drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.

smile darling (can’t let the world know you’re mad)

Grin and bear it,
Put a smile to make that face pretty,
Sweet and docile,
It makes it easier to glance over you as they dismiss you,
How many times are we told to accept what we cannot change?
And never learn to change what is,
Too long I’ve let you dictate my words, my choices
My mannerisms,
But I can’t stay quiet anymore,
These thoughts have built and exploded from my lips,
The weight of them lifted off my chest,
I can’t stop—do I want to?
It’s so liberating to say what I feel, what I think,
And to know that nothing of you can control me any longer,
Because I removed the thoughts of you from my opinions,
Which means I no longer care what you think, in case you didn’t read between the lines,
I know it isn’t easy when thing aren’t going according to plan,
But no worries darling, I promise to make the easy for you to follow,
Grin, smile form ear to ear,
Bear the weight of all you’ve done under the guise of smile,
Because it’s so much easier to not let the world deal with your emotional turmoil sweetie,
Once you calm down I’m sure we can discuss why my words make you feel so many things, so much anger and conflicting
thoughts,
And I can’t wait to hear the calm logic and manly wisdom that comes from being bested by a woman you sought to keep beneath you.

stuck…

The words a stuck in my throat,
The ache in them making it harder to breath,
But still I can’t manage to utter them,

…because that gives them life,
And I’ll never be able to take them back once spoken.
I wish I were meaner, colder,
That I didn’t care what they would do to you.

And some words I let fly so freely I’m amazed I have no shame in saying them,
And then there are these words, that I let sit on my tongue,
Let the taste of them sit in my mouth and weigh their consequences,

…how do we know the difference between them…
This time the words don’t come,
They know before I do that their damage is irreversible,
And in my anger I don’t care,
I want to scream them.
Let you know the hurt and sadness you caused in my heart,

But…
Nothing comes out,
Nothing my the sorrowful sigh and the tears,

And I choke on them,
The emotion, the worry and anger.

I let them stay,
Drink them down with something bitter and soothing,
And wait to deal with you, them, when I can swallow freely.

All I was—was you.

All I was—was you.
Consumed in everything of you,
Everything that made me who I thought I needed to be,
You defined every part of me, from the morning realizations to the evening pleas
I couldn’t think without you invading…
Some day, I hope to breath without you,
Some day, I wish to be able to hold onto the love I gave myself when you hadn’t existed,
Wherever, whenever that may be, no matter how deeply buried,
To remind myself there was more to life than the feeling you beat from me,
I hope to feel that once again, the love, the happiness, the joy of a new possibility,
Without you,
Is that wrong…?
Am I allowed to question anything that doesn’t agree,
Because you lead me to think it didn’t exist outside of you,
I know that isn’t true, but my heart couldn’t imagine the world with you,
That I was nothing until you found me,
I found love, I know I did,
But it as not the love I sought, not the love that I hoped for,
But what did I know?
I was innocent, eager to please and to grant you assurance,
That I let myself fall in love with the sinner I was warned about,
Never learning to question until experience cast me in its dark embrace,
So consumed and so jaded,
I learned about you, with you and all of you,
And now
I find myself alone with nothing but the thoughts of what I could have done better for you,
Invading and conquering,
One day I won’t think about you, at all,
And that’s the thought that leads me deeper into excusing you.

When She Kisses You I Hope You See Stars

She shines like the sun, bright and beautiful, but deadly to look to closely to,
Glowing in the dim lighting, as fragile as the problems of the world,
Waiting to be exploited and mocked for a false sense of gain.
Yet you are drawn to her out of a familiarity I can’t grasp,
With a need I cannot begin to understand.
They say the hearts of young lovers are yet to be understood,
That poets and artists cannot capture the beauty of something so unearthly.
But all they need is to look at her, and they will understand the unnatural appeal.
She is a beauty I can never hope to be,
And I sink into the shadows because my shine cannot compare.
I want a love that is able to move mountains and shatter hearts,
But love is too much of a bitch to ever intentionally cause that kind of damage,
And she will spite me in name alone, just to prove a point.
Yet your sun shines brighter, unexpected and envious,
Because as much as I wish to capture your attention like she,
I can only hold an ember to the wildfire she has started.
So when she kisses you, I hope you see stars, because you deserve nothing less,
And I hope the fates gather around to grant your every wish
Because a sun that shines brighter and more beautiful than I,
Deserves stars that galaxies revolve around, waiting to give their all.

stardust and sinners

There was a time when I believed good had always outweighed the bad,
Where love would find a way and prayers were answered by a power beyond me,
But then I met you, a fallen angel among the crude masses of man,
And I began to believe in new religion all together.

