bad b*tch

Bad bitch, sad bitch…can you blame a bitch?
All these lovely titles make smile, make me laugh,
Until I don’t know whether the tears came before or after
Cry me a river, or I’ll cry myself a storm,
Either one should be enough to flush you out of my system,
Still, the rain that falls from my eyes holds the toxic traits of you,
Because even when the clouds fade from my skies,
You still find a way to linger
Polluting my future, my vision,
I wish you still saw my as this goddess,
This woman who held her head high and commanded love and respect,
But you let the storms cloud your eyes too,
And now all we see is the blurred visions of what we were,
Long ago,
Or maybe not that long ago,
Maybe we simply forgot what we swore to be for each other,
Our clouds rolled in too soon to the sky,
Turning the sunny days into ominous promises,
And we let ourselves transform into the things we promised we would never,
Bad bitch, sad bitch, I am that bitch.
And let me tell you from a bitch’s point of view,
I will come out of this storm more powerful than you know to fear.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…

haunting me (and you)

Do you think of me anymore?
Do I still haunt your thoughts; keep you questioning your worth?
I’ll admit, you’re still here, doing the very same,
And I can’t understand why,
I mean I know, I know I let you have this small power over me,
But I can no longer remember why,
Not when you have lost your power, over so much time,
And so much assurance,
Still I find myself falling back into your wicked schemes when I need an enemy,
To justify my own demons,
To explain yours…I can’t remember whose came first,

Who’s started the war without our own insecurities,
Should I be proud I still haunt yours the way you do mine?
Or is it just a testimony to how much more we need to grow…
Up, apart, or simply flat line,
Anything to get us out of this cycle,
Is there a way out?
Because I would love to know, even if you’re the only one with an answer,
I’ll gladly take it…anything to spare myself of this doomed cycle…

to see forever

You told me we would see forever,
Under the stars and the moon,
As timeless as they were,

A fool, I was, to believe that we could ever amount to the stars,
I suppose the stars in my eyes blinded me from seeing what you truly meant,

That there was only magic in your words, but no meaning behind them,
But I’ll still blame the darkness for not being able to see you as you were,

And I was a fool all the same.

stuck…

The words a stuck in my throat,
The ache in them making it harder to breath,
But still I can’t manage to utter them,

…because that gives them life,
And I’ll never be able to take them back once spoken.
I wish I were meaner, colder,
That I didn’t care what they would do to you.

And some words I let fly so freely I’m amazed I have no shame in saying them,
And then there are these words, that I let sit on my tongue,
Let the taste of them sit in my mouth and weigh their consequences,

…how do we know the difference between them…
This time the words don’t come,
They know before I do that their damage is irreversible,
And in my anger I don’t care,
I want to scream them.
Let you know the hurt and sadness you caused in my heart,

But…
Nothing comes out,
Nothing my the sorrowful sigh and the tears,

And I choke on them,
The emotion, the worry and anger.

I let them stay,
Drink them down with something bitter and soothing,
And wait to deal with you, them, when I can swallow freely.

The Road Always Traveled

Love. This feeling that has no perfect definition,
The feeling that is both a blessing and curse,
The emotion that is trapped by the way things once were, and never will be
It is the thing that Gods crave and humans seek for a lifetime,
It is the making of timeless song, woven in the grounds of the Earth,
Waiting for the day when it will be simple, another rational feeling to the mind,
But dear, that day will never see the light of day.

I’ve rode this path dozens of times,
Each time taking one more wrong turn than the last,
My heart and me should know better by now,
But we never learn the rules of an ever-changing road,
Blowing through stop signs, throwing caution over the many bridges we’ve crossed.
But these feelings and emotions that we connect and trace over,
They are like the tide, here for a night, gone by the sunrise.

My heart and I grow fond of the feelings we created,
And, oh darling, it not the feelings I’m afraid of
Emotions and I have too much history to be disregarded.
(My heart has lived so many versions of a life, one thousand times over,
And in each we discover a new definition of forever,
Built on the feelings a heart must discover through a life lived.)
No, I am no more of afraid of falling in love as I am breathing,
Both painful dependent on another, both necessary for my survival and hers,
But, falling out of love, that stops us cold.

