The More I Drink

The more I drink the more I don’t think about you,
So shot after shot, let it down, burning its way to my heart.
Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting to not feel like this,
Nothing wrong with wanting to escape.
Because numbness has to have its benefits, right?

Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I handled it,
But now, in this moment,
All I can think about is how to forget you and the way you made me feel.
And yes, the alcohol loosens my lips,
Helps me to see past mine and yours, past the ghosts that haunts us,
It lulls me into a false sense of security and I’m content to hold onto it with every part of me,
Because it’s easier than admitting that this is everything to me,
And how it holds the power to define me in every way that counts.
But then again, who are you to define me in such a manner?
A nameless face, built into a memory of my own making?
Or are you an imprint on my heart, destined to guide her way until death do us part?

So this feeling lingers and lingers, and I can’t blame anyone but myself
Because I feel into the very trap I warned myself about,
Literally act for act, and I still pretend to be shocked and dazed,
But how can I? When this had been all I wanted for so long,
And to finally have it was a breathe in the chaos, a gulp of air to my drowning lungs,
Yet, just like those brief moments of relief, reality crashes in and buries me deeper.

I relish in this feeling, god, it’s so much easier than facing you.
Here I can pretend, ignore, do anything that makes me not confront this,
And with you, I wish I could fake this all the way through.
Faked my emotions the way I always had, out of protection and security,
But that was how I used to see me, they way I thought I needed to be seen.
When walls kept me trapped and shielded.
It’s so easy to tell you these things behind the safety of the liquor,
Knowing that you could never tempt me in its confides,
Remain repressed in her break evens,
And maybe one day you can defy the odds,
But not now, when I’m screaming and crying out for a savior who isn’t named,
When I can’t seem to move past this love that never even took hold.

So the more I drink, the more I can’t remember the reasons I loved you,
And the more I let the alcohol take hold, the less power I give this,
I can’t let my life be define by this single moment,
Can’t subject myself to the ways you unknowingly torture me.
So the more I drink the less I miss you, the less I love you.
But we both know that’s just the alcohol talking.


Let Me Paint My Own Reality

Let me paint my own reality of what could happen,
Let me lose myself in the daydreams that may never be seen.
Because that seems to be the only thing I have left at this point,
Let me sing along with the broken hearts of the world,
Each emotion etched in the feelings I let bleed out through the lyrics of a song dedicated to my own heart,
And yet, they can’t seem to heal the broken parts I’ve let linger for years.
So let me lose myself in this fantasy of the things that will never be,
Because I have spent too many nights singing this broken tune,
Waking from dreams, wishing I never gave you any part of me,
A part that makes me vulnerable, fading in the light, of you and me.

It’s like freefalling all over again, only this time there’s nothing left to cling to,
And I plummet all the fucking way down–doubting this love, and myself, and the way things once were.
So treat me like a bad habit, bury me under the rug with your pride and sins,
Cover me in darkness and wonder why I have trouble seeing the good in all this
But I can’t seem to let this one go,
So cheer’s to selfish pride, my naïve heart and her lost hope,
Because that seems to be the only thing I have left to give you,
And let’s laugh our way to the bottom of a bottle,
Because that seems to be the only I can bring myself to care about.
The one thing that helps me forget why I put so much hope in you,
And the one thing I cling to in this mess.

So it seems I’ve lost my faith in this mess,
And finding it is more of a struggle than I’d care to admit,
But good things come to those who wait and wait and only know how to wait,
But… I can’t be waiting for you forever,
So let me send up one last prayer,
One more please hear me cry to anyone who cared to listen,
Because after this, I’m done, I can’t hide myself in the security of the unknown,
Or lack there is so it seems to be,
And this distance between us only seems to grow with each passing day,
Let me paint my own reality of what could happen,
And at least I can live in my delusions a small while,
Until our actual reality crashes through,
Painting a stranger among lovers, a tired mind and heart,
No longer willing to fight a losing war.

Love Your Consequences

A love this powerful always comes with consequences,
For better or worse, they say,
But they haven’t met you, and me, and this damaged love we make,
They don’t know the kind of storm we bring,
The fire we create with our sparks and passion,
Enough to bring them to their knees, to stop their words in their tracks,
But lover, to you I have never lied, and I don’t know that that says about me,
When I used to be so good at spinning words and their alternate meanings.
Just know that the world can say what it must,
Nonetheless, here in our bed remains our truth.
But than again, words are only words, right? It only matters the actions we take,
And how we let the world define us, in this moment, here and now.

Darling, all the best love stories start out this way,
A little bit of shame, a lot of tension and a whole mess of feelings,
I believe that’s where the term love hurts is coined,
From the pain and trials of lovers before us,
Eager to pave the way so we won’t have to suffer the way they did,
(Yet isn’t funny how we seem to be doomed to repeat their mistakes?)
But that’s not how love works, I’m afraid, where each new embrace resets the old.
But don’t let this façade fool you,
I’ve crawled from this hole once before,
Barely able to speak of the things endured,
And its silence has never screamed at me quite this loud,
The scars still blaring red, as to remind me of the trials faced and underwent,
Why can’t I learn from these mistakes and let it die the way it was meant to?

