Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

Texts at 3AM

My thoughts sit in their white bubble, three dots bouncing on the screen,
Thoughts at 3AM always seem to find their way onto the keyboard.
My thumb hovering over the little arrow that could change everything,
But these letters are words that will never make their way into your messages,
So I watch them disappear in the space of what could have been.

Know that it hurts to keep these thoughts and emotions and screams bottled inside,
For the power they hold over me is suffocating.
(But I know you can find the chemicals and thrills to free me from these confides),
My mind reeling from a chaos of its own making,
And I drown in the words that refuse to leave my throat.
Now, you know me; every twisted version I have,
Faces masked and true intents discovered under the rubble,
But that never scared you from exploring all of me,
So please paint me with vivid colors and haunting images of a story untold,
And for you, these words will be your lullaby, a comfort buried in time.

My fingers seem to have a mind of their own,
Wanting you to know every thought and feeling as it is happening.
Texts at 3AM always seem to find their way out of the chaos of my mind,
The words light up your phone in the silence of a breaking dawn,
When the Earth is her stillest, and the chaos is dozing in the darkness.
Let’s not pretend that this won’t be an upheaval among the valley,
But let us know that what we rebuild will be beautiful and timeless.

Time comes to a halt as I hold my breath,
You may not know the importance of this text.
It is so much easier to let it pour when no one can see.
So I hide behind the protection of my phone and her peace,
Watching as delivered turns into read,
Anxious and relieved, I pace, to see how you respond to a vulnerable heart,
I wait and wait, watching your three dots bounce on the white screen

cycles circling

I wish I didn’t miss you,
Or I wish I did,
I can never tell anymore,
Because I can go days, weeks, months even without you ever crossing my mind,
And yet one thought…

One scenario will have me spiraling out of control,
And then you consume me.
You become all I think about,
I check in, stalk, anything to see what you’re doing,
Am I still on your mind?
Do thoughts of me consume you the way they do me?
It’s holding us back,
Me, back…
Why does the cycle circle back every time?

I wish…

I don’t even know what I wish anymore,
Maybe to forget you,
Maybe that I never met you,
But we both know that would make me a liar,
And I would never wish to be that.

what you you think?

What would you think?
If you saw the person I became?
The things that lead me to these moments,
The moments I didn’t take,
Words I didn’t say, the actions I held back because I was a better person,
The times I was a better person because I took the time to think.
But…

There were times I spit words I wished I didn’t,
Moments I let happened without stopping them, and,
Actions I took and rendered,
Some I regret, and others I’m glad happened,
Because they taught me to grow and forced me to learn,
And so the cycle began.

What would you think?
If you saw me as I was…
No makeup, no filters,
I know,
You’d tell me I’m pretty,
Lovely inside and out,
But did you see the way I treated others?
When I think no one is listening to my thoughts?
I like to say I treat everyone fairly,
But I’m only human,
And I know there are those I disdain, those that get under my skin,
Those I wish would rot and just, god, just no exist.
Would you still think of me as lovely?

What would you think of me,
As I am,
My flaws, my faults and my tragedies,
All rolled up into a lovely picture I let the world see,
I hope, I hope you would see me still
The person I crave and wish to be,
Underneath it all,
A person trying to be better, and making better choices each day,
I hope that’s what you would think of me.

the aftermath of you

The wind won’t seem to stop ever since you left,
It blows and stirs and whines,
Creating storms and hurricanes in the wake of losing you,
And all I can do is shoulder the burden,
Waiting for the winds to grow feint,
To grow tired, drained, exhausted from the howling and weeping over you,
For a moments peace,
But they all know there will never be another like that again.
I took the storms,
I bore her thunder and took on the scariest parts,
Anything to forget the one thing they’ll never let me,
Bare my heart and soul,
Though they’ve been stripped long after and before you,
In hopes of starting fresh,
Let the eaters take this broken mess away and reclaim its pieces away from this,
But I know that will take time,
More storms and hurricanes to come,
And each time I’m left with the aftermath of you…

in the safety of my pocket

I’ve forgotten what you’re laugh sounded like,
But I’d never admit it,
Can’t remember what we used to mock and tease each other for,
I haven’t a clue what to do next,
Because I can’t remember the last words we said to each other were,
Or I chose to forget them,

I can’t recall…

But not a day goes by without your thoughts and opinions floating through my head,
You always had a way of bringing yourself to the forefront.
I carry a small picture of you in my pocket,
In case I ever forget what you look like
Or in case I just…need to be reminded of everything you were
In case I need to be reminded of the memory of you,
I have it,
In the safety of my pocket.

drunk dials

Your hold on me carries me through the night,
Something I can’t seem to let go,
Dependence that I let masquerade as independence,
Far longer than I’d care to admit,

Because I never needed you, I wanted you,
And the difference between that want and need must be there,
I won’t admit it to myself otherwise,

This call is a mistake,

(But it seems my fingers have a mind of their own,
And your voice brings back so, so many things….)

I wished you’d send me to voicemail,
Let me get out what I need to say without you listening,
It’s always to cry to nothing than a sympathetic ear.

I always find my way back to you,
Regardless of what I actually need, and something not even wanted…
Time and time again I wish I could break your spell,
But here I go again,
Drunk dialing those ten numbers that I needed to memorize…
Just in case…

shaded space

I have no more words,
I feel like I’ve laid them all out,
On paper, with ink, on the screen with that cursor blinking back at me,
I’ve written all there is to say about you,
But you still end up in everything I do,
Every word I write, every creative sentence,
I find traces of you,

And it’s haunting,

But in a way that holds an eerie amount of comfort,
To keep you so close, but this delusion isn’t good for me,
Because I can’t live forever in a memory,
A shade of what we used to be and could have been…
But if you’re the only thing my mind comes back,
Will you ever truly leave me?
And it scares me that I think the honest answer is no…

watching your back

Finished and drained,
You had always been my constant to fall back on,

But lately something’s changed,
Your distance is growing,
And I can’t seem to bridge the gap.

My pleas fall on deaf ears,
You can’t be bothered to listen,
And I wonder how we got into this,

I wanna cry, scream and fix everything

Immediately,

Because I can’t function on this broken routine,
But you don’t

And I’m left gathering the pieces as you walk further away from me.