control, lack there of

You see behind this façade,
This mask so poorly place in front of my eyes,
Trying to hide myself from your view.
I can’t look too much longer,
My eyes aren’t strong enough to hold yours,
Knowing I can’t back my thoughts with defense mechanisms,
Knowing you’ll see right though them.

Sometimes I wish this was easier,
Mind readers and falling stars each night,
So damn romantic we can’t stand it,
But that’s not what life is,
Its complicated and messy and nothing like what I picture in my head.
These situations don’t go my way because I’m not the only one in them,
And that kills me,
Because you can’t control how others will react,
And the lack of control cripples me,

My soul responding to the chaos,
My heart left to pick up what’s left in its disaster.
You say you can see beyond the façade,
Read me as well as the back of you hand,
But let me ask you,
Why do you think its up in the first place?
Surely not to keep you out,
But maybe to keep to in,
Locked onto the mystery I give you over and over again…

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abyss in Love

Look up and all you see is dark

Never fading, never a slim dash of light,
Minus the false sparkle of a new attraction,
Just the endless darkness,

Comforting in ways you can’t describe,
But you know the emotion.
That’s what it was like to love,

Falling over and over again,

Into darkness, you had no idea what lay beneath,
You only knew you didn’t mind falling again and again if it meant you’d find what you needed at the bottom,

But that was a beautiful take on the reality of it all,

Because that darkness was ready to eat you alive,
And you had no idea,
Eyes closed, even though you couldn’t see in front of you,
Never knowing what lurked inches from your face.
And now here you are,
At the bottom,
Looking up,
Not seeing the dangers in front of you face,
Because your eyes have caught a slim dash of light…

grow up

I grew up,
Stopped believing in forever and now,
Again and again,
I still find myself wandering back to you,
An addiction I can’t seem to shake,
A story that I’ve read a thousand times before,
Rehearsed the lines and best scenes,
Rewrote the ending more times than I can count,
And still forever seems plausible if I think about it hard enough,
Or if I refuse to think about it longer than a minute,

I grew up,
I did, I had to,
And still, I find myself walking, crawling, running back,
Wishing I could find myself three more wishes,
A genie, a magic mushroom, a white horse and the damn prince,
(…the drugs in my system have to have somewhat of the same effect…)
And I wake every morning,
The same me, I think…I wish…
But older, sadder, just…not the same person I knew the night before,

I grew up,
I got older yes,But each hit takes the edge off slightly,
And the highs bring me to a happy I haven’t found I a while
But I still wake each morning,
Changed and wishing and begging for something I can’t grasp.
Coming to realize life will never be what I want,
Because I can’t let go of those childish crutches,
They simply evolved, into things that I know I shouldn’t need,
Because I can’t keep waking up each morning
Finding I haven’t grown up at all.

cages

I built myself inside this cage,

And foolishly gave you the only key,
Thinking you’d keep it safe,

Hoping you would, at least.

Cages aren’t always meant to keep people in you tell me,
Sometimes, they’re meant to keep certain ones out,
For safety, for love, for whatever reason you choose,
Because this cage has kept me inside for far too long,
And I have no choice but to believe the poison that drips from your mouth,
Lapping it up with dry tongue,
Foolishly praying one day it’ll give me the strength to break the locks,
Cast the iron aside and find my way out.

I built this cage, yes,
I know that now,
Always did,
But never did I think you’d use it to keep me locked away.

shadows cast

What is it like to live in my shadow?
But honestly, it’s harder to live in yours,
(s)He chose me,
But (s)he puts your needs first,
(s)He loves me,
But there’s a part of that will love you too,
And I know it’s selfish to want one soul to be all mine,
To be kept away from the rest of the world,
To love only me,
But a heart will always come with a past,
And I should be okay with that,

Good souls love truly and deeply,
But what must it be like to (not) keep score,
Comparisons I never wanted,
Never needed, yet always hear,
What’s it like to live in a shadow cast around your heart?
I’ve yet to figure it out….

(4)ever

I’ve never been so sure of anything until you,

And it’s funny,
Cause these doubts and fears are still there,
Still plague me when I’m vulnerable and at my lowest,
But I always seem to find my way back to you,
The haunting never keeping me long,
Though it still scares me shitless.
How fears and doubts melt away,
That kind of power should never be taken lightly,

But with you,

I knew I’d never have to be afraid again,
Safety is a blessing and it found a home in my heart,
To kept and looked after forever,
And forever always sounded daunting,
But never when I look for it with you.

fallen petals

*Prompt: tell a story in 250 words*

She trails her fingers lightly over the petals of the dying rose. She hadn’t stepped foot in the house since everything happened, the memories too strong. The smells still linger as they did on the last day. Some things have a tendency to remain the same even among tragedy.

Her eyes blink, trying to adjust to the change in light as she steps into the darkened bedroom. The place where it could have all been fixed, or, she muses, a place where they played pretend. Life had been simpler than, and she wants to lie, throw the word happiness around, but she knows neither of them was truly happy in the place together. Still, things could have been so different had life continued the way she designed. The bed is still half made, as though thrown together with the intent of finishing when there was enough time. She can picture her bedhead, trace the fallen strands of hairs as then fell to the pillow in a hurry. Funny how you never know what time you have until it’s gone. But she knows time wouldn’t have changed anything.

“Did you get everything you needed out of that room?”

She turns towards the door, listening as the voice echoes across the empty room.

“Yes”, she whispered, her fingers clutching the sheets.

The door closes silently, much like the way things were left.