graves we dig

Why do you still haunt me,
I buried you, dug the grave myself as I let myself fall apart,
Covered you in dirt and salt to rid you of the lies that seemed to rise from the dead,
And yet still, here you are,
A keepsake in my memory,
Like you were waiting for me to remember that I would miss you,
Miss what you represented, the thrill you gave, the danger,

And then your ghost appeared,
Summoned by my weak will and masochistic heart,
Or mind,

And you’re ready to wreck havoc on this fragility,

But I haven’t been left helpless,
I learned, I thought I did, when I walked away from you,
How to dig my way out of the dirt,
To use you in the worst ways, to justify the excuses I learned.
You created a monster,
And I only see her when I find myself staring back at the shadow I cast,
Captured in the reflection of me.

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…

is this what it means to be a coward?

It’s lazy, like I forget that I should be concerned about something right now,

But I just roll my shoulders,
Smile and don’t let my mind linger on one thought too long,

I can’t be responsible for what it strays to,

I can’t control her,
Though I pretend I can, pretend I care,
Tied down and yet able to cut the bides that tie me as easily as they ensnare me,

Is that what it means to be a coward?

To always have an escape in case things got messy,
In case you got messy…?

Ready to run when feelings get to deep, the emotions run to high they can’t be contained in a single instance,

And I can’t reason with them.

f*ck

Fuck,
It’s a breath of relief,
And utterance shakily released,
Because I’m not sure how to feel anymore,
Safe, secure, content with the routine of this,
Or scared, anxious and dreading a future already decided for me,
Or too predicted,
I’m not sure anymore
It swims in my head,
Never allowing me to gasp for air,
Instead, I tread the waters, happy to steal slips of those precious moments of freedom,
Of air, am I allowed to stray from these thoughts?
Because I want to,
Want an escape to cope with your dread,
Of being trapped to you,
Fuck
It’s a exclamation if anger, of panic, of doubt,
I don’t think I’ll survive this,
I think you know that, and the smile of tainted grace sends my instinct into overdrive,
Fuck fuck fuck,
What have I gotten myself into this time
I don’t think I can make it out without the scars this time…

the sound of you

I wish I could get lost in the sound of you,
Without the distractions that come with life, with love, with everything
I want just to listen to you and the sound you give,
Letting me decipher the meaning and the cords.
I know there is hidden meaning in the words you write,
They mean something so much deeper than their face value,
And it’s like you wrote them for me, because you knew I would be able to see behind the simplicity,
I know it,
I don’t care what they all say,
Your words were made for a heart like mine,
And all the chaotic rhythms it beats.

Siren’s Call

It’s 2AM and all I can think of is your hands,
They hold my body to yours, trap in its warm embrace,
And all I can think is this is what it must be like to drown.
You think you know what’s waiting for you at the bottom when you jump,
And then panic sets in as your feet hit the waters surface.
After that, you’re caught between self-preservation and a perverse sense of danger.
It’s hard to distinguish the two when I’m with you, so for now I float on the edge.
Waiting for the waves to crash and pull me under.

The tides never stay the same, and the current changes course,
And I find myself back on your shores, soaking up the sun, under the cliff.
The first jump is always the worse,
(So it’s no surprise that I find myself leaping over again and again.)
For something that comes with such ease, I still manage to smile at my hesitation.
(It’s never easy to blindly give yourself to someone)
I pray the waters to wash away the sins of lovers, both past and new.
(And let your whispered hallelujahs soak in my mind)

It’s 4AM and I’ve wasted the night in my thoughts.
I feel your breath warm against my neck,
But your hands have not left my body,
And I think this is what it must be like to drown–
At peace, drifting off to sleep, letting the water carry my heart to you.
I never meant to fall, but the waters calm demeanor lured me in
So together we float along, seeing just how long we can hold our breath.

Tempting the Sun Across the Night Sky

The blood you’ve drawn is hotter than any love you could give,
For the fire that burns in you is quick to set aflame those who you touch,
Ready to swallow promises that sit on the tip of your tongue.
Those who’ve known your touch never stay for long,
Sensing the embers within your soul,
Their bodies too heated to last under the rising temperature.
So I tread lightly, for I have been burned once before,
The sun is always more tempting from across the night sky.

So with your smoldering eyes and sharp tongue,
I let you take sin and me to your bed, made of satin and cotton.
As the moon rises, lighting my body with faded white light,
Your mouth makes pictures on my skin,
The red left behind is nothing but a memory of a fleeting touch,
And the embers you give off become nothing more than a candle in the wind.

Our union is nothing short of a good time,
Falling under the sheets and in between my breasts,
So I ride out what is left of my dignity,
And let you shove my face into the pillows, my hips rising to meet yours.
I scream as you move roughly, never pausing to let me adjust,
You shake as I bite the space between your chest and neck.
And we continue this game for some time, but never for long,
Collecting our time spent would be too much for both of us to give.

