is this what it means to be a coward?

It’s lazy, like I forget that I should be concerned about something right now,

But I just roll my shoulders,
Smile and don’t let my mind linger on one thought too long,

I can’t be responsible for what it strays to,

I can’t control her,
Though I pretend I can, pretend I care,
Tied down and yet able to cut the bides that tie me as easily as they ensnare me,

Is that what it means to be a coward?

To always have an escape in case things got messy,
In case you got messy…?

Ready to run when feelings get to deep, the emotions run to high they can’t be contained in a single instance,

And I can’t reason with them.

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

to see forever

You told me we would see forever,
Under the stars and the moon,
As timeless as they were,

A fool, I was, to believe that we could ever amount to the stars,
I suppose the stars in my eyes blinded me from seeing what you truly meant,

That there was only magic in your words, but no meaning behind them,
But I’ll still blame the darkness for not being able to see you as you were,

And I was a fool all the same.

reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

redemption and its funny things,

You thought I would be the redemption to your sins.
The grace that would forgive you in the eyes of all you wronged
And I wish you had been mine
But it seems we only invited different demons into our hearts,
And they made friends with the ones already thriving in these chaotic souls,
I suppose that’s what we get for believing ourselves worthy of such a gracious gift,
Love, in its many forms,
Can never be the same for those of us who shunned her for so long.

I wish I believed in love the way you once had,
Effort and work and passion that created such a beautiful thing
It was the envy of those who whispered behind your back,
The creator of the lies you would soon tell yourself to keep up the façade,
The reasons why we find ourselves here, now…
I once believed redemption was my only answer,
Did I have to answer for every wrong I’ve committed?
Or did I simply have to play the part of the humbled, changed for the better, person?
Would you be able to see through me,
Know that I was playing the game as much as it once played me.

I find myself back at the shore again,
Letting the waters lap my toes, each new wave coming closer and closer to taking me under,
I don’t know why I’m back,
I thought I left your sands long ago,
But there is something about the call,
The current, the tide, whatever the pull of you has over me,
That keeps me longing for the horizon only you seem to see.

I’ve been here before, we both know,
So close to freedom, and one breath away from drowning in the thought of it,
And yet, that wasn’t enough to keep me from looking back…
I’m so tired of looking over my shoulder for you,
I want to be here, I realize, and I don’t know that that means.
So wash over me and let the discover the answer at the bottom of you,
Swallowing the salt and sand,
Answering the call you sing for me in hopes to find something…

drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

embraced shame

Can’t say I’m ashamed that you have this control over me,
I know it; let it embrace me overtime, every time,
Because I know fighting it leads to more damage than I can recover from,
And I give in so much easier every time you come back into my heart,
It almost seems like instinct now,
Does that make me a coward?
A girl who can’t protect her heart from the predator who devours on sight,
Or does that make me a survivor,
Knowing this is a battle I can’t fight and come out victorious,
At least not alone,
But the help isn’t there now,
So I let you in, square up and stand on what little ground I have left,
While it only takes you one final push to send me down, falling over the edge…
They’ll say I let you in,
I gave you the keys, hell, even opened the door
And what’s worse about all the shame and guilt?
I know deep down, I feel it even now,
Is that some part of me knows it’s true…

seems it found me

I found what I wanted,


t was everything I needed,
And it cost me everything,
I found it when I least needed it…least expected it,
But I clung to it like my life depended on it,
As though it would be the grace that I deserved in this hell I built for myself.

And that should have been the tell,
The thing you crave the most is never what it’s suppose to be,
I knew, god I knew it would be the death of me,
Knew the danger it would bring to a soul like mine,

I told everyone it was my last choice,
I needed it to change,
But they all knew how much I didn’t,
how much it would consume me in all the worst ways,

And I said fuck them,
They could never know me, the person I was behind closed doors and hidden facades,
Turns out I didn’t even know who I was behind it all,
Because when I found the thing I wanted so, so bad,
I didn’t recognize the face staring back at me…