seeds of temptation

I entertain the thought of you,
And I feel like that makes me a bad person,
You shouldn’t be the one that makes me flutter,
And honestly, you have no hold over me,
But, maybe, it’s your idea, what you could mean,
Well, the idea of you that has me daydreaming,
Thinking of things differently, if you were the center of my focus,

But, I know that’s not right,
Not the one my heart bleeds for, sings for,
But my head, my thoughts drift towards you even when I don’t want them to,
And that makes me concerned,

Does that make me human, or a horrible person,
Or is it something we can’t even address,
A feeling with no name,
But so commonly felt,
That we all know the thing we think about as I write these words,
Humans with a taste for the temptation,
Now where have I heard that one before…?

crazy and bound to me.

On some nights I lie awake and wonder if you’re thinking of me,
For no other reason than to be vain,
I want you to still think of me,
Let your every thought be consumed by me,
Because that means this was worth it,
And that I thought the same way you did.
I can’t stand thinking this was all in vain,
Vanity and I go hand in hand,
She keeps me sane, and loving every bit of the insanity I crave,
I wonder,
Is the body keeping you warm at night as good as me?
Does she love you the insane way I do?
Because I know no one will ever compare,
To you or to me,
And I know you’ll never have another the way you had me,
Freely, fully and insanely…
Enough to keep you coming back again and again and again
Until it wasn’t,
And I’m lying awake,
Wondering why my insanity wasn’t enough to keep you,
Crazy and bound to me.

if my ceiling could talk…

I wonder what my ceiling would say if she could talk?
She’s see so much of me,
So much of my intimacies,
Between myself, and those I let crawl into the sheets she gazed on.
The moments that made me wonder,
The sleepless nights she let me stare at her,
Unnerving and solemn.

Lines I created and burned,
Ones no one dared to cross,
Ones the wrong people burned through,
And the she saw the ruins it left me in.

What would she say to me, if she could,
Would she hug me,
Soothe me and wipe the tears as they fell?
Or would she shake her head and chastise me,
Mock me for allowing these things to happen without her guidance,
Or would she remain silent.
Letting me talk and scream and cry,
And simply be the pillar I know her as.

What would she say?
The ceiling I stare up at every night,
And tell me most intimate secrets to.
What would you say?

fantasy forest

Creeping up,
Scarcely running away from my reality,
I find you,

Waiting,
As though you knew I’d stumble onto you here,

Among the chaos and the noise,
Even though I swear you were shut off forever,
Kept away for my own safety,

My own sanity.

But yet,
I found you; all on my own,
I dug deeper into the dirt,
Wandered further than I ever dared,
Finding you like a light among the trees,
Filtered and faint,

But you were waiting for me,
As though you thought I wouldn’t seek you out,
Surprised but not unwilling,
Creeping up on you,
You welcome me back with tangled webs and open thorns,
And into the dark forest we fall,
Further away from my reality
A mere fantasy that the sun shines on.

in chaos (theory)

Some days I wonder,
What’s the point,

Why fight, why yell insults back and forth,
Does it even matter any longer?
We’ve both felt this way for a long timeGoing back and forth on the promises we held dear so long ago,

I feel as though they don’t hold the same flame to our dying candle,
The devil I was drawn to,
The bad boy I feel in lust with,
A monster I could never learn to love,
Because he didn’t understand my definitions of love,
Or how they differed from his,

Give up,
This is all we can be, are meant to be,
Stop calling out to me in your desperation,
Because I can’t satisfy your cravings,
They’re too dark, too horrifying to express,
And I can’t be beholden to them anymore.
Some days I truly wonder,
Where did we think we were going,
Amongst the chaos and destruction…

Did we think we’d make it out alive?
Or unchanged,
Because we should have known better,
We always did,
Or at least used to…

smile

Praise and kind words make me smile,
Cheeks slightly raised, lips never parted.
Anyone can form a compliment,
All it takes is the right words strung together,
But you always manage to make them sound so….
Like the universe never knew a soul like mine,
And you’ve just discovered me.
Shocked and amazed,
You act as though my words flow through your heart, your head,
And embrace every part of you,
Even the ones you hide from the world,
I know, I’ve hidden parts of me for a long time,
The ones I’m afraid to let other see,
Afraid to let myself believe,
But, the way your eyes light up when I read a new thought out loud,
Or let you discover a new piece of myself,
It makes me smile,
Truly smile,
Cheeks aching from grinning,
And my mouth laughs along with my soul,
For a soul like yours to have discovered mine…
Not everyone can be so lucky.

nights like these

On nights like these,
I always second-guess myself,
I begin to doubt us,
How can we be so, so good, so god we forget the bad,
Only to be reminded of everything horrible in a single word,
With a single sentence that cuts into our souls,
Hurtful and deep, resonating truth into the parts we keep buried,
And….I’m not sure what that means,
How can we be both these people?
How do we fix it…is there anything we can fix?
Is it worth it? Are we?
On nights like these, you’re here next you me,
But not the version I need you to be,
And that’s not fair, I shouldn’t expect you to conform to my fantasy of you,
Or the us we are in the sunlight,
But you can’t expect the same of me,
And we’re so stubborn, stuck in our ways
That I’m afraid we’ll forever be running in circles on nights like these

better than that…?

What makes me better than that?

Than the lies I tell,
Than the way I live, or love,

Because some days I find myself so much like the things I run from,
Or the people I tell myself I will never be like,

What makes me better than that?

Nothing, that’s the truth,

On days I admit it and on days I pretend I don’t.
I am not better than any soul that I encounter,
Because they are not me,
And as much as I wish I could rise above,

Shove my ‘better ways’ in the cosmos’ face,
I know it amounts to nothing,
And they all continue to live their lives,
As though my opinion doesn’t mater,
Because it doesn’t
And that is the truth I hide from,

So give me the strength to rise above,
To face the things I run from,
And to grow to be the person who is better for her worth and heart,
Not for what she hides from.

fallen amongst us sinners

So beautiful to me,
Blinded by the light that radiated from you,
Blind, maybe that’s the reason,
Maybe that’s why I thought you an angel,
Before the fall,
Because you spilled words like wine,
Smooth and intoxicating
I’m drunk on the very idea,
Tell me more,
I’m leaning in, eager to catch the sins that fall from your lips,
Tantalizing,
I’ve fallen,
For such gorgeous eyes,
Shrouded by your lies, the tales that are able to be strung by your words,
So eager to lean in, I fell right into your fires,
Burning, I smile as I light up,
Embers and ashes falling from my smile,
I’m happy to be with you, so beautiful, so corrupted,
I never feel the burn.

misery loves company

My misery loves company,
Anything to hype her up,
I’m tired of entertaining,
Can you take over for a while?
Run through my mazes for a while,
Try not to get lost,
It can be a bit chaotic in there,
But I need to rest,
I’ve fought so long,
Against you, my own demons,
And the dangers they present,
Or maybe the temptation to cling to, I can no longer tell,
Or even if there is a difference between the right and wrong things to cling to in anger,
My misery,
She loves miserable pieces of shit,
When will she learn they never have what she’s truly looking for?
When will she know that misery is still misery
no matter how deeply it’s loved…?