he used to tell me he loved me…

He used to tell me he loved everything about me,
Used to tell me I was the one made to please him,
Give him the future he deserved to have,
Under a microscope of pressure and hatred out of his own control,
(Because that would mean he was cable of more than that,
And my heart can’t heal knowing he was capable of loving things but me).

He used to shower me with an odd type of affection,
Left me drowning in it,
Never able to surface without his help, and his love,
Not truly loving behind prying eyes,
But just enough for those eyes to be fooled,
Seeing something they thought they saw.
And perhaps this needed to be said,
Needed to be felt so I could learn what love is and isn’t,
But I wish life didn’t have to prove us wrong is some many hurtful ways for us to get the
message,
Because then my heart wouldn’t have to bend and break so many times
Until I can’t recognize it,
Its cracks and missing pieces making up a shadow,
Hollow in its form but I still carry the weight as though it were with me now.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lonely, trust in how my heart never clung to yours,
It’s okay to need the space and let myself be alone,
Because it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak and scars,
Or at least teach me the way love should and shouldn’t be,
So maybe, just maybe I should thank him.
Because he used to tell me he loved me, possessive and lovely and capable of a lot more
hurt and nurture,
But he taught me to grow, to accept the things I can’t change,
To look for the ones I can,
And never let the heart be fool by pretty words and blind affection.

damn heartbreaking

It’s damn heartbreaking,
So fucking tragic,
I’ll cry myself enough to drown,
And it still would never change you mind,
So stubborn, so proud,
I hope your ego keeps you warm at night,
For that will be the only thing to stay,
Because I can’t keep begging,
Wishing you could change, could see the hurt,
Wish you could be anything other than who I see before me,
Because this, this isn’t worth the heart ache,
The way I split myself in two,
My heart scattered into pieces, too jagged to piece back together,
And I let you break me,
And it hurts so damn much to say that,
Because I thought you were the one,
But it seems the only thing I was sure of is just how much you would affect me,
Change me, your mark will forever be on the fragments of my heart.

bathroom tiles

The light reflects off the bathroom tiles,
Littering the walls, the floors,
With fragmented moments, thoughts scattered and I can’t feel the cold anymore,
It’s too dark wherever I turn,
So I stare at those small reflections,
Hoping they would make sense of what just happened,
Can it make sense?
Do we ever come back from this
….can I ever come back from that?
Saying those words, the hurt and trauma laced in the fear I flashed back to,
But, that’s done, over with, but the fact that I still glimpse them in those overwhelming
moments,
Perhaps that still takes over me, when wish it didn’t, when I thought I was better,
The lights are as dull now as my emotions,
Coming down from the high,
I can’t even form an expression, feel anything,
But I still remain on the floor,
Tracing the tiles, too ashamed to stagger to my feet,
To embarrassed to face you like this,
We have so much left to say,
But I can’t seem to find the words anymore,
And the bathroom tiles remain silent,
As the light flickers and seems to point back to you…

drunk again (excuses)

I’m drunk again,
Saying whatever I want,
Or just using that as an excuse,
You know me better than that by know,
But I can’t help it,
That red poison gives my mind such freedom,
No more restrictions,
No more second-guessing,
I say everything and anything,
Only caring after the fatal words have left my mouth…
I got that feeling,
It’s buzzed, lacing my tongue with poison,
Spitting out venom as soon as you put me on the defensive,
And I can’t care,
Can’t admit I’ve taken things too far,
Because I’m too far-gone; that’s my logic.
And lashing out,
Using it as an excuse to say what’s really bothering me.

locked behind my back

Locked behind my back,
You laugh and smile,

You’ve won, you think,
Gotten your way,

Because you look down on me, broken and desolate,
Lying in the dirt, covered by the attempts of your redemption,
And you relish in the marvel of a hollow victory.

