glass of chaos

The glass is too close,
Top it off, and it hangs off the edge,
What have you done to me?
I never used to cling to the bottle,
There was never a comfort in the liquid that burned my throat,
But when you crashed into me,
That changed,
Everything about you was chaos,
Beautiful and abrupt and wild and in love,
But you weren’t a constant,
Not yet anyway,
So I needed to find something, anything, to cling to in the chaos of you,
And the bottle, the glass of whatever I poured at the time,
That was it; it was there, helping me relax,
Helping me come to terms with my new reality of you,
And I’m not saying it was the best choice I’ve made,
But it was a natural one,
And that should scare me,
But… I can’t bring myself to be afraid,
Not of the poison that carries me through,
But that it keeps me immune from your chaos,
(until you become too much and I drink and drink and throw it all away
only to open another bottle as the sun fades in the sky and the stars call for me)
So top me off, I’ve grown used the edge by now,
And lets see how long I can hang off the edge until chaos explodes.

pendulum

I had a dream,
We were on a swing, and we kept swinging and swinging,
Higher and higher, it was nice to feel the wind in my hair,
How everything seemed so much smaller up above.
But, as everything does, we grew tired of rocking back and forth,
Of pushing and kicking our legs only to stay exactly the same.
So I tried to put us to a halt,
I kicked my legs straight, I pushed my heels into the ground,
But no matter what I did, we never stopped,
We kept going at the same pace, the same speed,
And the distance from the ground began daunting and scary,
Suspense tried to lift me out of my seat, and it did,
Until gravity tied be back in place, thrusting me towards the ground once again,
Though we still continued up, still swinging back and forth,
The swing kept up at the same speed, the same distances,
And I couldn’t wake up….

sugar coated

Screw you,
And this attempt at making nice,
I’m sick of the sugar-coated words,
It sticks to my tongue,
Burns the roof of my mouth,
And what comes out is acid and fire,
Ready to fight whatever comes my way,
Because this isn’t what we made it to be,
Not what we intended, anyway,
And what we have left,
Well, isn’t much to speak of,
Unless we’re screaming back and forth,
That acid coating and sealing us into a cycle,
Until we have nothing left but that fire,
A fire that one could say was passion and love,
But we know it to be hate and resentment
Because it burns hotter, not warmer,
And I think, screw you, to whoever is listening,
For allowing such a corruption to take hold of both our hearts…

cheap tricks and addictions

Cheap tricks and party favors used to get me through the night,
Wrapped up in another strangers arms,
The city that never sleeps kept my attention,
But that addiction was never with me when I woke in another’s bed,
Night after night, thrills faded and I took hits stronger than the last,
I needed the addiction to keep me up, to keep me strung along for a little more,
But that high only lasts so long,
And than you sauntered into my life,
Randomly, so unexpectedly and I hate it,
Hate that I wished you were with me the nights I explored those late nights,
Ventured into the dawn with new stories and surprising addictions to mirror the poor choices I used to make
Hate that I started to need you to keep me up longer,
Hate that you started to replace the addictions entirely…

Cheap trick and party favors are the things I clung to,
Kept me warm in the middle of the night with each new stranger my body wrapped around.
And it should have been enough; it was what I was used to,
And I hate you for changing that about me,
Hate that I looked forward to coming home to you in our bed,
That I want to be wrapped up in only you,
And the only party favors I wanted were your silly jokes and corny dance moves,
Your cheap tricks making me snort the tequila out of my nose,
Your laughter drowning out my complaints and bemoans,
And I hate that I find myself laughing along too.
A new addiction is forming,
And I hate that I’m helpless to stop it…

control, lack there of

You see behind this façade,
This mask so poorly place in front of my eyes,
Trying to hide myself from your view.
I can’t look too much longer,
My eyes aren’t strong enough to hold yours,
Knowing I can’t back my thoughts with defense mechanisms,
Knowing you’ll see right though them.

Sometimes I wish this was easier,
Mind readers and falling stars each night,
So damn romantic we can’t stand it,
But that’s not what life is,
Its complicated and messy and nothing like what I picture in my head.
These situations don’t go my way because I’m not the only one in them,
And that kills me,
Because you can’t control how others will react,
And the lack of control cripples me,

My soul responding to the chaos,
My heart left to pick up what’s left in its disaster.
You say you can see beyond the façade,
Read me as well as the back of you hand,
But let me ask you,
Why do you think its up in the first place?
Surely not to keep you out,
But maybe to keep to in,
Locked onto the mystery I give you over and over again…

i hate how i still look for you (as my escape)

I hate how I’m still look or you,
Even though I said I needed a break,
An escape,
I still cling to you as though you can make me feel,
Feel better; feel powerful,
Feel anything than the feeling I’m refusing to name,
I hate it,
But I can’t turn away when you call,
I still have you close,
A choice I know I should have walked away from sometime ago,
But, I can’t…can’t let go of this, of you,
It’s hard to walk away from the constant in your life,
No matter the side effects,
Because you were the only ting to remain,
Even on my darkest day,
You were there, never too far,
And I fucking hate it,
Because even now I look for you,
Thinking of ways to have you close when I already cast you aside,
An escape I once said,
But what am I exactly escaping from when you’re on the run with me…?

