tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

embraced shame

Can’t say I’m ashamed that you have this control over me,
I know it; let it embrace me overtime, every time,
Because I know fighting it leads to more damage than I can recover from,
And I give in so much easier every time you come back into my heart,
It almost seems like instinct now,
Does that make me a coward?
A girl who can’t protect her heart from the predator who devours on sight,
Or does that make me a survivor,
Knowing this is a battle I can’t fight and come out victorious,
At least not alone,
But the help isn’t there now,
So I let you in, square up and stand on what little ground I have left,
While it only takes you one final push to send me down, falling over the edge…
They’ll say I let you in,
I gave you the keys, hell, even opened the door
And what’s worse about all the shame and guilt?
I know deep down, I feel it even now,
Is that some part of me knows it’s true…

seems it found me

I found what I wanted,


t was everything I needed,
And it cost me everything,
I found it when I least needed it…least expected it,
But I clung to it like my life depended on it,
As though it would be the grace that I deserved in this hell I built for myself.

And that should have been the tell,
The thing you crave the most is never what it’s suppose to be,
I knew, god I knew it would be the death of me,
Knew the danger it would bring to a soul like mine,

I told everyone it was my last choice,
I needed it to change,
But they all knew how much I didn’t,
how much it would consume me in all the worst ways,

And I said fuck them,
They could never know me, the person I was behind closed doors and hidden facades,
Turns out I didn’t even know who I was behind it all,
Because when I found the thing I wanted so, so bad,
I didn’t recognize the face staring back at me…

a new year (but same old me)

New year, new me—And this year I mean it,
No longer will I be waiting for you to come knocking on my bedroom door,
I won’t accept visitors after the darkest hour. (That was not in me resolution).
Yet, as the months go by, my body craves what I will not feed it,
And I find myself at your doorstep, just as the ball begins to descend,
New year, finally, for it has been far too long without you in my blood stream.

New year new me I say, yet it is so hard to change the habit of you,
I can never seem to break. For you have been with me so long,
I wouldn’t know how to celebrate without your presence,
Or the comfort it brings to my reckless heart.
New year, I want to be a new me, but I’d be so lost without you,
My head hurts to dwell on it for to long.
So I drink to you and your selfish ways,
Hoping your new year, new me won’t swallow my alive.

I’ve been working on the things that are wrong and right this New Year,
But my pride won’t let me admit my defeat (She is the number one vice),
So this New Year, new me plea is simple, and quick.
I need you in the way the sun never fails to raise a new year,
In a way that the moon dies a little each sunrise for 365 days,
So New Year, but same me, because there can never be a me without you, can there?
I’ll ring it the New Year the best way I know how,
With me, myself, and I, writing my most intimate thoughts for the world to see.
And when you come to collect the debt I owe, I will be ready with arms open wide,
To receive the twisted love meant only for my bad habit and me.

f*ck

Fuck,
It’s a breath of relief,
And utterance shakily released,
Because I’m not sure how to feel anymore,
Safe, secure, content with the routine of this,
Or scared, anxious and dreading a future already decided for me,
Or too predicted,
I’m not sure anymore
It swims in my head,
Never allowing me to gasp for air,
Instead, I tread the waters, happy to steal slips of those precious moments of freedom,
Of air, am I allowed to stray from these thoughts?
Because I want to,
Want an escape to cope with your dread,
Of being trapped to you,
Fuck
It’s a exclamation if anger, of panic, of doubt,
I don’t think I’ll survive this,
I think you know that, and the smile of tainted grace sends my instinct into overdrive,
Fuck fuck fuck,
What have I gotten myself into this time
I don’t think I can make it out without the scars this time…

The Story We Could Have Been

They love to talk about us; the story we could have been
But I know that our romance is better left in the pages of an untold story,
So watch this fairytale collapse in itself and lets get whisked away on a happily never after.
It’s safer that this infatuation remains in my head,
For anything to spill over would be, well,
Let’s go back to the start of it all and try to remember how we got here,
Because I’m tried of talking about the speculation and could- be’s,
That fairytale that never was…

