to know that it means to love without you…

I had to learn the hard way what it meant to love without you,

believe me, it sucked.

It was raw and painful and it attacked everything I was so ready to cling to in the absence of you,
Made my reality without you all the more vulnerable and full of hurt.
Because letting you go was admitting you never wanting to stay,

And I know you wanted to,
This meant something to you,

It had to,

Right…please tell me it did,

Fuck, I can’t handle it if it didn’t.

How does someone do that?

Pour their heart out and then act like it never happened…
or maybe I was deluded into thinking your heart had any part to play,
But…I can’t help but to wish I never knew the answer

It shattered me,

Torn me into tiny pieces for the next soul who would try to paint love onto the cracks embedded in my heart,

I wish you hadn’t been the one to teach me what it meant to love,
Because then at least my heart would have had a fighting chance,

But now, she’s a mess, torn to the seams and left to catch the wind,
In hopes it would take her far, far away from the love she knew and into the arms of an evil she could fight,
That way she could mend, hardened and earn that bitterness,
To ever feel again.

til the death of it does its part….

I helped you turn your life around,
Gained the trust and addiction all in one captivating grip,

Took it in as my own, and held on tight as it rocked us,
Back and forth, through hell and back,

With the burns and scars to prove it,

And still,

You still question my love for you,
Have the goddamn nerve to call me out on the reasons behind my help, my devotion,

And I can’t….
I can’t do this for much longer,

The lies, the insults and the demeaning nature you seem to quick to fall back into,

(so quick to cling to whenever we seem to find the silver lining)

Maybe because I was so eager,
So ready to be the savior to someone other than my own sanity,
I couldn’t see that I wasn’t…I’m not enough,

And there shouldn’t be any shame in that
But fuck, god, there is so, so much of it,
 it consumes me as to why I wasn’t enough for you,

It’s all I can think about, after it’s all said and done,
And I know it will haunt me from now until the day I die, long after we have been buried and gone…

to be 18 and in love

I haven’t thought about you in so long,
Not since my heart was 18 and so pure in love
Young and innocent, eager to feel everything
But, even after all this time, it seems my heart remembers you,
Little things only, because too much time has past for us to have every amounted to anything,
But such a power those little things hold still,
And I wish love were as simply as it was when we were 18,
It gave me hope and joy, and…something I’ve lost in my wisdom and age,
And perhaps that is why I remember you so fondly now,
Seeking a happier, a cherished time when the world made more sense,
Where love was what was given and earned,
Not taken and manipulated,
Oh, to be young and dumb and in love…

spoken words (I’m drunk)

I’m drunk, I have to be,
Because the honesty sits on my tongue like its ready to spill out

I’m ready to scream it,

If only to show to that I feel it so strongly,
I feel what we hide, what we shyly coy away from yet can’t resist,

And we become trapped in the never-ending cycle of taboo and thrill,
Longing to be connected.

I swear my intention for the night started off well,

Good even, but they seem to have a mind of their own,
Those damn intentions,

Willing to bend and mold to whatever will get them further to you,

But darling they will never break, because that would mean I would have to face the reality of the weapon you created.

Heart cold thought her ice creates fragility at the same time,
She craves intimacy and longs to destroy the need,

I must be drunk.

You’ve poisoned me, I would never say these things aloud,

Or have I fought you far to long that I’ve grown weary

Letting these thoughts become words that once spoken aloud cannot be unsaid,
And they would start the a new cycle we would never be able t escape from.

a song for you

Why do I still sing about you,
Let my words always find you in the lost notes,
The lost cords and keys that compose anything other that the thoughts of you,
Or will you forever live in me,
As a part of me that I can never be free of,

I’m not sure how to feel about that,

Does it give me satisfaction, to know that I have a purpose, always and forever in the form of you,
Or should I let the shame wash over me,
because you were the one thing I could never get past, and that alone is shameful,
Because the song never moves on, never hears another melody other than the one you’ve imprinted in my soul,

And here I am…

Doomed to keep you on repeat until my scars have mended and my heart healed…
And still, the softness of you, the delicate grace of you touches me in ways I will never allow another,
My keys glide towards familiar notes, strung out in your harmonies and love,

Love…

Is that still a word I am able to use with you?