This Sickness

The sickness is not one of choice, but of course, no disease ever is, so
Settle down and let the crowds rush in to witness a miracle
Of a sinner born with gentle arrogance and good intentions,
Only to be played on by a power as blind as faith.

There are crimes only man can commit,
So brutal and cruel, they could never hope to regain their lost innocence,
Shattered like the heart of the woman who first loved man.
The hostility spreads further than the space of heaven
Capturing beautiful angels, clipping their wings on a promise of new glory,
The words from a profit, a fallen angel, had never sounded so lovely.
These creatures emerge from the depths of whatever hell would not hold them,
And their mentality is quick to spread to the minds of the rational.

The sickness is not a choice, but I shall choose it regardless,
Its promising temptation too powerful, seducing my already malleable morals.
The pretty lies and thrilling flashes capture my devote heart,
But I cannot worship a false God without just reward.
So I let her climb inside my body, fixing the temple that traps my righteousness.
I let her wash me in tears of true believers and forgotten prayers,
All the while hoping not to attract the eyes of my sleeping demons.

The sickness is all consuming and dominant and not without its price,
For I have become as blind as the faith that ties me to broken angels,
All the while holding onto a promise of divine majesty and immortality.
And have found a comfort in the faux wings of my delusional mind,
While my demons awake with a newfound ecstasy of unknown grace and pride.
Though they have yet to discover the temptation of a repeated sin.

The sickness has evolved and spread, without nature dealing her piece,
Leading me to crave a new high to give my heart to,
So I fall under another magical spell and let the tale weave a new song into my heart,
Listening to the cries of the night, for they carry a warning no man wills to hear.
I found love where she would have never ventured.
If not for the sad cries of a lonely heart and a broken prayer,
She would have never found my ghost, hidden in the shadows of my own hell.

There is no cure for my sickness, just endless temptations and new highs to seek,
So be careful, for the fallen angel you give sympathy will lead you to demise.
I keep going to the walls filled with holy men and forgiveness,
Hoping to be bathed in the tears of true believers and devote saints.
And I wait for the day the river will have nothing left to wash away.

to be loved and then loved by you

Who would I be when I was still with you?
Would we have grown together,
Embraced our flaws and learned to be what the other needed…
Then,
Would we have grown sick of each other,
Hating the very things that made us fall in love.
Love, such a loose word for us.
Would that have changed too?
Or,
Would things have remained the same,
The same tired lies and excuses,
Our fights that grew harder and frequent and violent.
The walls that grew and grew, until I wished to throw you over.

The same abuse I let happen,
Again and again,
The bruises faded so the damage wasn’t permanent.
The same tired lies and excuses.

Because I thought that’s what was needed to keep us together,
Would I have learned to love that too?
What if is such a dangerous game?
And I still played it with you
Countless times,
Because what if it changed,
What if, what if, what if, what if….

I scream it until my throat is raw,
What if I had been enough,
What if you were good for me, and god how I wish you were.
But that was the naivety in me,
What if I had been smarter,
What If I got tired of the same old lies and excuses.
What if I told myself I deserve better…
Because I did.
I still play this game,
But at least I will never know what it is like to love and still be loved by you.

punchline

Why can’t I see straight,
Why are all these thoughts swirling inside?

Pushing to get out,
Screaming inside my mind,
But my mouth refuses to open,
Hazy and dazed,
I fooled myself into thinking you’d be there when I came down,
I guess I inhaled on an exhale,
Let it cloud my judgment,
And it left me with a dry mouth and a drier wit,
Enough to combat the damage you left me in,

But it still clouds me,
Still asking for the jokes, the where is he if he’s not with you remarks…
And I still laugh them off,
Like they don’t know I’ve already taken the punch line,
Knee slapping and gut clenching,
I take it all,
Just to hope, to remind myself of when you were still here.

point of yous

I wish you could see it from my point of view,
How damage has a way of carrying everything with it,
And it translates into every part of you,
I wish you could see.
I feel sorry for the person you were before,
When you let things happen and settled for the least,
Because that person, conditioned you,
Molded you to accept what you thought you deserved,
And I think you deserve everything, have it all,
But it’s so hard, when you can’t see it
That person, faulted you and molded you into…this
And I hate them for it,
Because I can’t fix you, not all at once
Not in a short amount of time,
And it’s not fair,
Not to you, not to me, not the ones we could be,
They damaged you,
All the point of yous,
And you’re so far gone you can’t even see.
Can’t understand that you have parts so broken they dangle off yourself,
And until all I can glue them back,
You lug them along the floor, dragging more dirt and breaking it down further,
Until they become rags, pieces I try to sew back together,
But I can’t see anything from your point of view,
Down on the ground,
The damage splayed out along the floor….