Magnified in the confides of angels and demons,
Humans have always had a way of exploiting the gift of free will.
Made in the image of an angel with minds demonic and sinful,
Man struts across the Earth, leaving in his trail, lies and the damage of the corrupt.
Beautiful disasters set to destroy the Earth and her love.

So despite the danger it meant to a good girl too far gone
My heart was smitten with the likes of you.
And I can only watch helplessly as she falls for your ruthless charm and sex,
All the while begging on my knee for more of your delusional love.

Let us fall into each other without a care for anyone else,
A demon and a girl who knows not what she is capable of.
Take me far from this place and her soon to be ancient ruins,
And as we sit on clouds floating above,
Lets watch the world collapse into itself, straying far from what she used to be.

Trapped in the desire and greed of man and all his destruction,
The world is wrapped in façade and chaos.
But darling, you have always been the focus of my universe,
However deranged that seems. So let the world fall, and we’ll dance on her ashes
Collecting stardust and starlight to create a world meant for sinners like us.

drown in me

Jump in, the water is fine,
Don’t be nervous, I want this as much as you do,
The way your body moves,
Taking its time to crawl over to mine,
Over mine, ready to express that primal love I so desperately crave,
Jump in with me,
Give in,
I know you’re dying to,
I want, no need, you to give it up,
Let go, give over the control of the river,
Let it flow over you, consume you in every aspect,
The nerves, your every sense clouded by me,
God how I want to be your everything,
The thing to desperately need, the sex that has you seeing stars,
The thing that motivates you, the one thing that makes you hot and chaotic,
I crave that feeling from you,
Fall into my bed, fall into me, in between my legs,
Moan for me; sing for me in the sweetest of melodies,
Let my tongue guide you, lower and lower, the pressure is building higher,
My body response so well,
Jump in darling, the water is heating up the more we drag this out,

Give in to me,
Twisting yourself around my current
It’s okay to go with the flow darling,
I promise my ripe tide won’t tear you apart,
Well, only enough to drag you under, to let you drown in me.

i miss it…

I miss it,
The way my thoughts spilled so openly,
Proud and shy, they resonated with those of like minds
And brought friends and strangers alike together,
Under the thought of knowing my wayward thinking,
But what they don’t know,
Was that I broke myself in half to find the words,
Cut into my heart, raw and bloody,
To grasp the meaning of the feelings I could never name aloud,
And it left me with scars I could never proudly bear the way I would if they had been molded into words,

I miss it,
The digging up of my own graves,
Of the feelings I thought I buried long ago,
No cobwebs found on the tombstone,
And the dirt around was fresh as a daisy,
A taken care of past that wasn’t meant to bleed into my life,
Because I swore I was over it,
But it seemed it was the only thing my pen remembered how to write,
Piece after piece, until the ink stained my pages,
Each line eerily similar to the others,
Anything but confronting the monsters lurking in my shadow,
Because those wounds never closed properly,
And I can still be caught licking the blood off my scars,
The same ones I wished never left their mark.

And here I am,
Writing about my past, and how it affects my present,
And no doubt will bleed into my future,
I wish I could say I missed it,
(But I know I’m lying when I say it isn’t far from my reach, the ink still eager to stain my fingers and pages)
And it still breaks my heart to reach that deeply into the mended heart,
Tapped and stitched together with twine,
But I use it because it breaks so easily when I need to rip the wound open again,
To capture the feeling that is raw and real and felt by so many like me
Carried by their scars, those self inflicted and given by those we thought would never hurt us,
So eager to have our stories heard anywhere but the pages of our skin…

all in a word

Isn’t it funny how a small group of text,
Random letters put in seemingly random order,
Can make you feel so, so much?
It can make you sad,
Tears lingering, or bursting through,
Those from anger are the worst,
They fall freely despite your attempts to hold them back,
And the words that entice them are bittersweet, dry and hollow on your
tongue,
Falling short of the very meanings that burned the back of your throat,
But, these texts, theses seemingly foreign letters,
They come together and form beautiful words,
Love, peace, beauty,
And then, in the same sentence,
Hate, anger, disgust,
They call to you,
Not the words, but the feelings they evoke,
And you’re left to decide how to react,
That’s the tricky part,
The feelings of the words,
Because, sticks and stones my friends,
But words; are the wound you never feel until it’s too late.

Beautifully Bruised

You beautiful broken thing,
Nothing in life remains unscarred,
Proof of existence, proof of life,
You are beautiful, broken, bent and berated,
You’ve fallen down so many times its amazing your feet still hold you up.
That’s the beauty of it all,
As broken and hurt, mangled and torn,
You rise,
Again and again and again,
Until the day comes when you fall,
And you realize it’s only a few inches from where you were standing,
Rise again and again,
You stand taller, rise from your falls,
Because you are a beautiful broken thing.