Missing a You I Never Knew

You and I met too soon in this life to be anything but distant tale,
Lost among the battles and trials of a forgotten war.
Our story had been recorded times and times before,
Each ending slightly different and each battle fought for different reasons,
But every outcome was that of a love lost, heart broken, a better half vanished.

I miss the way we used to talk,
Hours and hours of meaningless conversation,
Unburdened by the feelings and chaos of a worrisome heart.
I miss the way you would talk to only me,
About things that never seemed important but were so much more,
When we were blinded by our innocence and a fascination of this rediscovered feeling.
I miss the smile that only I would see, missing you, who I would never know.
I miss the easy comfort I found in your presence,
Never worrying for too long about thing I couldn’t control, and I miss
The gestures and feelings I only entertained for you.

We had conquered this empire once before, maybe in another life,
But the times have changed and the battles have grown deadlier.
And for all our skills and armor and tactics,
We fell victim yet again to the surprises of guerilla warfare.
Our kings have been moved far too many times along this chess board,
Our chiefs could not have seen this coming, nor could our best warriors,
So all we have left are the fallen that refused to succumb to the battlefield,
And the few lucky that escaped deaths scythe.
But still, we continue to fight against a foe that will never give,
And both sides have grown ragged and tired from a constant front.

I miss the feelings we once shared,
The little things that faded until they were all but gone,
Have we gotten what we deserved? The rejection of a bond neglected for so long?
My heart wishes there could be more than what the map has laid out for us,
But the terrain is unpredictable and rough, fingers linked, but barely clasped,
So only skilled warriors chance everything to cross it,
But by the time they battle their way through, it has changed once again,
Leaving behind the brave souls that dared to take a chance.

This Run Down Bar

Listen to the words I sing into the mic, sensual and desperate,
Feeling good and different, knowing it can’t be the alcohol warming your veins.
These words, they will capture you in a trance, letting you sway,
But don’t sway too far to one side,
Because than you will no longer be able to feel what I do.

Love is but a background noise, in this run down little bar,
First you are not sure what you hear,
Words mumbled and lyrics sung on a key to low to be heard the first time.
Then, you are curious, ears perked as you strain to listen,
Not knowing that once you’ve heard her the siren song,
You would never be able to go without.

It’s not like the relationships you watch through rose-colored lens,
Scripted and written with just enough tragedies to be romantic.
But I still crave the feeling I’ve never been able to define.

The chaos in the beauty of this thing called love was always hard to hear,
Few could ever amount to something as timeless and composed,
But, now, she has become an all-consuming thing,
Every thought, every action and everything is because of her,
And you struggle to find who you are without her,
(But you adore what she has turned you into,
Smart mouth and ever feeling and emotional to a fault).
So let’s stop thinking about the timing of it all.
And just know that we made the best out of what little time we had.

Relapsed Addiction

There is nothing like a taboo waiting for you in your bedroom.
So keep my head down and bend me over,
Make me slowly lose my sanity over and over again,
And for you I will cry and sing praises meant only for the Gods to hear.
Are you waiting for your little princess to open her mouth?
Down on her hands and knees, moaning and begging for you?
My body is spent as I wait for you to finish,
Shuttering and shaking from the aftershocks of pleasure
Oh I know you aren’t worthy of my love or affection,
But boy, I know your body as well as the pleasure of my own.
And you can only keep a good girl waiting for so long,
Before she moves on to bigger and… sturdier things.
So make my body crave yours so I cannot find release anywhere else,
{Though your temptation can only lead to relapsed addiction.}
Oh sweetie, the things I want to do to you,
While I have you on your back, hips rising to meet mine,
Caught in the sweat and chaos of a primal reaction.
But for those things I want will have to wait,
And I let you climb inside my body with a promise of a newfound self,
But for all your size and strength, I cannot seem to find that paradise, or release.
So I scratch and scream, twisting my body and heart to accommodate your sin,
(Boy, I think I liked you better as a stranger, with no attachments or questions)
Yet as soon as these thoughts race across my mind,
You move your hips and cock a little bit harder,
Hitting that spot that makes me see nothing but the blinding darkness,
And just like that I sink back into you,
Letting you have your way as you push my down, my ass bare for your eyes,
Your eyes linger along my hips and cunt without any shame,
Knowing that my body reacts to yours in ways that light the tiniest of embers,
And burns all else who try to claim it.