My turn, and I never hold back,
Petty and proud and vain,
I come at you while you’re weak and recovering,
Broken, but still high off the sight of the gravel falling from my clothes

But,
The world had no place for the victims of their own choices.
We both know this is immature, childish and littered in filth,
But we both stepped up to play the same deluded game,

So this round is all on you,
And try to make sure you’re fatal blow sticks this time.

keeping tabs

God, I wish I didn’t give you so much power over me,
I wish I could shake you off,
Act like you didn’t bother me,
But Jesus, every fucking thing you do pisses me off,
And it doesn’t help that you still manage to find your way into my life,
You have no business being here,
But your icon always makes itself known when I least need or want,
And you apparently can’t leave me alone either,
Tell me,
Why do we play this game of keeping tabs,
I had my reasons,
You were still involved in ways you didn’t need to be,
And I know you were ignoring the signs because, why do anything out of decency,
Yet, I don’t know the reasons you keep tabs,
I have nothing to do with your newfound life, or anyone in it,
But you have this sick need to make sure I know you still look in from time to time,
Know it gets it to me because there isn’t anything I can do,
But, I think your power is losing its hold over me,
Because I find I don’t care to know what you’re up to now,
And that makes you madder than you’ll ever admit online,
And sadly that makes me ecstatic,
So until one of us find no more use in this game,
Balls in your court darling, but make sure to be a little sneakier this time

greedy (for your poison)

It’s crazy, the way I miss you when you aren’t there,
When I’m the reason you aren’t here,
But I guess that what it means to love the toxicity
We create it together,
What a beautiful tragedy,
But keep feeding me that poison,
And I promise to drink it greedily,
It only makes me miss you more when you aren’t here.

justify (in the name of love)

What’s it like to know the you let the one get away,
How do you justify everything, knowing I was it?
What do you tell people, I wonder?
I was crazy…I was insane, and just not you’re type,
Do you tell those closest to you the real reasons you fucked up?
Or do you pretend we didn’t fit into your fantasy of forever after.
I do, I pretend you were my ideal person,
I justified everything wrong you did, in the name of love,
Because I thought I was the one,
Dumb, stupid and I know, wrong place wrong time clearly,
But you let me fade away in the wind,
A piece of lint flicked off your shoulder,
The drops of water the rain leaves on your windshield,
Cast away caused the cloud in your vision,
And maybe that was it,
Maybe I was bad for you that you had to clear me out of your system,
But there I go again,
Justifying you in the name of love.

unholy fires

She has nothing to do with me;
Yet, I make it a point to find comparisons
Ways that I can weave a similarity out of silver thread,
And make a whole story as to why you think this way,
As to why I think this way,
Because we know I’m the problem,
My creative mind and her insecurities,
She has a hold on me the way no one ever will,
Don’t get me wrong,
You’re no saint in this unholy union,
And your sins could drag me down just as fast,
But my fires have a way of engulfing the whole of us
And leaving the remains in its ashes,
Not even strong enough for the embers to find a rekindle,
And that scares me,
Because I can always find a root to this burn out,
She,
She had the power to ignite us, and smother indefinitely,
And that shouldn’t be, she shouldn’t be a sun on our good days,
Nor the clouds on our bad,
I give her power, because she holds it over me,
But she shouldn’t over us,
And I have problems separating the two,
Comparisons and confidences be damned,
I can’t stop; it’s too much for the fragile heart of mine,
So I let the fires engulf what remains our future, our hopes, trust and love,
And then have the nerve to question if you ever loved me as strongly as the fires that destroyed us.

singing praises

Why sing praises,
When I can never think of any,
Nothing good at least,
Am I supposed to come clean?
Scrub myself, to the bone, to remove your trace on me,
Express myself in ways that make me raw and like you.
Because I can’t find any trace of you,
And for that I’m glad,
I can never sing your praises,
Because I never found anything worth my voice,
Worth my words, worth the feelings you find in other dedications,
Saturated in sweetness and sour,
It never painted a pretty picture of us,
Perhaps it never could, we just weren’t meant to have hymns and sonnets,
Building like a sinking stone,
Resentment never looked good on anyone