a message to the stars

Check out this new series of responses with Nitin! Here’s part one! 🙂

I try getting over you by telling people that I fell out of love with you. But you should know by now that every piece I write revolves around you. And as hard as I try to mask my vulnerability, each line I write strips me of my armor and lays me bare. I look out of my window tonight and watch the streetlights and the glow of the traffic passing by, and an acute sense of loneliness possesses me. Maybe it’s because you’re not on my bed, lying next to me, and I feel like every other friendless person, barely moving on with their lives. I miss you whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I miss your scent and the feel of your skin. I wish things didn’t pan out the way they did between us, but we don’t plot the courses our lives take, do we? We only think we’re fully in control before circumstance and pain interfere and take the wheel from us. There’s so much I wish I had said to you, and so much I wish I hadn’t said. I look at the little motes of dust that my reading light captures and wonder if I’m as insignificant as them in the grand scheme of things.

Lying in bed, the sheets sticking to my soaked skin as I lie and watch the lights reflect on my ceiling. They look like stars. Small, shining and flickering, and it makes me think of you. Of us. I thought we were like the stars, bright and beautiful, boldly taking on the world and what was to come. And we were like the stars. But just like those tiny balls of light in the sky, we burnt too brightly and faded in the same breath. I told you it was meant to be this way, a love like that can’t ignite our passions for too long, before it fades. And that’s exactly what we did. I love you; I did. But I wonder if that was a lie, I told you to keep that star shining, even as it was falling, or perhaps, it was a lie I told myself. To keep me lost in the sky a little while longer with you. And all I have left are those shadows that flicker and fade on my ceiling, reminders of the stars we once so proudly shone amongst.

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too much for words.

For as much as I put my thoughts, fears and hopes onto paper
For as much as I let the feelings flow from my ink,
I can never seem to find the right words for you,
An anomaly,
A phantom that holds my hand as it writes,
But can never describe the emotions that come with,
Maybe it’s for the best,
A love like this cannot be put into words,
I know,
I’ve tried; again and again,
But my love, this strong emotion, a feeling that grips me in ways that give my life a
meaning,
I can’t get the wording right,
I’ll struggle; I’ll pen the wrong things,
Things my mouth wished it could say,
Wished I could give the empty words on paper life,
But I can’t,
Because a feeling like this is too much for mere words,
It’s meant to be felt,
And I do, I feel it every time I see you.
So keep making me laugh, smile, and heal the parts of me I can’t repair
And I’ll forever try to write the things I feel when I’m with you.

how it defines you

Have some pride,
Life changes,
The winds shift and the oceans tides withdraw from the sands,
Constantly moving,
Life happens and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Of course,
Come cry on my shoulder,
Tell me how unfair life has been to you,
How it’s ruined you and you cannot continue because you’ve been wronged,
But have the decency to commit to your story,
You cannot blame me and thank me in the same breath,
Life does not care,
So carry on,
And stop whining that life has served you all the wrong cards,
When you truly do not appreciate what you have had,
If you did, maybe we could have a different conversation,
One where I held you as your cried to me,
And I offered comfort instead of criticism
But, I cannot turn a blind eye just because I love you,
Have some pride darling,
Because life does not care for the weak and simple,
And know I am here to make you strong,
Life happens, but you do not have to let it defeat you.

i quit you

I quit you.
There I said it,
Done, Finished,
I can’t spell it out anymore,
Everything I was is tied to you,
So let me reinvent myself
Under a new guise,
Under new eyes,
Let me do this,
God, please,
I need you to let me go…
Because any sense otherwise,
I’m crawling back,
Like a bitch,
So beat and submissive,
Who just can’t seem to learn her lesson…
I come crawling back to your love,
And the attention you give
And the attention I always destructively craved
As if it’s something to save me,
My salvation—rising up from under this rumble.
I quite you.
There I said it,
Done…maybe, possibly,
Maybe I’ll see you just once more,
Say this to your face,
I quit…. You, this…..
I think.

(a) love: noun. a feeling you can’t describe

perhaps it’s the way you catch me staring

Or maybe the way I can’t seem to take my eyes off you. It could be anything. Yet I can’t seem to put it into words.

It’s so cliched; you light up a room, or I smile whenever I think about you. Whether you’re there to see it or not. It’s dumb really, how excited I get when I have something to share with you. Or how you have this one smile that you save for me. Or how I get butterflies when I’m the reason for it.

Really, I should have better things to focus on. You shouldn’t consume my thoughts so much, after all this time.

It’s funny, but it’s true. You’re always on my mind. Good or bad. Even when I don’t know wether to strangle or kiss you.

I want to keep smiling and laughing with you. Dancing and scowling when you step on my feet. Rolling my eyes whenever we disagree. But that smile always tugs at my lips.

In every way, I never want to stop loving you. In this moment, in this life.

Perhaps it’s the way we always catch glimpses of each other, slightly smiling with that knowing look in our eyes…

where do you go?

Where do you go when you sleep?
I see your eyes flutter,
Shutting the world out in place for your own reality,
And I wonder,
Where do you go?
What world captures you in the deep make believe,
Or,Maybe the world you fall into is as real as the clouds you long to touch.
Still,
I wish I knew where you went,
When you shut the world out,
Closed your eyes
And embrace the images you play out in your mind.

those 3AM calls

Those three AM calls kill me,
I wish I wasn’t awake,
In the middle of the night,
Listening to the silence,
Waiting for you to ring me up,
Saying I miss you, I need you,
And I wish I didn’t get excited,
Wishing my body didn’t clench at the thought of you,
So late in the morning, calling me,
Asking me to ease your loneliness,
I’m ashamed I cave so easily,
Climbing up and down your body,
In an attempt to please you because I think it will please me,
And I wish I didn’t have your contact anymore,
Wish I didn’t know those numbers, vaguely,
Asking me wyd?
Asking me to sacrifice myself just once more for a feeling,
And I wish I didn’t,
But those three AM calls kill me,
And I can’t let myself keep going under anymore.