glass of chaos

The glass is too close,
Top it off, and it hangs off the edge,
What have you done to me?
I never used to cling to the bottle,
There was never a comfort in the liquid that burned my throat,
But when you crashed into me,
That changed,
Everything about you was chaos,
Beautiful and abrupt and wild and in love,
But you weren’t a constant,
Not yet anyway,
So I needed to find something, anything, to cling to in the chaos of you,
And the bottle, the glass of whatever I poured at the time,
That was it; it was there, helping me relax,
Helping me come to terms with my new reality of you,
And I’m not saying it was the best choice I’ve made,
But it was a natural one,
And that should scare me,
But… I can’t bring myself to be afraid,
Not of the poison that carries me through,
But that it keeps me immune from your chaos,
(until you become too much and I drink and drink and throw it all away
only to open another bottle as the sun fades in the sky and the stars call for me)
So top me off, I’ve grown used the edge by now,
And lets see how long I can hang off the edge until chaos explodes.

make me feel

I hate the way you make me feel,
Thought and feeling that have no business in this heart of mine,
For she is long since rejected your types,
The ones who seem to want make a lastingly impression
But have no intention of staying.

I hate the way you make me feel,
Tongue tied and butterflies,
Who are you to give me such unwanted temptation?
Desires and feelings that I wish I never felt when it came to you,
When there’s no intention of acting on them, what good are these thoughts to me?

I hate the way you make me feel,
Helpless without seeing you, knowing what’s going in your head,
Thinking of you when you’ve wandered too far from me,
Knowing that I will never be the same since meeting you,
And that terrifies me more than you’ll ever hear me admit.

I hate the way you make me feel,
Scared, so terrified that I can’t remember to breath because every emotion comes rush into my lungs with each new breath of you.
How helpless it is to cling to these thoughts and feelings that came out of nowhere
I hate the way you make me feel, but I’ve grown so used to it, crave it as much as my next breath, I just can’t seem to stop.

A Wine too Bitter

You’ll find me waiting in the shadows of the hotel bar,
Reminiscing memories that haven’t left my mind,
Burned with the ashes of what remains of the love I held for you.
You look like the promise of a ‘what if’ and the anxiousness of an unknown tomorrow,
Like the ember that lite when you first touched me.
You look as beautiful as the day I told you I loved you,
But we are far from the children we used to be and our eyes have lost their innocence.
So we talk like old friends, never straying far from reality.
And I wish you would whisper to me and kiss my lips,
If only to know I still held a false sense of power over your heart.
And it’s nice to believe we will never get older,
But life has a funny way of reminding us that we are far from immortal,
Gracing us with broken hearts and scars from those lovely memories,
Leaving us to reform the pieces into an already faded puzzle.

I know it breaks your heart to know I’ve fallen for my freedom,
Cutting ties with lost lovers and promises of a forsaken future,
No, we never had more than the nights of broken love made in your car,
And I never held onto you to find solace,
So you lash out with passionate delusions, and I answer with obvious indifference,
As I sip a wine too bitter on my tongue, I listen to our lies and embellishments.
Silently laughing at how unsophisticated we’ve become.
Our lips tinted with those promises of what ifs and anxious secrets.

So baby, it was nice to see you after so many years,
But life awaits us outside the doors of our enclosed booth,
And I hope the best for you and your new life,
(Though I think the wine had more influence over my words than my heart,)
I kiss your cheek as we prepare to leave each other once more.
Filled with a newfound sense of comfort,
I wonder into the street with a smile,
Never once glancing behind me to see your lingering eyes

Histoire D’amour

Baby give me everything, I need to feel nothing but your hands on me,
Call my needy, call me desperate; I can’t bring myself to care,
All I know is that I can’t seem to get enough of you.
Stay here a while longer, and I’ll ease you into this temptation,
Though finally grasping it makes the game all the more sinful.
You should know me better than that by now,
Any opening you give, any chance that I can move in on, I’m gonna take,
I’d rather desperately want you than not have you at all,
And that is our biggest downfall.
So let’s cling to each other and laugh and play as we tumble down into these sheets.

My face is hot from feelings that are no longer mine to hold,
The air coming from my lungs is as heavy as the weight of you,
And I struggle to catch my breath, but,
Your hips pressed against my back have left me breathless,
And all I gasp is the choked sound of pleasure and your name.
There is something so wicked about wanting what you can’t have,
And our flirtation is the biggest temptation of all,
Longing for the affection of the one you shouldn’t covet
But my heart is no better, wicked and unforgiving, cruel in her taboo games.
Waking up in your bed, I know I shouldn’t expect anything more,
But you always seem to surprise me, showering me with affection that is not mine,
The trailing kisses down my spine that always seems to take away the chill.