I miss when we didn’t care what others thought,
When life and time were the only obstacles we cared to face together,
But know our heads are lost in the clouds;
Our tongues tied in the lies we tell each other,
Our heart could never know how much they mean to the other,Old flames seem to die so slowly,
There embers burning through the long, lonely nights,
Eager to warm a cold bed; an even colder heart.
But I’ve had my fair share of those lust filled nights
When old flames burn too brightly to last anything more than that night,
So lets meet under the moon, when our eyes have blocked out reality,
And try to remember a time when we could have been more than this.

entitled

Aw darling, were the words I said to harsh for your ideals,
Did I not fit into the definition of what you defined me?
You were never a part of my life in the way you so desperately needed to be,
And you threw tantrums and lashed out when you couldn’t get the answers you wanted,
Petty little bully, shoved into the words of a keyboard
And that was fine; I let you wear yourself down, all tuckered out,
Yet you couldn’t stay asleep,
And had to give one last failed attempt,
Kicking your feet and screaming insults all because you were unhappy with whatever was the cause,
Because I didn’t let you in, refused for fall,
But don’t let me be the one to tell you otherwise,
Because I truly don’t care,
We weren’t friends, I made that clear,
And you couldn’t take the goddamn hint,
But thankfully only the plastic of our screens saw the damage and desperation.
Though the testimonies will forever haunt the Internet…

It’s a sigh of relief,
Not having to explain for the hundredth time why you aren’t worth mine,
How does it feel to cast me aside, to make your stance?
I hope it gives you the closure you think you deserve,
And let this be the last reminder of just what we were,
In reality, not in the words we cast aside,
That there never was or will a time when this would have been anything more than what it was,
Nothing but a blink in the moments of life,
As quick to come was it was gone….

the sound of you

I wish I could get lost in the sound of you,
Without the distractions that come with life, with love, with everything
I want just to listen to you and the sound you give,
Letting me decipher the meaning and the cords.
I know there is hidden meaning in the words you write,
They mean something so much deeper than their face value,
And it’s like you wrote them for me, because you knew I would be able to see behind the simplicity,
I know it,
I don’t care what they all say,
Your words were made for a heart like mine,
And all the chaotic rhythms it beats.

delusion and disillusions

How funny, how amusing,
How the mind plays tricks on us,
Even when we try too hard to beat it,
To be the smarter half of it all,
We still end up the fools played by its tricks,
We lie to ourselves,
Tell ourselves we’re okay with this reality,
With this scene that’s played out in front of us time and time again,
If only because we’re afraid that the truth may bubble over,
And then what?
We face it?                                                            
No way, that’s too much,
Too much to take in,
Not worth facing the harshness of this loves cruelty feast,
When we’re comfortable with the disillusion we placed before us,
So eager to pick off the plates of those who shine,
So bright, we can never see the shadows they’ve plagued us with,
So where do we go from here?
Back into the minds of the delusion…
To play favor to the guests to this expensive façade,
I can’t afford to be blinded anymore,
So I guess it’s all in, I’m all in,
To the game I thought I could beat with a simply play on words and beginners luck.

smile darling (can’t let the world know you’re mad)

Grin and bear it,
Put a smile to make that face pretty,
Sweet and docile,
It makes it easier to glance over you as they dismiss you,
How many times are we told to accept what we cannot change?
And never learn to change what is,
Too long I’ve let you dictate my words, my choices
My mannerisms,
But I can’t stay quiet anymore,
These thoughts have built and exploded from my lips,
The weight of them lifted off my chest,
I can’t stop—do I want to?
It’s so liberating to say what I feel, what I think,
And to know that nothing of you can control me any longer,
Because I removed the thoughts of you from my opinions,
Which means I no longer care what you think, in case you didn’t read between the lines,
I know it isn’t easy when thing aren’t going according to plan,
But no worries darling, I promise to make the easy for you to follow,
Grin, smile form ear to ear,
Bear the weight of all you’ve done under the guise of smile,
Because it’s so much easier to not let the world deal with your emotional turmoil sweetie,
Once you calm down I’m sure we can discuss why my words make you feel so many things, so much anger and conflicting
thoughts,
And I can’t wait to hear the calm logic and manly wisdom that comes from being bested by a woman you sought to keep beneath you.