To give so much of who I am, to someone who does not think like me,
The fear that one day we will not be what each other needs,
And the feelings that once burns our hearts with fireworks and passion and love,
Becomes nothing more than an ember too burnt to light a fire.
So we guard ourselves, my heart and me,
Never letting one rule completely for too long,
Because the day when all these feelings we feel become rational.
Is the day my heart dies and my mind becomes a slave to the way things once were.

your little grave

I hope follow me to the grave,
Lower me down as you smile, happy to know you finally did it,
Killed me with kindness, killed me in the ways that mattered,
Took my spirit and soul and crushed them under the constant pressure of you.
I wonder, did you dig it all on your own,
Or did I stupidly pick up the shovel to ease your burden,
Because I’m nothing but a pleaser,
And please tell me you’ve dug deep enough down,
Because I can’t say I’ll be happy here in the hollowed, lazy halls of death,
Not if you left so many things left unsaid…

Or was it me..?
Who had so much to say, but never the courage to let it fall from my lips?
But I suppose once death finds you,
Nothing goes unsaid,
And you’ll find me spitting back the dirt you tried to bury me in,
 So I hope I drag you into this grave with me,

I hope the damage of me haunts you until you choose to pick up that discarded shovel,
And make room for one more in the graves you left unmarked,
Those you thought unworthy
Whose words you stole along with their hearts and sanity,
When there’s nothing left to remember you,
When the phantoms are the only things pulling your cheeks, ear to ear,
What’s more one unmarked grave to someone who couldn’t even be bothered to care for those that came before…?

rose shards

Beauty in the contradictions we claim,
I always liked my view of the world through rose shards,
Tasting the liquor as it burns down my throat,
The crystal always more a comfort in my hand then I’d care to admit.
I’ll keep my regrets at the bottom of each glass I finish,
Each filled higher and higher with every promise broken,
Every lost friendship and crack embedded into my heart,
Hardening the parts of me exposed to the elements,
Their cracks deepening with each storm and fire storm.
So bottoms up, lets down each drink with a little more vigor than the last,
Because it seems to be the only thing keeping me in check,
(But the glass seems to fill faster each time I reach over).
My view has gotten to hazy to remember why I wanted to stop,
And the list continues to grow, as does my need to drown at the bottom.
Let these problems find me in the morning light,
When my head is pounding and my mind remembers the worst of it,
But for now, cheers all around, because ignorance is bliss and I plan to drink until I can
remember is how the world looked through the rose shards.

Across the Universe

*Wanted to give a special thanks to Braeden for this collaboration piece! Enjoy 🙂

Once upon a time,
I used to wish for a love like ours,
Once upon a time
I pondered that very phrase.
I sat under those bright stars beside you
and saw the words “forever” ring in my ears.
Or at least a love that the stars would forever engrave in themselves,
To be look upon with awe and wonder,

Questions of how did they over come the odds and make it to that kind of happiness,
A love worthy of songs and fairy tales and beauty,
As we gazed into each other’s eyes
I wanted to see a glimpse of happiness.
In my heart I could feel the world stop
but darling in my mind our lives continued. 

But I’m starting to find that once upon a time only begin once,
The moment had scratches and it was no longer clear to me.
The only clarity I saw was that we should no longer stare in the fairy tale and stare into reality.
And everything that falls in between is up to chance.
Love is just not a word in a song, card, or in a poem.
Love isn’t just displayed in a movie scene or a play.
Love requires action, consistency, and a splash of romance.

So darling, I could be your perfect once upon a disaster,
Tangles in the highest tower laced with thorns and roses, tasted in the last bite of the poisoned apple,
Or….or we can work to create a new fairy tale.
Once I threw our written fairy tale in the trash can I grabbed a note pad.
I wrote 10  reasons why I am madly in love with you.
I wrote 10 reasons why I want to be with you.
I tore this sheet out of the notepad and placed it on the refrigerator. 

Let the old stars die, fall with the hearts of those before us,
I don’t need a fairy tale nor a “Once Upon A Time” beginning.
Sweetheart, my love, I just need to be open, expressive, intuitive, caring, and considerate.
And lets give birth to a new galaxy full of stars that will shine and dazzle those who look up and wish a forever on once upon a time….
If I truly love you, every day that word “forever” will truly mean something.
Forever starts with my attitude, outlook, and the desire to show you how much you mean to me.