The Silence in a Crowd

Vainly I sat myself upon a glass throne; only to be mutilated by it’s hidden shards.
What a heavy burden to be digging into my head
Dripping down from the crown, clouding my eyes with blood,
Fractured remains of myself gaze hauntingly back; unaware of the damage they’ve suffered, endured. At my own hands, at yours, who could have known?
The blood pools around my feet, fallen from my eyes, my heart,
Clinging to a downfall only pride can up hold.
This bleeding heart can only take so much ‘til it can’t pump enough sense to my brain, and self-preservation is a trait I wish I didn’t excel in.
So the only way I could escape, became my prison cell,
Breaking over and over again as I sit unaware,
Its mirror surface reflecting only what I willed.

Is this what bliss feels like?
Knowing all the bad to come, the wrongs and how ugly it will become,
But shielding myself from it through lies and unearned privileges,
Knowing that no matter how I wish, the struggle is never mine to claim?
But this bleeding heart can only sustain life for one,
I wish I could save you; but I must save myself first,
And while my glass prism is so lovely from the inside,
I know the outside is covered with dirt and shame and betrayal from those I have yet to cross paths with.
So help me off my throne, take this crown of my head,
Let me clear my sense of self before I wash myself of these sins
Help me understand why this glass throne is not worth the kingdom it reigns over,
And for you, I will give you what is left of a heart that is fighting to survive,
Fighting to maintain these fractured pieces and assemble them as a whole,
With enough sense to carry these thoughts from thought to speech,
And who lips you would be proud to kiss in space of a cheering crowd.

For a Moment

We signed our cards with love and kissy faces,
Been through hell and back, braving the darkest of places,
And you got down on your knee, if only for a moment.
Our love produced something beautiful and pure,
And I sat in the bathroom with the fifth test, just to make sure,
I was so scared and anxious, if only for a moment.
Showered with gifts and cards,
Signed with love and best regards,
Everything was perfect, if only for a moment.

The pain in my stomach increases, though everyone said I was okay,
“Never trust the doctors,” my father would say,
I watched the crimson trail fall down my leg, if only for a moment.
Fifteen hours of labor, I hear everyone’s cries and gasps, expect for one
I imagined this moment with smiles and laughter, but there are none,
The silence was deafening, if only for a moment.
They wrap him in blue, as if nothing is wrong,
“You need to hold your son”, “Be strong”.
All I see is his face, though only for a moment,
And he was beautiful, if only for a moment.

fallen for eyes that have not met mine

And I’ve fallen for someone I haven’t met yet,
Wrapped in love and soulful glances with a taste of longing and peace,
I’ll see you in the whisper of another, the taste of a mouth whose kisses aren’t mine,
Still waiting for the feeling of wholeness and love.
So I’ll kiss frogs, toads and boys, who have no emotions,
Hoping to fix myself in the ways that I’ve been bent and broken.
Never knowing that a fraction of my heart was waiting for this perfect stranger,
To glue the piece of my body and heart together.

A puzzle is never whole without knowing the entire picture,
Yet, I know you can be the one the fix the pieces,
Those that linger into each other, and those who fall out of place.
A puzzle with your touch can set sparks to the frame,
Burning embers into an image with little left to spark.

So I have fallen for eyes that linger upon my face and body
But have yet to capture my heart, and I’ll wait for that day,
When I can fall deep and mad, and feel insane and calm all at once,
Because that is what love is to me.
Wrapped in strangers kisses and familiar touches,
Waiting to be unlocked and seen for something deeper than a casual fling

sugar coated

Screw you,
And this attempt at making nice,
I’m sick of the sugar-coated words,
It sticks to my tongue,
Burns the roof of my mouth,
And what comes out is acid and fire,
Ready to fight whatever comes my way,
Because this isn’t what we made it to be,
Not what we intended, anyway,
And what we have left,
Well, isn’t much to speak of,
Unless we’re screaming back and forth,
That acid coating and sealing us into a cycle,
Until we have nothing left but that fire,
A fire that one could say was passion and love,
But we know it to be hate and resentment
Because it burns hotter, not warmer,
And I think, screw you, to whoever is listening,
For allowing such a corruption to take hold of both our hearts…

open…

What if we did this thing all in the open?
I knew the corners you snuck around,
You knew the shadows I hide in…
What if we knew who the other saw
Who we were spending the night with,
When I wasn’t with you, and you weren’t with me,
What if we came out into the daylight,
And admitted we were open to suggestion,
Not under the moon and her stars,
Because clearly we needed the help,
Needed the chance to claim we weren’t exclusive,
Weren’t everything the other needed,
And that hurts,
To not be everything you need, everything you want
But I know it’s bigger than me, maybe,
I can’t be sure anymore,
What if is such a dangerous game,
For me and you,
Should we take a chance, and hope to get lucky.
Or shall we play that what if game once more,
And hope we open up just enough to figure out where we lie in this mess…?

