Our tongues tied in the lies we tell each other,
Our heart could never know how much they mean to the other,Old flames seem to die so slowly,
There embers burning through the long, lonely nights,
Eager to warm a cold bed; an even colder heart.
But I’ve had my fair share of those lust filled nights
When old flames burn too brightly to last anything more than that night,
So lets meet under the moon, when our eyes have blocked out reality,
And try to remember a time when we could have been more than this.