we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

The Art of How To

Apparently, there is no formal guide for this sort of thing. Maybe
Because no one wants to write it, or no one knows what to write.
Clearly in need of assistance, here’s my two cents.
Dare I say, I imagine myself an expert on the matter,
Even though I have no formal training, how hard could it be?
Frankly, it’s not a matter of skill, nor a test of one’s intellect, so just
Give me some of your time, and I’ll make this worth your while,
“How to be short and to the point,” is what I’ll call my guide. My
Intent shall be helping those who like to babble on and on,
Just shy of getting to their actual point. So,
Keep your attention on my helpful “How To” and me and
Let me help you get over that annoying habit of talking too
Much. So, should give steps or rules?
No, no, examples shall the best teaching method.
Only when you see what not to do can you do what is right.
Personally, I learned better from watching other’s mistakes, that’s why I’m
Qualified to write this “How To”. I think my title is too long,
Really quite mouthful. Perhaps I should
Shorten it down. That’s besides the point, since I spent the majority of my
Time not getting to the point.
Unfortunately, the damage is done. I should include a warning; ‘outcomes
Vary’, or ‘results not guaranteed’.
What a fail my guide has been, oh the irony. Just like math makes finding
X overly complex, I’ve done the same. This didn’t turn out the way I planned. I hope
You don’t feel cheated. Clearly, I’m a little too over
Zealous about the whole thing. Now I see why there is no guide.

drown in me

Jump in, the water is fine,
Don’t be nervous, I want this as much as you do,
The way your body moves,
Taking its time to crawl over to mine,
Over mine, ready to express that primal love I so desperately crave,
Jump in with me,
Give in,
I know you’re dying to,
I want, no need, you to give it up,
Let go, give over the control of the river,
Let it flow over you, consume you in every aspect,
The nerves, your every sense clouded by me,
God how I want to be your everything,
The thing to desperately need, the sex that has you seeing stars,
The thing that motivates you, the one thing that makes you hot and chaotic,
I crave that feeling from you,
Fall into my bed, fall into me, in between my legs,
Moan for me; sing for me in the sweetest of melodies,
Let my tongue guide you, lower and lower, the pressure is building higher,
My body response so well,
Jump in darling, the water is heating up the more we drag this out,

Give in to me,
Twisting yourself around my current
It’s okay to go with the flow darling,
I promise my ripe tide won’t tear you apart,
Well, only enough to drag you under, to let you drown in me.

crazy and bound to me.

On some nights I lie awake and wonder if you’re thinking of me,
For no other reason than to be vain,
I want you to still think of me,
Let your every thought be consumed by me,
Because that means this was worth it,
And that I thought the same way you did.
I can’t stand thinking this was all in vain,
Vanity and I go hand in hand,
She keeps me sane, and loving every bit of the insanity I crave,
I wonder,
Is the body keeping you warm at night as good as me?
Does she love you the insane way I do?
Because I know no one will ever compare,
To you or to me,
And I know you’ll never have another the way you had me,
Freely, fully and insanely…
Enough to keep you coming back again and again and again
Until it wasn’t,
And I’m lying awake,
Wondering why my insanity wasn’t enough to keep you,
Crazy and bound to me.

greedy (for your poison)

It’s crazy, the way I miss you when you aren’t there,
When I’m the reason you aren’t here,
But I guess that what it means to love the toxicity
We create it together,
What a beautiful tragedy,
But keep feeding me that poison,
And I promise to drink it greedily,
It only makes me miss you more when you aren’t here.

the inside of me

I wonder if the inside of me looks the way I imagine,
Is it sweet, justified and willing to hear all sides of the story?
Does my skin cover my sympathy and my empathy in one finger?
Or are different parts assigned to different emotions,
Does my heart beat the same?
Or does it bleed all over my sleeves when exposed so often,
I wish I knew,
Though I feel like I do,
How can I imagine it any differently?
It’s like faith,
Present when you pray feverishly,
But when you stare to hard, or call it by name,
It vanishes in front of your eyes,
Leaving a trace of what you once felt,
Left clinging to the space between the ribs,
As though a real pain guts you,
I wonder…
I wonder if you think I’m the same person I view myself as,
Do we both see me as a lover, as a person to share your secrets with?
Tight vault, locked by your key,
Do we both see a lover scorned by fires she wasn’t ready to hold?
Do you trace the scars the way I do?
Lovingly and misty eyed,
I wonder these things so much,
And so little, is it possibly to think with both sides of your brain,
Maybe that’s why I’m going crazy,
Too many thoughts running free,
But…I wonder why I see myself one way, and you another,
Perhaps, this is why we can see ourselves in our full capacity,
Too much to contain and to much to absorb in one glance,
I wonder if I look the way you think I do…

A home for ghosts

How to we go from here? How do we fix the cracks in our broken love…not even flecks of scattered gold can cover the damages love

How to we remedy the pain we’ve caused each other, the mess we created with the emotions that pour from ours haunts

Those ghosts that keep us up in the middle of the night. The ones that steal the gold, first in pieces, than in full. Leaving us to stare into the space they once belonged.

Maybe you just don’t know, maybe you just don’t care,

How can you sleep when these tears keep falling from my eyes.

I never know what to say to help you see, help you understand. But I shouldn’t have to.

You can’t read my mind, and I can’t expect things to go my way, the way they do in my head, because then we’d both become fools.

So where do we go from here? How can we be what each other needs when the ghosts have made their homes with us.

Permit haunts to keep us company in the middle of the night. When we both crawl through the open spaces of the once sought gold that held us in place.

pretty girls

What is it about them?
Those girls who laugh pretty,
Who play the field like they aren’t up to bat?
That don’t give a fuck who watches them as they fall,
Because they know they’ll get right back up,
Dust the dirt off their jeans and brace for the next fall,
What is it about them that makes me crave them
The girls that fight tooth and nail to be heard,
To the one person that matters,
I want to be one of those girls,
I want to be able to stand on my own two feet,
Those girls that I wish to be,
What makes them so desirable and beautiful,
I wish I knew their secrets,
So I could be one of them.

do angels fall?

What happens to the Angels who aren’t so pure?
When their wings become tainted,
Dipped in the darkness of sin,
Or, something a bit more intoxicating,
That really pulls them in,
Making them question everything they once believed,
Just like that first hesitation to follow the crowd,

Angels aren’t met to float forever,
Or are they?
But, even they must have their limits,
Everyone has limits,
Even the almighty,
Couldn’t handle the disappointment of his first two creations,
Casting them out in an attempt to teach them,
Only for them to adapt and learn that every story had two sides…

He must be lonely,
That angel who fell,
No one to confide in and no one to lean against,
But that’s the price of pride,
So while you cling to yours,
Remember it’s what keeps you questioning,
Maybe even sane,
But who’s to say you’ll retain it when you fall?
Because Angels can’t live a little, without feeling the consequences…

All angels have the capability to fall darling,
Just ask the first,
I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to share his descent,
But remember to not be too sympathetic,
He’ll latch onto to that feeling,
And drag you further and further down,
And make you love every second of it.