The more I drink the more I don’t think about you,
So shot after shot, let it down, burning its way to my heart.
Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting to not feel like this,
Nothing wrong with wanting to escape.
Because numbness has to have its benefits, right?
Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I handled it,
But now, in this moment,
All I can think about is how to forget you and the way you made me feel.
And yes, the alcohol loosens my lips,
Helps me to see past mine and yours, past the ghosts that haunts us,
It lulls me into a false sense of security and I’m content to hold onto it with every part of me,
Because it’s easier than admitting that this is everything to me,
And how it holds the power to define me in every way that counts.
But then again, who are you to define me in such a manner?
A nameless face, built into a memory of my own making?
Or are you an imprint on my heart, destined to guide her way until death do us part?
So this feeling lingers and lingers, and I can’t blame anyone but myself
Because I feel into the very trap I warned myself about,
Literally act for act, and I still pretend to be shocked and dazed,
But how can I? When this had been all I wanted for so long,
And to finally have it was a breathe in the chaos, a gulp of air to my drowning lungs,
Yet, just like those brief moments of relief, reality crashes in and buries me deeper.
I relish in this feeling, god, it’s so much easier than facing you.
Here I can pretend, ignore, do anything that makes me not confront this,
And with you, I wish I could fake this all the way through.
Faked my emotions the way I always had, out of protection and security,
But that was how I used to see me, they way I thought I needed to be seen.
When walls kept me trapped and shielded.
It’s so easy to tell you these things behind the safety of the liquor,
Knowing that you could never tempt me in its confides,
Remain repressed in her break evens,
And maybe one day you can defy the odds,
But not now, when I’m screaming and crying out for a savior who isn’t named,
When I can’t seem to move past this love that never even took hold.
So the more I drink, the more I can’t remember the reasons I loved you,
And the more I let the alcohol take hold, the less power I give this,
I can’t let my life be define by this single moment,
Can’t subject myself to the ways you unknowingly torture me.
So the more I drink the less I miss you, the less I love you.
But we both know that’s just the alcohol talking.