shine

It’s hard to see you with your past,
This person isn’t the one I loved,
Who you were with her is painful to watch,
So subdued, so submissive to malicious intent,
Only a shell,
And it only makes it harder, to know that.
Eager to fulfill everyone’s happiness but your own,
It’s sad, hard to watch,
I looked away for a long time
Blinders on when it came to you,
Until I couldn’t be blinded by you any longer,
So in need of, something, anything,
A saving grace, a prayer sent up to deaf ears,
Anything to pull to for the toxic life you settled for,
So hard now, to look back and remember how you were,
Who you were with had molded,
But now, in my hands,
Molded into the person I love,
The one who chose happiness, your own
It’s hard to look at you,
And not be blinded by how you shine.

prince charming

You wanted a Prince,
Someone to sweep you off your feet,
To pull you up from the messes you made from the hearts you’d broke,
And tell you everything will be okay,Because someone would take it from there.
You wanted someone to clean you up,
Make you a better version of yourself that you had dreamed of,
(Because you didn’t have the discipline or the strength to create her yourself)
So you wished on every shooting star,
Dug you fingers into the Earth for that one four leaved clover,
And prayed, to anyone willing to listen to the broke pleas,
Hoping you’d be given what you desperately wanted.

What was sent your way…
Wasn’t at all what you thought,

Instead you got nothing but the arrogance of a prince,
Entitlement that made your heart cringe and your lips bruise,
Tears that blinded you to everything that was so, so wrong with it,
Yet you still let it happen.
Let them into your heart, your body,
Expecting the next to heal the wounds from the last,
So surprised, dumbfounded as to how you’d come out worse than before,
(But tell ‘em, who are you kidding?)
(You knew what was best for you, fuck everything, and everyone else)
And you stand strong against the current,
The waves of endless abuse and perverse love,
Because you know this is part of it all,
Even when it doesn’t feel like it,
Love is there. Just look harder.

You wished and prayed,
Yet here you are,
Heart broken too many times to count,
And nothing to show for it,
You got princes, Kings even,
Whose head was too big for their crown,
Whose kingdom saw what you were to blind to,
And here you are,
A Queen with scars and a broken heart, rising to meet her King one last time,
Facing him head on and ready to fight for what she deserves…
Many a noble have laid their lives on the line in the battle of love,
Good luck my Queen,And may you find that thing you sought for, for so long…
After all, isn’t this what you wished for?

write about you (over and over)

Are your words tired?

Of writing about me so constantly,
I miss you, in the flesh and in my mind,
But I seem to be rewriting you all the time
Can’t get you outta my head no matter how many ways I phrase you,
But you still seem to love the spotlight.

Is there any middle ground we can meet in?
Where I can express what I need,
Without overpowering my heart,
And where you can soak up the words for their meaning,
Rather than the exposure they give you…

What a pair we had made,
Would have been, could have been,
All that should have been falling between the lines,
All spoken in past tense,
Like we no longer dwell on each other
Or the lives we created without the other…

As though our chapters are closed and unable to be edited,

Are our words tired, or are they simply resting,

Waiting for the chapters to finish completely and move onto the next?
I can’t keep rewriting this story;
God knows we have to find a different outcome,
Eventually,

Because this is suffocating me,

The pages are bleeding into the same story again and again and again,
Doomed to repeat until only we are the only ones left reading them.

And we both know we are only as big as our audience,

Have your words grown tired of me?

Because mine haven’t,
And it’s the worst pattern I find myself doomed to repeat,

As I write you over and over and over…

ignites

I’m glad to know I still hold weight in your thoughts
Like my opinion matters,
But we both know it doesn’t
I haven’t been apart of your life in so long,
And I can’t remember what it was like when you were in then picture,
But here we are, still thinking leftover thoughts,
And we can’t seem to let each other go,
It makes me…I don’t know,

I can’t say anymore, because it doesn’t affect me,
But it does, and I can’t name this feeling I hate to crave.
I still see your name and something ignites in me,
And it makes me petty and ashamed that I still have an effect on you too,
Yet, it burns something more in me, a fire that never died,
Fuels me, needing to release that fire before it burns its way through me,
And I need it, I need to be consumed and erupt and then exhausted,
I need it all,
I’m glad these thoughts weight heavy on the fires that burn their way through us,
Because who else would we be without the flames to consume us?

graves we dig

Why do you still haunt me,
I buried you, dug the grave myself as I let myself fall apart,
Covered you in dirt and salt to rid you of the lies that seemed to rise from the dead,
And yet still, here you are,
A keepsake in my memory,
Like you were waiting for me to remember that I would miss you,
Miss what you represented, the thrill you gave, the danger,

And then your ghost appeared,
Summoned by my weak will and masochistic heart,
Or mind,

And you’re ready to wreck havoc on this fragility,

But I haven’t been left helpless,
I learned, I thought I did, when I walked away from you,
How to dig my way out of the dirt,
To use you in the worst ways, to justify the excuses I learned.
You created a monster,
And I only see her when I find myself staring back at the shadow I cast,
Captured in the reflection of me.

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…

haunting me (and you)

Do you think of me anymore?
Do I still haunt your thoughts; keep you questioning your worth?
I’ll admit, you’re still here, doing the very same,
And I can’t understand why,
I mean I know, I know I let you have this small power over me,
But I can no longer remember why,
Not when you have lost your power, over so much time,
And so much assurance,
Still I find myself falling back into your wicked schemes when I need an enemy,
To justify my own demons,
To explain yours…I can’t remember whose came first,

Who’s started the war without our own insecurities,
Should I be proud I still haunt yours the way you do mine?
Or is it just a testimony to how much more we need to grow…
Up, apart, or simply flat line,
Anything to get us out of this cycle,
Is there a way out?
Because I would love to know, even if you’re the only one with an answer,
I’ll gladly take it…anything to spare myself of this doomed cycle…

is this what it means to be a coward?

It’s lazy, like I forget that I should be concerned about something right now,

But I just roll my shoulders,
Smile and don’t let my mind linger on one thought too long,

I can’t be responsible for what it strays to,

I can’t control her,
Though I pretend I can, pretend I care,
Tied down and yet able to cut the bides that tie me as easily as they ensnare me,

Is that what it means to be a coward?

To always have an escape in case things got messy,
In case you got messy…?

Ready to run when feelings get to deep, the emotions run to high they can’t be contained in a single instance,

And I can’t reason with them.

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

to see forever

You told me we would see forever,
Under the stars and the moon,
As timeless as they were,

A fool, I was, to believe that we could ever amount to the stars,
I suppose the stars in my eyes blinded me from seeing what you truly meant,

That there was only magic in your words, but no meaning behind them,
But I’ll still blame the darkness for not being able to see you as you were,

And I was a fool all the same.