spoken words (I’m drunk)

I’m drunk, I have to be,
Because the honesty sits on my tongue like its ready to spill out

I’m ready to scream it,

If only to show to that I feel it so strongly,
I feel what we hide, what we shyly coy away from yet can’t resist,

And we become trapped in the never-ending cycle of taboo and thrill,
Longing to be connected.

I swear my intention for the night started off well,

Good even, but they seem to have a mind of their own,
Those damn intentions,

Willing to bend and mold to whatever will get them further to you,

But darling they will never break, because that would mean I would have to face the reality of the weapon you created.

Heart cold thought her ice creates fragility at the same time,
She craves intimacy and longs to destroy the need,

I must be drunk.

You’ve poisoned me, I would never say these things aloud,

Or have I fought you far to long that I’ve grown weary

Letting these thoughts become words that once spoken aloud cannot be unsaid,
And they would start the a new cycle we would never be able t escape from.

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

hazy in….

Hazy filled thoughts,

Remind me why we aren’t meant to act on them?
Because I can’t seem to care at this moment,

All I can think about is you
And everything that comes with being yours
The way your hands must feel on such sensitive skin,
What elicited cries you’ll bring from my throat,
I blush just thinking about it

I can’t stop my wandering eyes, or my wandering hands,
As they drift lower and lower,
Finding that spot that makes me sing the croons the sweetest of sins,
My body knows what she wants,
And she drips at the thought of your hands claiming what belongs to them,
Eager for that release only you can give,

Relapse; repeat, again,
I’ve fallen into this habit of you,

Dazed, so out of touch with the reality I present,
Can you bring me to the edge and be the very same who pushes me over,
Or must I find that release somewhere else,

In the hazy thoughts that are clouded by you and you alone…
My eyes and hands have begun to wander again.
You can’t hold be accountable for that comes next…

bad b*tch

Bad bitch, sad bitch…can you blame a bitch?
All these lovely titles make smile, make me laugh,
Until I don’t know whether the tears came before or after
Cry me a river, or I’ll cry myself a storm,
Either one should be enough to flush you out of my system,
Still, the rain that falls from my eyes holds the toxic traits of you,
Because even when the clouds fade from my skies,
You still find a way to linger
Polluting my future, my vision,
I wish you still saw my as this goddess,
This woman who held her head high and commanded love and respect,
But you let the storms cloud your eyes too,
And now all we see is the blurred visions of what we were,
Long ago,
Or maybe not that long ago,
Maybe we simply forgot what we swore to be for each other,
Our clouds rolled in too soon to the sky,
Turning the sunny days into ominous promises,
And we let ourselves transform into the things we promised we would never,
Bad bitch, sad bitch, I am that bitch.
And let me tell you from a bitch’s point of view,
I will come out of this storm more powerful than you know to fear.

prince charming

You wanted a Prince,
Someone to sweep you off your feet,
To pull you up from the messes you made from the hearts you’d broke,
And tell you everything will be okay,Because someone would take it from there.
You wanted someone to clean you up,
Make you a better version of yourself that you had dreamed of,
(Because you didn’t have the discipline or the strength to create her yourself)
So you wished on every shooting star,
Dug you fingers into the Earth for that one four leaved clover,
And prayed, to anyone willing to listen to the broke pleas,
Hoping you’d be given what you desperately wanted.

What was sent your way…
Wasn’t at all what you thought,

Instead you got nothing but the arrogance of a prince,
Entitlement that made your heart cringe and your lips bruise,
Tears that blinded you to everything that was so, so wrong with it,
Yet you still let it happen.
Let them into your heart, your body,
Expecting the next to heal the wounds from the last,
So surprised, dumbfounded as to how you’d come out worse than before,
(But tell ‘em, who are you kidding?)
(You knew what was best for you, fuck everything, and everyone else)
And you stand strong against the current,
The waves of endless abuse and perverse love,
Because you know this is part of it all,
Even when it doesn’t feel like it,
Love is there. Just look harder.

You wished and prayed,
Yet here you are,
Heart broken too many times to count,
And nothing to show for it,
You got princes, Kings even,
Whose head was too big for their crown,
Whose kingdom saw what you were to blind to,
And here you are,
A Queen with scars and a broken heart, rising to meet her King one last time,
Facing him head on and ready to fight for what she deserves…
Many a noble have laid their lives on the line in the battle of love,
Good luck my Queen,And may you find that thing you sought for, for so long…
After all, isn’t this what you wished for?

write about you (over and over)

Are your words tired?

Of writing about me so constantly,
I miss you, in the flesh and in my mind,
But I seem to be rewriting you all the time
Can’t get you outta my head no matter how many ways I phrase you,
But you still seem to love the spotlight.

Is there any middle ground we can meet in?
Where I can express what I need,
Without overpowering my heart,
And where you can soak up the words for their meaning,
Rather than the exposure they give you…

What a pair we had made,
Would have been, could have been,
All that should have been falling between the lines,
All spoken in past tense,
Like we no longer dwell on each other
Or the lives we created without the other…

As though our chapters are closed and unable to be edited,

Are our words tired, or are they simply resting,

Waiting for the chapters to finish completely and move onto the next?
I can’t keep rewriting this story;
God knows we have to find a different outcome,
Eventually,

Because this is suffocating me,

The pages are bleeding into the same story again and again and again,
Doomed to repeat until only we are the only ones left reading them.

And we both know we are only as big as our audience,

Have your words grown tired of me?

Because mine haven’t,
And it’s the worst pattern I find myself doomed to repeat,

As I write you over and over and over…

ignites

I’m glad to know I still hold weight in your thoughts
Like my opinion matters,
But we both know it doesn’t
I haven’t been apart of your life in so long,
And I can’t remember what it was like when you were in then picture,
But here we are, still thinking leftover thoughts,
And we can’t seem to let each other go,
It makes me…I don’t know,

I can’t say anymore, because it doesn’t affect me,
But it does, and I can’t name this feeling I hate to crave.
I still see your name and something ignites in me,
And it makes me petty and ashamed that I still have an effect on you too,
Yet, it burns something more in me, a fire that never died,
Fuels me, needing to release that fire before it burns its way through me,
And I need it, I need to be consumed and erupt and then exhausted,
I need it all,
I’m glad these thoughts weight heavy on the fires that burn their way through us,
Because who else would we be without the flames to consume us?

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…