each time i find you

Each time I find you,
You seem further out of reach,
Crawling, begging, crying, I reach and reach,
Yet your hand always grazes just out of reach…
Endlessly searching,
It seems to be all we have left of each other,
Seems to be the only thing that ties us together,
Because we know,

We know we’ll find our way back to each other,

But at what cost,
Because each journey, each harrowing,
It takes a piece of my heart,
A section of my soul,
And I’m afraid I’ll never recover those,
And who’s to say how you’ll come out the other side?
Will you be the boy I fell in love with, jaded?
Or will you be another entirely?
Each time I found you,
Something changes,
Something shifts,
And here we go again…
Where are you hiding now?

to the ones who broke my heart

To the girl who broke my heart,
Thank you?
I wish I could say it helped me to grow,
To be a better person and all that bullshit,
But I can’t,
Because I will always remember the wrongs over the right,
The bad over the good times, even though I know you weren’t truly bad for me.
But we were both kids in love and foolishly thought we were the exception.
At least life had the good sense to prove us both wrong.

To the man who broke my body and ruined the ways I would learn to love,

Fuck you.

I wish I could leave it at that,
But my wounded pride won’t let me,
Because as much as I claim my heart was broken and love was lost,
I know my pride and ego took the worst of it,
Because if a man like you has the nerve to screw me in all these fucked up ways,
What will happen when the right one breaks my heart?

To the man who said those healing words and touched my heart,
Then took…used me for everything I had left,
I should have seen it coming.
You were too good, too perfect for me,
All the right things, every touch that sent sparks to my heart,
And blinders to my head,
I let your version of love damage me in irreplaceable ways,
And yet, I still find myself defending your twisted love when pushed into a corner,
If only to make myself not seem like such a victim.
Some days even pretending you never happened to me.

To the man that fell in love with me despite everything,
I love you so much.
In ways you don’t even know,
Because I could never tell you exactly all the ways that you make me better,
Make this love everything I want to be,, to have, for you, for me, for us…
There have been ups and downs; lowest of the lows and highs we still smile about even though so much time has passed,
And I wouldn’t change it for anything,
Because good things come to those who wait and endure life as she comes.
We both found each other when we needed it most,
And love blossomed in the most fucked and beautiful way.

So thank you,
To everyone who came before,
Because now I can say I have become who I needed to be,
Grown and learned the wrongs and rights,
And it lead me to you,
I found you and love you in all the beautiful ways there are.

wandering eyes & sensitive hearts

Wandering eyes and sensitive hearts,
Always collide under summer stars and blue skies,
When the world is at it’s peak,
Full of life and love and magic and those unexplainable sensations,
That make you wonder why you can’t trap them for future use.
Your wandering eyes were looking for a new adventure,
A conquest to claim as your biggest and best yet,
You could tell I needed the excitement,
Wandering eyes cling to those they can entice.

So when my wandering eyes caught your,
I felt the anticipation build,
We let is soar,
But I couldn’t see your heart at the time,
Thinking it was a runaway,
Healing from a crack in its broken foundation,
Because we all experience that part of life when we least expect it.

My sensitive heart is not weak like you first thought,
She feels greatly, and endures every trial and tribulation,
But that does not make her weak,
She struggles, yes, but she always makes it out on top,
Whether it be her own opinion or not.

So I let your eyes capture me,
Take me for an adventure I’d never forget,
But know hearts like my mine never forget a face,
And your eyes are forever engraved in this beating heart,
That’s not buried at the bottom of a starlit lake,
Under that blue sky and summer stars.
Captured in a single defining moment of weakness.

dance with me

Let the music play in the background,
I’ll hold you close
As we sway and wobble to the ominous tones,
Heard only by the fatal ticking of the clock,
Step by step,
Heartbeats sink into the rhythm,
And we sway and sway,
Eyes closed as we breathe in what’s left of us,
Our rags drag across the floor as we step in time to the strum,
Each count taking us further,
Form ourselves,
From our problems, from the reality that landed us here,
And we sway and wobble, falter and try to find the rhythm again,
Always managing to find each other through the crowd of others dancing around like us,
Each find their way among the mess they’ve made.
Let the music drown of the rest of the noise,
We sway and rock and never let the music stop us from dancing through…
Clinging to what’s left of us on the hard wooden floor,
Our riches turned to those rags with each turn,
Because we only have this moment to let go,
Before reality comes crashing down,
And another asks for your hand instead…

control, lack there of

You see behind this façade,
This mask so poorly place in front of my eyes,
Trying to hide myself from your view.
I can’t look too much longer,
My eyes aren’t strong enough to hold yours,
Knowing I can’t back my thoughts with defense mechanisms,
Knowing you’ll see right though them.

Sometimes I wish this was easier,
Mind readers and falling stars each night,
So damn romantic we can’t stand it,
But that’s not what life is,
Its complicated and messy and nothing like what I picture in my head.
These situations don’t go my way because I’m not the only one in them,
And that kills me,
Because you can’t control how others will react,
And the lack of control cripples me,

My soul responding to the chaos,
My heart left to pick up what’s left in its disaster.
You say you can see beyond the façade,
Read me as well as the back of you hand,
But let me ask you,
Why do you think its up in the first place?
Surely not to keep you out,
But maybe to keep to in,
Locked onto the mystery I give you over and over again…

like this

I don’t wanna see you like this,
Defensive, heart buried under a mountain,
Guarded by the very monsters you claim to have slain,

I can’t see you like this,
It breaks my heart knowing the reason(s) you became like this,
Knowing I can’t be the only thing to help mend the cracks,
Splitting with each harsh word and tight lipped, almost responses,
It’s a shame we play this game,
Because I’m so tired of losing you each time.

Kisses can be full of more than sentimental farewells,
And I hate that I love you still,
Seeing you will always remind me of that,
But love isn’t enough to end our war,
And it seems you’ve added a few more monsters to your front lines.

I refuse to see you anymore,
This heart can’t handle much more,
And you don’t give a damn about how this breaks us,
So kiss me goodbye one last time,
Because this is the last time I’ll see you like this.

on the carpet

Love is borrowed,
Cheap and sweet,
Like the wine swirling my glass,
Left to stain the carpet as it falls to the floor,
A love as hard,
Defensive and cruel,
With words to match the breaking of my heart,
Because no one wants a loved like this.

Fatal and peaceful go hand in hand,
Laughing and falling down together,
Crushing all in its path,
And they tumble through the thorns and maggots,
The dirt clinging to them like a secret left to share,
Covering the cuts and bruises,
And tear stains to match the carpet,
This love is hollow,
Living on borrowed time,
Used, torn in two and cheapened by one to many shots,

Like the wine swirling in my glass,
Rich and thick and full of things to help me forget,
Because this is defense is the last thing standing between me and you,
And I can’t let you have this victory.