I’ve never been so comfortable with another soul as I am with yours,
And that scares the hell outta me.
So I need this lust to distract me from insights and damnation of my own making,
Because this love will never be mine to obtain, and these thoughts are only felt in the
darkest parts of my heart,
Where they will stay locked and hidden, it never needs to grace itself with thoughts
known. But feeling your skin on mine, your lips tracing my hips and thighs,
Make me forget that I can’t be yours,
Make me forget that it’s his name I should call, not yours, in the middle of our love affair.
I wish I could change the plot to this romantic tragedy,
I know this will only end in heartbreak, just as any other love affair should.
But dear god, the way you make me moan, the feeling of your hands roaming my body,
it’s something that this feeble heart won’t soon forget,
Along with these feelings that aren’t mine to hold, aren’t mine to crave

open…

What if we did this thing all in the open?
I knew the corners you snuck around,
You knew the shadows I hide in…
What if we knew who the other saw
Who we were spending the night with,
When I wasn’t with you, and you weren’t with me,
What if we came out into the daylight,
And admitted we were open to suggestion,
Not under the moon and her stars,
Because clearly we needed the help,
Needed the chance to claim we weren’t exclusive,
Weren’t everything the other needed,
And that hurts,
To not be everything you need, everything you want
But I know it’s bigger than me, maybe,
I can’t be sure anymore,
What if is such a dangerous game,
For me and you,
Should we take a chance, and hope to get lucky.
Or shall we play that what if game once more,
And hope we open up just enough to figure out where we lie in this mess…?

there’s a thrill in it

There’s a thrill in it,
The waiting, the idea of control that I have,
Knowing I have the power to change the outcome,
Or to run from it,
This thing we have, volatile and enticing and dangerous,
It could do more harm than good at this point,
But I control the direction in which we explode, or implode,
And the thrill in that is enough to keep my finger close to the trigger.
Do we have something so powerful…?
That it could be the end and beginning of who we were,
Or, is this thing just what we have,
Hollow, meant to be taken at face value and nothing more,
Nothing more than a mere fire cracker,
All spark and not fire,
Needing the explosion to show us all we are capable of,
I thought that we had it,
And maybe we do,
But these fires burn hotter than I envisioned,
And I cannot take the heat, all smoke and no passion,
So I let us burn long enough to kill whatever was there,
And take the thrill knowing the lighter was under my thumb as I watched
us burn.

that effect of you…

I don’t even feel the effect you have anymore,
So I take more, down and down,
I swallow hard, taking a shot of you,
A taste of what I need to give me that high,
Hoping I’ll feel something, anything, like the way you once gave,
What happened?
Why don’t you have that effect on me anymore?
I miss it; I need more of it,
If only because it takes all of you to make me feel anything now,
So much, too much, I’m an addict,
But even you can’t control this side of me,
Not when you’ve lost your hold on me,
Not when I look to another to make me feel the way you once did…
I wish I could be satisfied,
But I’m a greedy bitch,
Ready to swallow you whole,
If only to feel your high just for awhile….

proven

It’s more to prove it to you than me, I realize,
Because I can live with disappointing myself,
I’ve done it time and time again,
But you,
Something makes me pause.
Makes me wonder if your gaze would shift,
Emotions flicker over those steely eyes,
Closing and shutting me out as you see what I’ve done,
And me, the person I truly am,
I can’t even imagine it,
It makes me pause, stop, even now,
Because there is something about you that changes me,
For the better and even the worse,
But there is a change,
An idea, formed and taken life in you, in me,
And maybe this is what it means to truly love and be loved in return…

A perfect Night

I’m sorry that I can’t seem to love those things about you that you cling to,
The thoughts and actions you think make you who you are,
(I thought I knew they person you were, and who you let the world see),
But perhaps this wasn’t set it the stars,
Our destiny was only to enhance us for a something greater,
But it’s hard to see the bigger picture when tears cloud my eyes,
And the moon only illuminates the worst parts about us.
So forgive me for wanting something better than what we are.
Because this isn’t enough for me,
I know it can’t be enough for you,
Sorry for letting this go on further than it should,
But we both clung to a love that was only illuminated in the fleeting light of the moon.

cheap tricks and addictions

Cheap tricks and party favors used to get me through the night,
Wrapped up in another strangers arms,
The city that never sleeps kept my attention,
But that addiction was never with me when I woke in another’s bed,
Night after night, thrills faded and I took hits stronger than the last,
I needed the addiction to keep me up, to keep me strung along for a little more,
But that high only lasts so long,
And than you sauntered into my life,
Randomly, so unexpectedly and I hate it,
Hate that I wished you were with me the nights I explored those late nights,
Ventured into the dawn with new stories and surprising addictions to mirror the poor choices I used to make
Hate that I started to need you to keep me up longer,
Hate that you started to replace the addictions entirely…

Cheap trick and party favors are the things I clung to,
Kept me warm in the middle of the night with each new stranger my body wrapped around.
And it should have been enough; it was what I was used to,
And I hate you for changing that about me,
Hate that I looked forward to coming home to you in our bed,
That I want to be wrapped up in only you,
And the only party favors I wanted were your silly jokes and corny dance moves,
Your cheap tricks making me snort the tequila out of my nose,
Your laughter drowning out my complaints and bemoans,
And I hate that I find myself laughing along too.
A new addiction is forming,
And I hate that I’m helpless to stop it…