 

 

seeds of temptation

I entertain the thought of you,
And I feel like that makes me a bad person,
You shouldn’t be the one that makes me flutter,
And honestly, you have no hold over me,
But, maybe, it’s your idea, what you could mean,
Well, the idea of you that has me daydreaming,
Thinking of things differently, if you were the center of my focus,

But, I know that’s not right,
Not the one my heart bleeds for, sings for,
But my head, my thoughts drift towards you even when I don’t want them to,
And that makes me concerned,

Does that make me human, or a horrible person,
Or is it something we can’t even address,
A feeling with no name,
But so commonly felt,
That we all know the thing we think about as I write these words,
Humans with a taste for the temptation,
Now where have I heard that one before…?

crazy and bound to me.

On some nights I lie awake and wonder if you’re thinking of me,
For no other reason than to be vain,
I want you to still think of me,
Let your every thought be consumed by me,
Because that means this was worth it,
And that I thought the same way you did.
I can’t stand thinking this was all in vain,
Vanity and I go hand in hand,
She keeps me sane, and loving every bit of the insanity I crave,
I wonder,
Is the body keeping you warm at night as good as me?
Does she love you the insane way I do?
Because I know no one will ever compare,
To you or to me,
And I know you’ll never have another the way you had me,
Freely, fully and insanely…
Enough to keep you coming back again and again and again
Until it wasn’t,
And I’m lying awake,
Wondering why my insanity wasn’t enough to keep you,
Crazy and bound to me.

in chaos (theory)

Some days I wonder,
What’s the point,

Why fight, why yell insults back and forth,
Does it even matter any longer?
We’ve both felt this way for a long timeGoing back and forth on the promises we held dear so long ago,

I feel as though they don’t hold the same flame to our dying candle,
The devil I was drawn to,
The bad boy I feel in lust with,
A monster I could never learn to love,
Because he didn’t understand my definitions of love,
Or how they differed from his,

Give up,
This is all we can be, are meant to be,
Stop calling out to me in your desperation,
Because I can’t satisfy your cravings,
They’re too dark, too horrifying to express,
And I can’t be beholden to them anymore.
Some days I truly wonder,
Where did we think we were going,
Amongst the chaos and destruction…

Did we think we’d make it out alive?
Or unchanged,
Because we should have known better,
We always did,
Or at least used to…

i sway

I sway,

Singing the melody and lyrics out of tune,
But they speak to me,

And I can’t stop myself from feeling the moment,
The words caress me,
Trapping me in a time that reminds me too much of what I had,
What I lost,
What I wished I had still,

And there you are,
Lingering in the light,
So I can never see your face,
Hidden in the shadow of you,

I sway,

No longer seeing anything,
My blurred eyes and staggering moves leave many wondering,
I move, and hold you close,
In my thoughts,
Because I can never touch you for long,

Until the shadows swallow you and I’m left dancing with myself.

what is it to you?

It’s a jump-start,
A trigger, embracing the impact of a fatal run,
It’s like falling over and over again,
Smooth like the river you lead me to,
To swim in, to drown me,
Shock to the system, as the cold water rushed to my lungs,
And all that still didn’t send my running,
I fought the current,
I hugged the bullet closer to my heart,
As though it would consume me and reject the pain,
Pushing it far away from me,
And hating that it leaves,
Because what am I without it?
What do I do when you aren’t there?
It’s that vulnerable sense of invincibility,
Running away from the one thing that will never leave,
Over and over and over again.

those damn bad habits

Falling back into the same habits,
They remind me of you,
For better or worse,
Making those bad choices that bring me closer to you,
I miss you,
I’m lonely and I want you here,
Falling back into you is everything I wish to do,
I’m drunk; maybe I’m not spelling this out right,
Forget her; let me remind you of us,
And all the choices we used to make together,
For better or worse,
We always laughed as we fell,
Covered in bruises, my hands are scared from reaching for you,
Lost in your eyes,
I forget this isn’t where I’m meant to be,
Those damn habits.
They remind me of us,
Good, bad, and for better and worse,
Am I the only one who remembers those times…?

smile

Praise and kind words make me smile,
Cheeks slightly raised, lips never parted.
Anyone can form a compliment,
All it takes is the right words strung together,
But you always manage to make them sound so….
Like the universe never knew a soul like mine,
And you’ve just discovered me.
Shocked and amazed,
You act as though my words flow through your heart, your head,
And embrace every part of you,
Even the ones you hide from the world,
I know, I’ve hidden parts of me for a long time,
The ones I’m afraid to let other see,
Afraid to let myself believe,
But, the way your eyes light up when I read a new thought out loud,
Or let you discover a new piece of myself,
It makes me smile,
Truly smile,
Cheeks aching from grinning,
And my mouth laughs along with my soul,
For a soul like yours to have discovered mine…
Not everyone can be so lucky.