to be 18 and in love

I haven’t thought about you in so long,
Not since my heart was 18 and so pure in love
Young and innocent, eager to feel everything
But, even after all this time, it seems my heart remembers you,
Little things only, because too much time has past for us to have every amounted to anything,
But such a power those little things hold still,
And I wish love were as simply as it was when we were 18,
It gave me hope and joy, and…something I’ve lost in my wisdom and age,
And perhaps that is why I remember you so fondly now,
Seeking a happier, a cherished time when the world made more sense,
Where love was what was given and earned,
Not taken and manipulated,
Oh, to be young and dumb and in love…

spoken words (I’m drunk)

I’m drunk, I have to be,
Because the honesty sits on my tongue like its ready to spill out

I’m ready to scream it,

If only to show to that I feel it so strongly,
I feel what we hide, what we shyly coy away from yet can’t resist,

And we become trapped in the never-ending cycle of taboo and thrill,
Longing to be connected.

I swear my intention for the night started off well,

Good even, but they seem to have a mind of their own,
Those damn intentions,

Willing to bend and mold to whatever will get them further to you,

But darling they will never break, because that would mean I would have to face the reality of the weapon you created.

Heart cold thought her ice creates fragility at the same time,
She craves intimacy and longs to destroy the need,

I must be drunk.

You’ve poisoned me, I would never say these things aloud,

Or have I fought you far to long that I’ve grown weary

Letting these thoughts become words that once spoken aloud cannot be unsaid,
And they would start the a new cycle we would never be able t escape from.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

i don’t have the answer…

The tears come unexpectedly,
Then again, I suppose tragedies always come whenever they please,
Neither caring nor acknowledging the lives they destroyed after taking one,
Simply moving on, why does time make it look so easy?

Or is it easy because it isn’t trapped, frozen in the spot where your heart broke,
Where you whole axis shifted to deal with something you never dreamed
And a piece of your soul vanishes in a blink of an eye as the hand falls from your grasp…

The tears come now, almost like clock work
At the expected time,
Like my heart knows its time to mourn you,
But I can’t let myself, because that means missing you is now my new normal,
And I don’t know what normal is without you there,
I don’t want to,
Not ready to take another step without you holding my hand,
Guiding me—I can’t, I’ll fall, stumble,
I can’t get up, I’m afraid I’ll live forever down here,
Crying over you,
Clinging to a dream I’ll pray to never wake from,
A pray to never know the end to,
Even though my reality reminds me ever time I open my eyes…

The tears flow and they seem to never stop,
And I know time with lessen their meaning,
And maybe stop them from fall altogether,
But,
I’ll still be living in my dreamland,
Where you laugh and cry with me,
Never letting go of my hand…

to see forever

You told me we would see forever,
Under the stars and the moon,
As timeless as they were,

A fool, I was, to believe that we could ever amount to the stars,
I suppose the stars in my eyes blinded me from seeing what you truly meant,

That there was only magic in your words, but no meaning behind them,
But I’ll still blame the darkness for not being able to see you as you were,

And I was a fool all the same.

pieces of the shattered glass you threw,

I’m left picking up pieces of the shattered glass you threw,
Bottles that you drank from too long, too much,
And the poison had been in your system,
Blocking what sobriety had to offer.

This darkness I’ve known my whole life,
Become accustom to it,
Partaking in it myself,
But my demons are my own,
And I can only blame you for your actions, not the way they affecting me.

This fear I’ve let linger in the back of my mind,
Comes to life in each sip of the glass,
And my lips savor the excuse of not dealing with it.
But you, I can never know if your reasons are like my own,
Throwing, and clinging to the bottle,
Hiding behind the affects of ignorance,
I can’t ignore the problem like you do,
And that gives me the strength to fight my demons

Yet I fear your succumb to yours already,
And there is nothing I can do to pull you from your self-made abyss
Throwing glass, I’m left to pick up the pieces,
never knowing your cry for help only echoed my own…

ignites

I’m glad to know I still hold weight in your thoughts
Like my opinion matters,
But we both know it doesn’t
I haven’t been apart of your life in so long,
And I can’t remember what it was like when you were in then picture,
But here we are, still thinking leftover thoughts,
And we can’t seem to let each other go,
It makes me…I don’t know,

I can’t say anymore, because it doesn’t affect me,
But it does, and I can’t name this feeling I hate to crave.
I still see your name and something ignites in me,
And it makes me petty and ashamed that I still have an effect on you too,
Yet, it burns something more in me, a fire that never died,
Fuels me, needing to release that fire before it burns its way through me,
And I need it, I need to be consumed and erupt and then exhausted,
I need it all,
I’m glad these thoughts weight heavy on the fires that burn their way through us,
Because who else would we be without the flames to consume us?

haunting me (and you)

Do you think of me anymore?
Do I still haunt your thoughts; keep you questioning your worth?
I’ll admit, you’re still here, doing the very same,
And I can’t understand why,
I mean I know, I know I let you have this small power over me,
But I can no longer remember why,
Not when you have lost your power, over so much time,
And so much assurance,
Still I find myself falling back into your wicked schemes when I need an enemy,
To justify my own demons,
To explain yours…I can’t remember whose came first,

Who’s started the war without our own insecurities,
Should I be proud I still haunt yours the way you do mine?
Or is it just a testimony to how much more we need to grow…
Up, apart, or simply flat line,
Anything to get us out of this cycle,
Is there a way out?
Because I would love to know, even if you’re the only one with an answer,
I’ll gladly take it…anything to spare myself of this doomed cycle…

is this what it means to be a coward?

It’s lazy, like I forget that I should be concerned about something right now,

But I just roll my shoulders,
Smile and don’t let my mind linger on one thought too long,

I can’t be responsible for what it strays to,

I can’t control her,
Though I pretend I can, pretend I care,
Tied down and yet able to cut the bides that tie me as easily as they ensnare me,

Is that what it means to be a coward?

To always have an escape in case things got messy,
In case you got messy…?

Ready to run when feelings get to deep, the emotions run to high they can’t be contained in a single instance,

And I can’t reason with them.