Once Broken, now Bent

Never had I thought missing you would leave me breathless,
Leave me hopeless and shaking,
Yearning for a love that will never be given in this lifetime.
But those nights are truly the worst.
Caught in my sorrow and pity,
Not even your laugh can pull me back.
No, these nights are mine alone, and as much as I hate them,

I need them.

Need to feel their heavy presence and suffocating grip,
If only to know how much love truly takes and takes and takes,
Leaving such beautiful memories, tragic in their short-lived perfection,
Forever fading, until all that’s left is the feeling of the memory,
These nights come and go, lasting only as long as the sorrow in my heart,
But soon the sorrow will fade too, replaced by something once broken, now bent
And I will be kinder to myself when these nights return once again,
Because to live is to know the ways it can break your heart.

Drown in this Feeling

When the forbidden ends up at my doorstep in more ways than one,
What should I do? Now that my fantasy’s have been made reality,
And having it within my hands is all too much and not enough?
What do you do when you finally grasped the things you’ve been craving?
It’s not in the way I thought, having you like this is something I never saw coming,
I guess I’ll never know, not truly, but I’ve come close.
And I’m not sure what scares me more, wanting this or the fear of having it become a deeper reality then I’m ready for.
We wish we could be more secretive, sly and coy in the ways that count,
I wish my affection wasn’t so apparent, these moans and sighs weren’t so transparent
But living with my heart on my sleeve is a burden I can’t seem to shake,
Despite the ways I’ve tried, and the fact that you know me so well scares me,
But, I’ve come to find trust is both given and returned, if fact, it isn’t as taboo as I once thought it to be.

You should know that with you it’s different.
Because you crept up on me in a way no one ever has,
Baby, these feelings aren’t as easy to ignore a I hoped they’d be;
Harder to ignore the wetness gathering between my thighs,
How my mind wanders back to you in the most sinful of ways,
You’ll never know the countless thoughts wasted on you,
The nights where I’d lay awake and think of things that would never happen,
The same nights were my hands would roam just under my hemline, beneath my panties, touching..right…ah, yes–there, please, please, please.
My thoughts drive me wilder than you, leaving bruises on my hips, my heart.
And you’ll never know what my mind conjures when I’m asleep,
The things you do with your hands and tongue as you hold me down…
I always wake with a gasp and aches that never seem to fade,
But gods how I wish they would never stop.

You’ll never know the way I smile when you aren’t looking,
Or the way my eyes light up when I figure out a new piece to the puzzle of you.
You could never know that whatever this is,
It means so much more to me than you know,
That letting someone in is such a risk for a soul like mine,
And the fact that you’ve managed to snake your way in is not lost on me.
So here we are, stuck at the lines that can’t be crossed in this lifetime,
Yet we still linger over them, testing their boundaries and limitations,
Hoping that one day, there will be a crack in their defenses or a weakness made known,
For lovers like us to jump and grasp with everything we are,
And maybe then we can let go, be lost in the abyss of us,
Abandoned by good and bad, left to drown in the feeling.

My Best Friend

There isn’t enough love on this Earth that I could give you,
Not even words could express the way I feel about you,
But I can do my best to show you.
Show you the ways I love you. When we can talk for hours about nonsense,
Things that only you and I understand; because we have talked to each other since forever began, at least in our minds.
Let me show you the ways I love you, let us discover them together.
From the random messages during the day, the ‘I love yous’ hidden in the exes and ohs,
I find them in the tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing too hard,
Because some stories can’t be shared with words alone.
I find them in the ways you show up at my door long after the sun has set,
If only to see me and hold me tight, to whisper things will be okay even when they
clearly aren’t.
These moments that we have are infinite, everything I need and can’t seem to get enough of. I find our moments of love buried in the endless phone calls,
The way we can say so much, and never speak a word,
The way I never have let anyone come this close to my soul,
And haven’t been terrified of the damage they could wreck.
The way I wouldn’t change a thing about us. Not a thing.