I’m just trying to find my footing in this wasteland,
A lifeline in this flood of emotion and vulnerability,
And for all my strides and bounds,
I still can’t seem to move past our yesterdays, of days when I was happy and yours,
But how unlike me is it to wallow on a love that wasn’t meant to be?
So cheers to you, my would-be lover, to our love that once may have made headlines.
A love that would keep the world in check, but maybe in another phase, another life,
Since a love like this is too much emotion for one person to handle all its consequences.

So let the words that were spoken and those that have yet to be let out stay silent,
After all, isn’t that the appeal of a wasteland?
Broken, barren and full of hope for those who wander aimlessly.
So let them define us in a moment that was and will never be,
Let me embrace you in my insanity and wrap you in this twisted love,
And we’ll try to let the past lead us down and down and down…


“I can’t control my feelings, but…”
The things we can’t control always seem to the be the things that cause us the most strife,
The grief we feel that comes form the overwhelming feeling of helplessness,
The utter feeling of not knowing, of wishing and wanting, for things that seem just of out our reach,
Those are the worst emotions we all must feel in order to be a player in the game of life, but,
Isn’t it funny who we let control us?
How we let certain emotions and people and things reign over us, like they deserve power?
But that should never be the case,
I want to be free of the emotional burden,
And you do not get to reign over my like my lord, my king, or some person that has control over my thoughts and feelings,
Because why should we ever let anyone have that much power over us?
We are the makers of our own happiness, or so I’ve heard,
And maybe I’m tired of people telling me its okay to feel deeply, to love freely,
Because what good does it bring…
Heartbreak? A memory of a better time; a better version of who I once was?
Or does it give us more material to carve out a beautiful, yet broken soul, mixed with the wants and needs of a love that will never be met.
Repair, reset and love again.
Either way, what’s happened is and the will be has yet to come,
And living on this hollowed prayer can only sustain a broken sinner for so long,
So while I can’t seem to control anything, let me at least control my thoughts,
Because a broken heart can be fixed, if given time and a strong sedative,
But a broken soul…not even time can repair the damage of the things we can’t control.


Made of Glass

Loving you came with so many consequences,
Expectations I couldn’t have seen, didn’t want to,
Things I couldn’t face because that admitted defeat.

Yet you tore through my walls,
Circled this same thought thousands of times before,
The same poison that I’d always down with ease,
Because being intoxicated by you is a fantasy I can’t let go,
Each drink of you burning its way down my throat,
Until all that clouds my judgment was you.

Every thought and desire etched in you
And every gasp I drew was buried in the moans I gave to you,
My body unable to say no,
Your touch setting aflame the better parts of me,
The parts that didn’t hide behind the way things should be.

Each sign pointed to my wants and needs that seemed to only focus on you,
My body wouldn’t let me forget who it was that made me yearn in ways I never had.
And I don’t want anyone else but you,
I must be made of glass, because you seem to see right through me.

And I wish I could cover myself,
Shield myself from the you and way you made me feel
I wish I could, wish I could fall back on old ways that gave me more control.
But you seized a hold on my heart and I hate you for it,
Because it gave you the reigns long before I gave it permission.

You’re in my veins, in every breath I draw and every cry I make,
I don’t remember who I am without you,
(Some days I lose myself in the memories of what never was)
And that terrifies me more than you’ll ever know.

reminders of you

Of all the things I thought I knew, you were the biggest surprise
You came at me, in ways I thought I could control,
Yet still shocked that I couldn’t
And who am I without the very control I built throughout the years,
Built thorough the betrayals and broken hearts.
(Yet I’m still dazed that your heartbreak cut me the deepest)
I can’t keep your memories,
They suffocate me and bury me under wishes hopes and dreams,
I gave you everything, and all I have to show are these broken memories of a happier time, a better me.

(But dear God, hope is the most dangerous thing about you.)

But that is neither here nor there,
That was another time, a lifetime ago it feels,
And I can’t keep the past from letting me experience the life I still need to live.
No more wanting things to be what they once were,
No more wishing that I could change that happened,
No more sitting in front of the alabaster stone, talking to the air,
Because at least I have those small moments,
Forever hidden in the depths of my heart,
But they still manage to make their ways into my mind,
Creating storms in my calm state.
As the tears threaten to leave my eyes, my heart aches with the small reminders of you,
So while your heart breaks, my heartbreak will carry my through that life I need to live,
Always letting me keep the reminders of you close.

The Way You Once Missed Me

I wish I could have loved you the way you once missed me,
I can’t have you, all of you, only for you to disregard me,
Like another trophy on your shelf,
Like I was a question that you thought didn’t deserve an answer,
Or a puzzle that couldn’t find its missing piece.
Darling, I forgive you after all that’s said and will be said,
Because I know you are my downfall and I’ll keep falling,
Like Eve to the apple, Lucifer to his pride,
I can’t seem to shed myself of this sin,
And I’ve been here before. I have to have been.
Because this is too familiar and too raw to have been felt only once,
This longing…this remorse for you is too much to have been felt once in a lifetime.
So I kept the broken parts, kept the fragments that could have made us,
And tried to glue them together with ruined promises.
Still, I can’t say I’m surprised when they began to fall apart,
After all, how good are promises that are built on doubts and cracked beliefs?