Over the table, through the door, there is no ground that we have not consummated,
Yet the feeling behind it gives as much as we take.
And my heart knows that there will be no coming back from a mistake like this,
While yours is too wrapped up in an orgasm, never breathing the space between.
I move away from your fire, and give myself to the ashes.
And you, too caught up in the feeling, cannot know your own fire is your demise.
So I let you be consumed by the trusted feeling of pride and arrogance,
Falling to my knees and taking you into my mouth,
As I smother the remains of a fire too bright to burn much longer.
When you have come down and the smoke has cleared,
You glance at me, astonished that I could hold a power so close to your own.
But I wipe my mouth of any trace of you and rise to my feet,
For any fire to meet my touch would always melt away,
Evaporating into smoke and ash, long to be forgotten by the wind and sky.
While sex had become your safe haven, your heated touch gracing untouched skin,
The fire extinguished those who wandered to close; I held my breath and blew,
Knowing your candle would never hold to my lips so close to the dawn,
For the rising sun only holds power over the fading twilight when the dawn has finally broke.

i miss it…

I miss it,
The way my thoughts spilled so openly,
Proud and shy, they resonated with those of like minds
And brought friends and strangers alike together,
Under the thought of knowing my wayward thinking,
But what they don’t know,
Was that I broke myself in half to find the words,
Cut into my heart, raw and bloody,
To grasp the meaning of the feelings I could never name aloud,
And it left me with scars I could never proudly bear the way I would if they had been molded into words,

I miss it,
The digging up of my own graves,
Of the feelings I thought I buried long ago,
No cobwebs found on the tombstone,
And the dirt around was fresh as a daisy,
A taken care of past that wasn’t meant to bleed into my life,
Because I swore I was over it,
But it seemed it was the only thing my pen remembered how to write,
Piece after piece, until the ink stained my pages,
Each line eerily similar to the others,
Anything but confronting the monsters lurking in my shadow,
Because those wounds never closed properly,
And I can still be caught licking the blood off my scars,
The same ones I wished never left their mark.

And here I am,
Writing about my past, and how it affects my present,
And no doubt will bleed into my future,
I wish I could say I missed it,
(But I know I’m lying when I say it isn’t far from my reach, the ink still eager to stain my fingers and pages)
And it still breaks my heart to reach that deeply into the mended heart,
Tapped and stitched together with twine,
But I use it because it breaks so easily when I need to rip the wound open again,
To capture the feeling that is raw and real and felt by so many like me
Carried by their scars, those self inflicted and given by those we thought would never hurt us,
So eager to have our stories heard anywhere but the pages of our skin…

make me feel

I hate the way you make me feel,
Thought and feeling that have no business in this heart of mine,
For she is long since rejected your types,
The ones who seem to want make a lastingly impression
But have no intention of staying.

I hate the way you make me feel,
Tongue tied and butterflies,
Who are you to give me such unwanted temptation?
Desires and feelings that I wish I never felt when it came to you,
When there’s no intention of acting on them, what good are these thoughts to me?

I hate the way you make me feel,
Helpless without seeing you, knowing what’s going in your head,
Thinking of you when you’ve wandered too far from me,
Knowing that I will never be the same since meeting you,
And that terrifies me more than you’ll ever hear me admit.

I hate the way you make me feel,
Scared, so terrified that I can’t remember to breath because every emotion comes rush into my lungs with each new breath of you.
How helpless it is to cling to these thoughts and feelings that came out of nowhere
I hate the way you make me feel, but I’ve grown so used to it, crave it as much as my next breath, I just can’t seem to stop.

This Run Down Bar

Listen to the words I sing into the mic, sensual and desperate,
Feeling good and different, knowing it can’t be the alcohol warming your veins.
These words, they will capture you in a trance, letting you sway,
But don’t sway too far to one side,
Because than you will no longer be able to feel what I do.

Love is but a background noise, in this run down little bar,
First you are not sure what you hear,
Words mumbled and lyrics sung on a key to low to be heard the first time.
Then, you are curious, ears perked as you strain to listen,
Not knowing that once you’ve heard her the siren song,
You would never be able to go without.

It’s not like the relationships you watch through rose-colored lens,
Scripted and written with just enough tragedies to be romantic.
But I still crave the feeling I’ve never been able to define.

The chaos in the beauty of this thing called love was always hard to hear,
Few could ever amount to something as timeless and composed,
But, now, she has become an all-consuming thing,
Every thought, every action and everything is because of her,
And you struggle to find who you are without her,
(But you adore what she has turned you into,
Smart mouth and ever feeling and emotional to a fault).
So let’s stop thinking about the timing of it all.
And just know that we made the best out of what little time we had.