the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

Shattered Echo

I had always been attracted to the dark side of life,
But this attraction turned to be deadlier then I anticipated,
And I’m left with the terrors of your memory,
The ways you shattered me and attempted to glue me back together,
Your toxins clinging and seeping through my barriers
Hollowing out my defenses, ruining the best parts of me.
I’m still scrubbing the remains of you off me.
You and I go back and forth, always out doing the other.
But this time you’ve crossed into unfamiliar waters,
Leaving me to drown in the aftermath of your storm.
But your touch has left me in a state of disrepair,
My confidence crumbing faster than the dry wall beside my head.

So take your hands off me, get away from me,
And pray the scars won’t leave a lasting effect,
But it’s so easy you to forget your place,
To fall back into harmful habits, my skin carries the remains of you,
The bruises last longer when everyone is around to question them.
And they fade slow, tortuously slow,
As to remind me of the lasting damage you cause
So my body rebels at the sound of a closing door, an angry voice in the crowds, the discoloration you left along my skin,
I see it when I close my eyes, the darker parts of my skin throbbing with hurt and pain,
I stroke those broken galaxies you left along my skin, though they’ve long faded by now,
Yet, I still feel I can see them in the wrong lighting, in the wrong time, wrong place,
Just like the excuses you used to give.
But I won’t let this shattered echo of you define me for long,
And soon you’ll be just another face in the crowd, a faded part of my colorful past
Just another memory to reflect back on I suppose, just like old lovers do.

For a Moment

We signed our cards with love and kissy faces,
Been through hell and back, braving the darkest of places,
And you got down on your knee, if only for a moment.
Our love produced something beautiful and pure,
And I sat in the bathroom with the fifth test, just to make sure,
I was so scared and anxious, if only for a moment.
Showered with gifts and cards,
Signed with love and best regards,
Everything was perfect, if only for a moment.

The pain in my stomach increases, though everyone said I was okay,
“Never trust the doctors,” my father would say,
I watched the crimson trail fall down my leg, if only for a moment.
Fifteen hours of labor, I hear everyone’s cries and gasps, expect for one
I imagined this moment with smiles and laughter, but there are none,
The silence was deafening, if only for a moment.
They wrap him in blue, as if nothing is wrong,
“You need to hold your son”, “Be strong”.
All I see is his face, though only for a moment,
And he was beautiful, if only for a moment.

lost magic

Feel like I’ve lost my magic,
Lost is the storm, engulfed by the thunder and rain,
Or maybe I burned it,
In the fires I seem to set when I’m mad,
When I’m sad,
When I’m…running from everything,
I feel like then magic died the night I let you take me,
One swift thrust,
Your mouth bruising mine as it swallows my cries,
And the ember dies along with my heart,
Well, maybe just pieces,
For someone without a heart couldn’t miss the love and magic she once
held,
Something so fragile and precious,
Gone in an instant,
I wasn’t ready for that, not yet,
But you took it without so much of a question,
And left me to the mundane morning,
Alone and out of touch with this new world I was thrust into

point of yous

I wish you could see it from my point of view,
How damage has a way of carrying everything with it,
And it translates into every part of you,
I wish you could see.
I feel sorry for the person you were before,
When you let things happen and settled for the least,
Because that person, conditioned you,
Molded you to accept what you thought you deserved,
And I think you deserve everything, have it all,
But it’s so hard, when you can’t see it
That person, faulted you and molded you into…this
And I hate them for it,
Because I can’t fix you, not all at once
Not in a short amount of time,
And it’s not fair,
Not to you, not to me, not the ones we could be,
They damaged you,
All the point of yous,
And you’re so far gone you can’t even see.
Can’t understand that you have parts so broken they dangle off yourself,
And until all I can glue them back,
You lug them along the floor, dragging more dirt and breaking it down further,
Until they become rags, pieces I try to sew back together,
But I can’t see anything from your point of view,
Down on the ground,
The damage splayed out along the floor….