there’s a thrill in it

There’s a thrill in it,
The waiting, the idea of control that I have,
Knowing I have the power to change the outcome,
Or to run from it,
This thing we have, volatile and enticing and dangerous,
It could do more harm than good at this point,
But I control the direction in which we explode, or implode,
And the thrill in that is enough to keep my finger close to the trigger.
Do we have something so powerful…?
That it could be the end and beginning of who we were,
Or, is this thing just what we have,
Hollow, meant to be taken at face value and nothing more,
Nothing more than a mere fire cracker,
All spark and not fire,
Needing the explosion to show us all we are capable of,
I thought that we had it,
And maybe we do,
But these fires burn hotter than I envisioned,
And I cannot take the heat, all smoke and no passion,
So I let us burn long enough to kill whatever was there,
And take the thrill knowing the lighter was under my thumb as I watched
us burn.

my skin is made of ink and bone

My skin is made of ink and bone,
Covered in ivory, laced in a poison of steel and grace,
Ready to feel and yell, to know what it means to be alive.|
Let me tell my story, as I bleed it onto the pages,
Scattered and torn but still legible to the right pair of eyes.
Let me know that it’s okay to feel things like rage and sorrow and pity,
Let my skin be torn and sown, ripped apart and mended all at the touch of another.

After everything, emotions drawn and torn from me in a silent cry
Let me rest easy in the darkness I’ve created.
No smothering, no chaos, just the thoughts I’ve tried to run from, and me.
Let me face them head on,
Give me the strength to change them and the voices that scream at me from inside.
Only then will I split and change, forming a new version better than I am now,
Buried in the ashes of the fallen monsters and shrapnel
Pray you find me among the rubble.

My skin is made of ink and bone,
Sharp and permanent, forever haunting,
Mixed with the chaos of beauty and the saving grace of Lucifer.
Let me show you what it means to be alive,
For I have felt it all within my emotions and the pages I’ve bled into.
Powerful words stolen from a hollow prayer,
Your lips lingering, kissing the scars you’ve left deep in my skin.
Know that you created a beautiful tragedy,
And she will forever be in your debt,
My skin is made of ink and bone,
Covered in ivory, laced in a poison of steel and grace,
She has been through hell and back with me, clinging to all the damage and
magnificence life has already offered.

lost magic

Feel like I’ve lost my magic,
Lost is the storm, engulfed by the thunder and rain,
Or maybe I burned it,
In the fires I seem to set when I’m mad,
When I’m sad,
When I’m…running from everything,
I feel like then magic died the night I let you take me,
One swift thrust,
Your mouth bruising mine as it swallows my cries,
And the ember dies along with my heart,
Well, maybe just pieces,
For someone without a heart couldn’t miss the love and magic she once
held,
Something so fragile and precious,
Gone in an instant,
I wasn’t ready for that, not yet,
But you took it without so much of a question,
And left me to the mundane morning,
Alone and out of touch with this new world I was thrust into

broken wicks (can’t lite)

The fires were lite, and died,
This flame has long been nothing but a pile of ashes,
Blow away with the changing winds, as the world moves on,
But, it seems you are the only one who just can’t move on,
Catching the floating pieces,
Showing them into a jar to preserve them,
As though they help you keep the wounds fresh and open,
And give you something to cling to in your path of self-indulgence and
anger,
Move on sweetheart, let go of the past,
No one is forcing you to live in it,
But, it seems something I did has gotten under your skin,
Or you wouldn’t need to reach into that jar,
So you could receive attention for another fifteen,
But no matter how much you scratch and itch,
That feeling will always be there.
Nagging and making itself known,
Because you give it the power to do so,
And you have no one to blame but yourself,
Darling, it’s funny how you still try to play the victim,
When it feels as though you are the only one who cares anymore.

that effect of you…

I don’t even feel the effect you have anymore,
So I take more, down and down,
I swallow hard, taking a shot of you,
A taste of what I need to give me that high,
Hoping I’ll feel something, anything, like the way you once gave,
What happened?
Why don’t you have that effect on me anymore?
I miss it; I need more of it,
If only because it takes all of you to make me feel anything now,
So much, too much, I’m an addict,
But even you can’t control this side of me,
Not when you’ve lost your hold on me,
Not when I look to another to make me feel the way you once did…
I wish I could be satisfied,
But I’m a greedy bitch,
Ready to swallow you whole,
If only to feel your high just for awhile….