I see the ways I love you in how my thoughts always circle back to you,
How I wish you nothing but love and happiness and good.
I see them in the endless jokes and banter we have between us,
The way I never laugh as hard as when I am with you.
I feel it in the emotions that come about as I write this for you,
The good, the sad, the things that make up us,

My thoughts on paper, the least I could do, compared to everything you’ve done for me.
I love you so much; I will never love another like the way I do you.
And I am so blessed to have you in my life, grateful to claim you as my person, and I you.
My best friend, my everything; so while there aren’t enough words and gestures,
Allow me to show you the infinite ways I love you so

The Glass Shards that Cover My Soul

There are dreams that I have every so often,
The same scenes and phrases sinking out like a fragmented memory,
Only to be washed away in the haze of consciousness.
The pictures in my head never play out the same way on my screen,
Images and characters always subject to change,
Twists and turns that leave my eyes spinning with different outcomes.
I’ve grown tired of Fate and the games she plays,
No longer blessed with childhood innocence and imagination,
My bliss is no longer ignorant, my mind no longer sedated.

Yet, these dreams kept on reply in my mind leave more than whispers on my brain,
Some so loud I need to cast them into the world, uninhibited and shameless.
So free, so young, yet so confine to the solace I find in the pages of ink and gemstone.

My future has never been more clouded then when I looked into your crystal ball
Its images faded and distorted –like those the trapped in your head,
Falling into an endless cycle left in repetition for those forced to watch and see,
As they have yet to be burned by the promise of an untouched tomorrow.

Some moments, I’ll cry out to a god, who no longer exists,
Wishing to change the fate that had been so cruelly given to the unexpected,
But all that I will hear is the wind as it ruffles the leaves.
The silence that will follow, the breaking of my heart so still and subtle
Will define me in this moment in time.

And so these moments become shards of what once was the mirror to my soul,
Put back arbitrarily, if only to keep the reflected light trapped inside once more.
So I pace the room, frantically keeping my ink from spilling too much onto the page,
I know these reflections, these ill-kept words and dreams, will reach you again,
And then you will see what my heart has resurrected,
The beauty that can only be found the darkest parts of my soul,
Hidden by the glass shards that cover it.

The Beauty of a Memory

Despite our pleas and pathetic memorials to souls who couldn’t care less,
Darling, the dead are meant to stay dead,
And they only live on in the stories we replay in our head,
Trapped on repeat in the one-sided memories we relive.
Yet in your glory and arrogance, you bring to life the darkest of souls,
Ready to walk among creatures that harbor no semblance to men.
You walk a God among men, poised with elitist elegance,
Head too far in the clouds to realize the ground you stand and
Ready to cast aside those deemed unworthy, yet for all your immortality,
You fall shy of the beauty of a memory. A soul trapped on the earth meant for man.
So I wait for you to come off your high, holding your head as it crashes down.

No, we did not start out like the worshiped and superior,
Rather, we came into being through shy smiles and longing glances.
Nights spend whispering humbled wishes and lost dreams,
And we would wonder what the stars were desperate to tell us.
The sun rose once again, reality quick to swallow what was left of our innocence.
For all the power of that star, she was no match for you.

It is said kings and queens find love together when their empire is set to fail,
A tragedy with the build up of star-crossed lovers,
And I like to think we could have been great enough to be carve into stone,
A King and Queen who found each other and set the balance of power once again.
But for all the epics and songs, I could not find a tale that would match ours,
For who is a king to a queen who gave her heart to a peasant long ago?
And what is a queen to a man who knows not the cost his tyranny?
Kings come and kings go, but you figure a God has a lifetime to hold power,
So you build yourself a kingdom fit for the ancient Gods and rock the world,
Forgetting nights under the stars, and the children who wished upon them
And I can’t grieve who you used to be any longer.
(Because the dead stay buried in the swallow graves we build,
Unable to rise for weeping sinners like us,
So we are left praying to the corpse of what once was and will never be again.)

