bad b*tch

Bad bitch, sad bitch…can you blame a bitch?
All these lovely titles make smile, make me laugh,
Until I don’t know whether the tears came before or after
Cry me a river, or I’ll cry myself a storm,
Either one should be enough to flush you out of my system,
Still, the rain that falls from my eyes holds the toxic traits of you,
Because even when the clouds fade from my skies,
You still find a way to linger
Polluting my future, my vision,
I wish you still saw my as this goddess,
This woman who held her head high and commanded love and respect,
But you let the storms cloud your eyes too,
And now all we see is the blurred visions of what we were,
Long ago,
Or maybe not that long ago,
Maybe we simply forgot what we swore to be for each other,
Our clouds rolled in too soon to the sky,
Turning the sunny days into ominous promises,
And we let ourselves transform into the things we promised we would never,
Bad bitch, sad bitch, I am that bitch.
And let me tell you from a bitch’s point of view,
I will come out of this storm more powerful than you know to fear.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

prince charming

You wanted a Prince,
Someone to sweep you off your feet,
To pull you up from the messes you made from the hearts you’d broke,
And tell you everything will be okay,Because someone would take it from there.
You wanted someone to clean you up,
Make you a better version of yourself that you had dreamed of,
(Because you didn’t have the discipline or the strength to create her yourself)
So you wished on every shooting star,
Dug you fingers into the Earth for that one four leaved clover,
And prayed, to anyone willing to listen to the broke pleas,
Hoping you’d be given what you desperately wanted.

What was sent your way…
Wasn’t at all what you thought,

Instead you got nothing but the arrogance of a prince,
Entitlement that made your heart cringe and your lips bruise,
Tears that blinded you to everything that was so, so wrong with it,
Yet you still let it happen.
Let them into your heart, your body,
Expecting the next to heal the wounds from the last,
So surprised, dumbfounded as to how you’d come out worse than before,
(But tell ‘em, who are you kidding?)
(You knew what was best for you, fuck everything, and everyone else)
And you stand strong against the current,
The waves of endless abuse and perverse love,
Because you know this is part of it all,
Even when it doesn’t feel like it,
Love is there. Just look harder.

You wished and prayed,
Yet here you are,
Heart broken too many times to count,
And nothing to show for it,
You got princes, Kings even,
Whose head was too big for their crown,
Whose kingdom saw what you were to blind to,
And here you are,
A Queen with scars and a broken heart, rising to meet her King one last time,
Facing him head on and ready to fight for what she deserves…
Many a noble have laid their lives on the line in the battle of love,
Good luck my Queen,And may you find that thing you sought for, for so long…
After all, isn’t this what you wished for?

write about you (over and over)

Are your words tired?

Of writing about me so constantly,
I miss you, in the flesh and in my mind,
But I seem to be rewriting you all the time
Can’t get you outta my head no matter how many ways I phrase you,
But you still seem to love the spotlight.

Is there any middle ground we can meet in?
Where I can express what I need,
Without overpowering my heart,
And where you can soak up the words for their meaning,
Rather than the exposure they give you…

What a pair we had made,
Would have been, could have been,
All that should have been falling between the lines,
All spoken in past tense,
Like we no longer dwell on each other
Or the lives we created without the other…

As though our chapters are closed and unable to be edited,

Are our words tired, or are they simply resting,

Waiting for the chapters to finish completely and move onto the next?
I can’t keep rewriting this story;
God knows we have to find a different outcome,
Eventually,

Because this is suffocating me,

The pages are bleeding into the same story again and again and again,
Doomed to repeat until only we are the only ones left reading them.

And we both know we are only as big as our audience,

Have your words grown tired of me?

Because mine haven’t,
And it’s the worst pattern I find myself doomed to repeat,

As I write you over and over and over…

ignites

I’m glad to know I still hold weight in your thoughts
Like my opinion matters,
But we both know it doesn’t
I haven’t been apart of your life in so long,
And I can’t remember what it was like when you were in then picture,
But here we are, still thinking leftover thoughts,
And we can’t seem to let each other go,
It makes me…I don’t know,

I can’t say anymore, because it doesn’t affect me,
But it does, and I can’t name this feeling I hate to crave.
I still see your name and something ignites in me,
And it makes me petty and ashamed that I still have an effect on you too,
Yet, it burns something more in me, a fire that never died,
Fuels me, needing to release that fire before it burns its way through me,
And I need it, I need to be consumed and erupt and then exhausted,
I need it all,
I’m glad these thoughts weight heavy on the fires that burn their way through us,
Because who else would we be without the flames to consume us?

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…

reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

smile darling (can’t let the world know you’re mad)

Grin and bear it,
Put a smile to make that face pretty,
Sweet and docile,
It makes it easier to glance over you as they dismiss you,
How many times are we told to accept what we cannot change?
And never learn to change what is,
Too long I’ve let you dictate my words, my choices
My mannerisms,
But I can’t stay quiet anymore,
These thoughts have built and exploded from my lips,
The weight of them lifted off my chest,
I can’t stop—do I want to?
It’s so liberating to say what I feel, what I think,
And to know that nothing of you can control me any longer,
Because I removed the thoughts of you from my opinions,
Which means I no longer care what you think, in case you didn’t read between the lines,
I know it isn’t easy when thing aren’t going according to plan,
But no worries darling, I promise to make the easy for you to follow,
Grin, smile form ear to ear,
Bear the weight of all you’ve done under the guise of smile,
Because it’s so much easier to not let the world deal with your emotional turmoil sweetie,
Once you calm down I’m sure we can discuss why my words make you feel so many things, so much anger and conflicting
thoughts,
And I can’t wait to hear the calm logic and manly wisdom that comes from being bested by a woman you sought to keep beneath you.