coastlines

Late nights laughing at drunk texts we sent,
Stars hanging over our hearts,
We drove until the skin bled pink, and lavender,
And the blue in your eyes had never been more beautiful.
I feel in love when the sun rose over our heads,
And we made love in the sunlight.

I miss the way we worked so well,
Falling into sheets, tangled in laughter and cotton,
Late night conversations about the world we would create,
Where we could hide for a while, never worrying about the road ahead,
And the sun never set, sharing the sky with the moon,
I miss the nights we had,
I miss dreaming of you the way my mind created when I was in love,
The stars no longer shine for me to see.

Another shot; I need the high to carry me away,
I can’t stand to think of you,
Not when it’s still raw,
When I still bleed over you each night the blade cuts into me a bit deeper,
Those stars that witnessed our love, our chaos and mad love,
They’re black in the sky,
And I can never look at the blue sky the way I looked into your eyes,
Because I never imagined a world without you.
And now I’m stuck drifting along the coastline,
Gazing up into a sky that will never look the same.

in need of a new view sweetheart

Eyes opened,
Mind shut,
You still seem to think you’ve gotten the last laugh,
Because you show the world you’ve moved one,
Yet they never see the desperation burning under your skin,
Crawling out, clawing their way from your skin,
Their presence needed to be made known,
Nasty little demons you’ve let make themselves home,
They cling to the familiarity of the rot of your soul,
They fester and feed off the insanity you give,
But, you’ll never know what it’s like without their touch,
Because, without them, you are nothing.
Choice made, and behavior unchanged,
You are your choices,
Learn to live with them,
And not cast the blame, and perhaps one day you won’t need to find me,
Won’t need to know that I’m up to,
When you no longer have anything to do with me

he used to tell me he loved me…

He used to tell me he loved everything about me,
Used to tell me I was the one made to please him,
Give him the future he deserved to have,
Under a microscope of pressure and hatred out of his own control,
(Because that would mean he was cable of more than that,
And my heart can’t heal knowing he was capable of loving things but me).

He used to shower me with an odd type of affection,
Left me drowning in it,
Never able to surface without his help, and his love,
Not truly loving behind prying eyes,
But just enough for those eyes to be fooled,
Seeing something they thought they saw.
And perhaps this needed to be said,
Needed to be felt so I could learn what love is and isn’t,
But I wish life didn’t have to prove us wrong is some many hurtful ways for us to get the
message,
Because then my heart wouldn’t have to bend and break so many times
Until I can’t recognize it,
Its cracks and missing pieces making up a shadow,
Hollow in its form but I still carry the weight as though it were with me now.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lonely, trust in how my heart never clung to yours,
It’s okay to need the space and let myself be alone,
Because it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak and scars,
Or at least teach me the way love should and shouldn’t be,
So maybe, just maybe I should thank him.
Because he used to tell me he loved me, possessive and lovely and capable of a lot more
hurt and nurture,
But he taught me to grow, to accept the things I can’t change,
To look for the ones I can,
And never let the heart be fool by pretty words and blind affection.

my maybe, my what if

Could it be you were everything I wanted?
The person to be the ying to my yang,
The one who completed me in every way I needed,
I can’t know, I can’t tell anymore
Because I afraid of the what if,
Afraid I would rock my own world if that were the case,
Because what am I suppose to do… if you are?
You can’t be mine,
And I belong to another already,
Perhaps, in a another life,
We would’ve met first,
Met when we could be two people who found each other in the great fate of it all,
If I knew you could be everything I needed…
But maybe this is just as cruel as wondering what if,
Playing the game of maybe,
Maybe this, maybe that,
But maybe will never be our reality,
And that is the fate we were dealt to deal.

the silent (forest)

The forest is silent tonight,
The stars twinkle above in the stillness of the black,
Beckoning me to look up,
As though the answers will be found above my head,
And when I come back down,
There she is,
Arms out stretched,
Waiting as though this is all she knows,
All I looked for,
But I fall to the grass and roll up to find the stars gazing down on me,
Still,
Beautiful, dazzling, distracting,
I didn’t feel her hand taking mine,
Guiding me deeper into the woods,
So caught up in the world above,
I couldn’t see what I was crashing into until it was too late….
But she made sure to be there then too,
To clean up my mess,
Absorb the toxins from my skin,
Clean me up,
And lay me back onto the grass, looking up at the stars,
Only to fall back into their mesmerizing hypnosis,
The cycle continues as a stars dies and another is born.
As though this is what she planned all along

damn heartbreaking

It’s damn heartbreaking,
So fucking tragic,
I’ll cry myself enough to drown,
And it still would never change you mind,
So stubborn, so proud,
I hope your ego keeps you warm at night,
For that will be the only thing to stay,
Because I can’t keep begging,
Wishing you could change, could see the hurt,
Wish you could be anything other than who I see before me,
Because this, this isn’t worth the heart ache,
The way I split myself in two,
My heart scattered into pieces, too jagged to piece back together,
And I let you break me,
And it hurts so damn much to say that,
Because I thought you were the one,
But it seems the only thing I was sure of is just how much you would affect me,
Change me, your mark will forever be on the fragments of my heart.

glass ball

Repeated again and again,
Torn between breaking the glass,
Or tracing its outline,
Scared to interrupt the fragility of it all,
Afraid it will shatter the mess of us,
But…
I can’t make up my mind,
I’m torn, between the obvious road,
And the path that I know my feet are already turned toward,
A place I can’t revisit,
I’ve been there too many times,
And the outcome never changes,
Though I love to fool myself into thinking it will,
Put you on repeat, in the back of mind,
And I hope the song will skip,
Shutter and fall silent in my head for just a little while,
If only to give me chance to think within your globe,
But that glass ball holds more than just a shaken memory,
And I will never be free,
Trapped inside the glass ball, screaming high enough to see the cracks,
Yet nothing can break apart the addiction you’ve caught me in…

a crutch

When did the drink become a crutch,
Rather than a good time?
When…where… did I learn to rely so heavily on it?
Or rather, who?
I can’t remember the day it became obvious,
Or maybe, the switch was slow,
Like the second hand of the clock,
Moving just enough to not notice until it was too late,
Did you teach me the right way?
The proper way to turn to the glass over everything
My reliant; my sanctuary and my graveyard…
Living life to the very edge until I fall over,
Never know which drunken stupor would embrace me at the bottom.

love (is a storm)

I hate how a single word can make me angry,
Take away that hazy love feeling,
And turn my mood upside down,
Spiraling further into the abyss that is my mind,
And I hate that you have this power over me,
And I can’t seem to stop it, ever,
Left helpless to this feeling,I’m caught in this storm,
And you get mad when the rain hits,
My thunder crashes hard and loud,
Leaving you to run and take cover,
But there is nowhere you can go without me following,
I’m helpless, addicted to the chaos,
And I hate how a single word summons the storm inside of me,
Swirling in doubt and uncertainty,
I made the storm of us,
And you have to ride this out to see where we fall in amongst the sky…

high off you

Your love was as intoxicating as that feeling I got when I was with you,
Or were they the same high I felt,
Was I too far gone to be able to tell the difference?
You make me so crazy, so hazy,
I don’t know how to separate you from the feeling,
And that probably isn’t the making of a great love story,
Falling over a feeling,
Doing anything to keep it going,
Doomed from the start, made all the wrong moves and played the wrong cards,
But I can’t seem to walk away from this, from you,
Have I grown too used to you,
That I don’t know who I am without…?