laid eyes on us

How is that we keep missing each other,
Fate, the cosmos, the way we like separate phones,
I don’t have the reasons,
God I wish I did,
Because then I wouldn’t wake up alone,
Wondering why the space next to me is filled with bodies and ghosts,
None of them knowing the way my soul ignites when you’re near,
And that’s not their fault,
No ones,
But I wish I had someone else to blame,
Because that would make it easier to hate you,
To give reason to why we just…can’t,
Can’t meet, can’t see, can’t find each other at the right time,
And yet, here we are again,
Trapped in the cycle,
Fucked,
That’s the only word I utter as you find me on the floor of my bedroom,
Laughing and crying for reasons only everyone around us can see,
Because they never missed us,
Knowing we were it for each other ever since they laid eyes on us.

and still…

Leaves fall and the wind picks up,
The sky bleeds into itself pink and lavender and hints of darkness,
And I find myself missing the blue.
It reminds me of your eyes,
Or maybe the way I remember them,
I can’t seem to keep the memories straight,
Did the sun catch them?
Rays flickering in the morning,
Out running any trace of the dawn,
I turn over, to find a ghost,
Bed cold, but the memory so vivid I reach for you anyway,
And I still find myself looking towards the sky…
For a trace for you in the skies,
The blue fades into nothing,
And I can’t seem to remind myself this shouldn’t be my reality…
As the season changes,
The leaves grow once more and fall just the same,
And still….

in tears and blood

Isn’t it funny?
How we always wish we knew how the ending played out?
Laugh and say what’s meant to be will be,
But,
Going through the story is always harder then read,
And we wish, god we wish to skip to the ending.
Where our problems had been solved,
And our hardships and broken heart were but a passing memory,

But,
The story of us is hardly over,
And I’m still suffering in medias res.

The ink stained our hands, our skin, my pages,
And I still can never know what you’ll do next,
Chapter after chapter, each giving me new details to a you I have yet to discover,
I wish I never found your book,
But we both know I’m a terrible liar,
Maybe….
Maybe I wish I just need a minute,
To go through this verse,
Read the words again and again,
So the book becomes familiar and I want for another,

Or, I crave the same story,
Told so many different ways I don’t recognize it at first,
And I become too enthralled to quit you.
Isn’t it funny how we can never go back from the first chapter,
Can never undo the words engraved into our minds.
Because I never the ending,
I knew we would end up this way,
And I still read on,
In hopes I could change an ending already written in tears and blood.

Dearly departed

Is it time for us to say goodbye?

Maybe for the best, I can’t stand to be here much longer.

We’ve drifted, don’t say you don’t see it, can’t feel it in your heart.

I cry, for you, for us, for what we could have been had we not lost ourselves in this.

Is it time for us to say it….to commit to these parting words?

My dearly departed. My lover, the one I called mine…this can’t continue, this can’t, I no longer know how to pretend.

Too much effort, too much fake smiles and hollowed eyes, no longer filled with affection or laughter. Too much to force ourselves to feel what we’ve lost. Or maybe never had at all.

Goodbye my lover, my dearly departed, take with you what you must, but leave some pieces of my heart as you go.

will you be there when I wake?

Stay with me, let me fall asleep in the safety of your arms. Hold me like you’ll never see me again. Because all we have is this moment.

Don’t wake me , not if this sweet dream still has hope. If you stay with me, love me.

Don’t wake me…not until I can taste the nightmare, not until it starts to eat me from the inside.

Stay with me. Hold me in the wake of this now hellish dream. Because all in need is you. All I need is you.

Hold me. Keep me under.

Watch me sink further and further, gasping in awe and shock and terror as I fall.

Hold me until I can’t fall anymore. When there is no place left to turn. When my whole world has been ripped out from under me. Leaving me to fall, fall, fall….

Stay with me….whisper the horrors you see, speak like your voice is the only thing I cling too. Because maybe it is.

Maybe it’s the hope.

***image does not belong to me***