Though I am painful attune to the concept of a prayer heard, a prayer lost,
I have never found the answers I needed.
So while you tumble back and forth with so little faith,
I drop to my knees and worship you the only way my heart knows how.
Hoping to find grace with the king. Hoping my offering to the God will suffice.
For what does a Queen have left to give, when her kingdom has fallen to dust?
Her heart painted a red too dark to be considered holy,
So who is the king to the Queen who has lost everything?
What is the title of Queen to a man who worships false Goddess’?
He; who has served more Queens then he knows, all for a kingdom built in the stars?

lost magic

Feel like I’ve lost my magic,
Lost is the storm, engulfed by the thunder and rain,
Or maybe I burned it,
In the fires I seem to set when I’m mad,
When I’m sad,
When I’m…running from everything,
I feel like then magic died the night I let you take me,
One swift thrust,
Your mouth bruising mine as it swallows my cries,
And the ember dies along with my heart,
Well, maybe just pieces,
For someone without a heart couldn’t miss the love and magic she once
held,
Something so fragile and precious,
Gone in an instant,
I wasn’t ready for that, not yet,
But you took it without so much of a question,
And left me to the mundane morning,
Alone and out of touch with this new world I was thrust into

broken wicks (can’t lite)

The fires were lite, and died,
This flame has long been nothing but a pile of ashes,
Blow away with the changing winds, as the world moves on,
But, it seems you are the only one who just can’t move on,
Catching the floating pieces,
Showing them into a jar to preserve them,
As though they help you keep the wounds fresh and open,
And give you something to cling to in your path of self-indulgence and
anger,
Move on sweetheart, let go of the past,
No one is forcing you to live in it,
But, it seems something I did has gotten under your skin,
Or you wouldn’t need to reach into that jar,
So you could receive attention for another fifteen,
But no matter how much you scratch and itch,
That feeling will always be there.
Nagging and making itself known,
Because you give it the power to do so,
And you have no one to blame but yourself,
Darling, it’s funny how you still try to play the victim,
When it feels as though you are the only one who cares anymore.

that effect of you…

I don’t even feel the effect you have anymore,
So I take more, down and down,
I swallow hard, taking a shot of you,
A taste of what I need to give me that high,
Hoping I’ll feel something, anything, like the way you once gave,
What happened?
Why don’t you have that effect on me anymore?
I miss it; I need more of it,
If only because it takes all of you to make me feel anything now,
So much, too much, I’m an addict,
But even you can’t control this side of me,
Not when you’ve lost your hold on me,
Not when I look to another to make me feel the way you once did…
I wish I could be satisfied,
But I’m a greedy bitch,
Ready to swallow you whole,
If only to feel your high just for awhile….

written; speechless

The keys feel different under my fingers,
Lively and precise,
Like they know the words to pen,
Even as my fingers guide over the jumbled letters,
Funny how the heart and mind seem to collide,
And when they agree,
The outcome is fluid and so clear,
I can’t stop it,
Type away, the keys click and hum under my guidance,
Telling a story that I can’t seem to figure out in my head,
At least not yet,
They see the picture,
But my hands create the image in its entirety,
And when we step back,
To see the creation as it forms and finishes,
It steals my breath,
And reminds me that some thing’s are meant to take your breath away…

cheap tricks and addictions

Cheap tricks and party favors used to get me through the night,
Wrapped up in another strangers arms,
The city that never sleeps kept my attention,
But that addiction was never with me when I woke in another’s bed,
Night after night, thrills faded and I took hits stronger than the last,
I needed the addiction to keep me up, to keep me strung along for a little more,
But that high only lasts so long,
And than you sauntered into my life,
Randomly, so unexpectedly and I hate it,
Hate that I wished you were with me the nights I explored those late nights,
Ventured into the dawn with new stories and surprising addictions to mirror the poor choices I used to make
Hate that I started to need you to keep me up longer,
Hate that you started to replace the addictions entirely…

Cheap trick and party favors are the things I clung to,
Kept me warm in the middle of the night with each new stranger my body wrapped around.
And it should have been enough; it was what I was used to,
And I hate you for changing that about me,
Hate that I looked forward to coming home to you in our bed,
That I want to be wrapped up in only you,
And the only party favors I wanted were your silly jokes and corny dance moves,
Your cheap tricks making me snort the tequila out of my nose,
Your laughter drowning out my complaints and bemoans,
And I hate that I find myself laughing along too.
A new addiction is forming,
And I hate that I’m helpless to stop it…