Because I think I will never know a love than the one I knew when I sang for you, about you,
The words came for bittersweet and flowed beautifully off this broken heart,
Still searching for you,
And hoping one day, my words, and these desperate cords will reach you…

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

young and dumb, moth drawn to the flame

Do I make you proud,

When I make you look good in the eyes of the world?

Does it help erase the sins you commit,
Because you’re able to paint a different picture in the eyes of your accusers,

When I play the part you need?

Do you think we don’t know the story you play out in this twisted fantasy
Twisted reality we cannot deny,

Do you know we all cam to play the parts assigned?

All to help you play pretend jut a little while longer,
Because what are we if not all fools for the same cause,
Moths drawn to their death flame and loving every minute of it.

I was so young when I saw the truth,

A covered glance and dusty texts of desperate measures,
Thank you for airing out these grievances, when everyone but you brought them to light,
Then, locking them in the doubt of darkness for as long as I sought answers.

I thought myself a fool, the only one left, who saw something more in you,

But I was the best at fooling myself,
Because I knew there was no hope, no more reasons why to help save you from this fate,

And I can’t even be mad at it,

Do I still make you proud?

For rebelling against your lies and darkness,
And forming my own path, bursting in the light and golden bricks of the road paved…
All down the yellow brick road,
We’ll find the truth somewhere in the land of fantasy…

hazy in….

Hazy filled thoughts,

Remind me why we aren’t meant to act on them?
Because I can’t seem to care at this moment,

All I can think about is you
And everything that comes with being yours
The way your hands must feel on such sensitive skin,
What elicited cries you’ll bring from my throat,
I blush just thinking about it

I can’t stop my wandering eyes, or my wandering hands,
As they drift lower and lower,
Finding that spot that makes me sing the croons the sweetest of sins,
My body knows what she wants,
And she drips at the thought of your hands claiming what belongs to them,
Eager for that release only you can give,

Relapse; repeat, again,
I’ve fallen into this habit of you,

Dazed, so out of touch with the reality I present,
Can you bring me to the edge and be the very same who pushes me over,
Or must I find that release somewhere else,

In the hazy thoughts that are clouded by you and you alone…
My eyes and hands have begun to wander again.
You can’t hold be accountable for that comes next…

candle in the wind

Goddamn you’re so close,
I can touch you; graze the tips of my fingers against your cheek,
But I can never grasp you in your entirety
And it kills me, to know the perfect soul for mine is found,
Yet so far from my reach,
What does this mean?
Is this my own personal hell I created—
To long for the one I can never have, never touch,
What kind of life is this supposed to be?

Am I meant to write sad love songs to your heart,
Hoping you’ll take pity upon my feverish gaze and look back at me
Or were we meant to be the fire that ignites our souls
Sets a flame to a love so pure it burns us blind in love,
And as quick as we burn, we fade into smoke and ash…

I hate that I can’t figure it out,
Can’t figure you out,
I’d be a fool to not fall in love with you,
Or a fool all the same to fall,
But I can’t imagine my heart could be anything better than with you in her.
And now all I’m left with is the candle I hold to your lips,
I’ll hold onto the flame
And pray you don’t blow it out.

the gotcha fool

Dance around me,
those eyes drawing me in,
The heat growing between us,
And we have yet to lay a hand on each other,
What could this be if not love,
…or lust, or passion of whatever I need to say to get you in my arms now,

I’ll say anything, you know you have that power over me,
My arousal spiked and my thoughts focused on you,
You must have drugged me,
Intoxicated me with more than just your charm
I’ve never felt this strongly about anything,
And although your tempting,
I can’t believe my heart would be ensnared so deeply by the looks of you alone,
yet, I feel like I know your soul

And that has to mean something,
To feel you so stronger and not know you at all, God what a wonder, to know what love is
And yet, not be able to describe it….
I (hope) think this is what that is, for us,
At least, we can still find out and explore….