Missing a You I Never Knew

You and I met too soon in this life to be anything but distant tale,
Lost among the battles and trials of a forgotten war.
Our story had been recorded times and times before,
Each ending slightly different and each battle fought for different reasons,
But every outcome was that of a love lost, heart broken, a better half vanished.

I miss the way we used to talk,
Hours and hours of meaningless conversation,
Unburdened by the feelings and chaos of a worrisome heart.
I miss the way you would talk to only me,
About things that never seemed important but were so much more,
When we were blinded by our innocence and a fascination of this rediscovered feeling.
I miss the smile that only I would see, missing you, who I would never know.
I miss the easy comfort I found in your presence,
Never worrying for too long about thing I couldn’t control, and I miss
The gestures and feelings I only entertained for you.

We had conquered this empire once before, maybe in another life,
But the times have changed and the battles have grown deadlier.
And for all our skills and armor and tactics,
We fell victim yet again to the surprises of guerilla warfare.
Our kings have been moved far too many times along this chess board,
Our chiefs could not have seen this coming, nor could our best warriors,
So all we have left are the fallen that refused to succumb to the battlefield,
And the few lucky that escaped deaths scythe.
But still, we continue to fight against a foe that will never give,
And both sides have grown ragged and tired from a constant front.

I miss the feelings we once shared,
The little things that faded until they were all but gone,
Have we gotten what we deserved? The rejection of a bond neglected for so long?
My heart wishes there could be more than what the map has laid out for us,
But the terrain is unpredictable and rough, fingers linked, but barely clasped,
So only skilled warriors chance everything to cross it,
But by the time they battle their way through, it has changed once again,
Leaving behind the brave souls that dared to take a chance.

This Run Down Bar

Listen to the words I sing into the mic, sensual and desperate,
Feeling good and different, knowing it can’t be the alcohol warming your veins.
These words, they will capture you in a trance, letting you sway,
But don’t sway too far to one side,
Because than you will no longer be able to feel what I do.

Love is but a background noise, in this run down little bar,
First you are not sure what you hear,
Words mumbled and lyrics sung on a key to low to be heard the first time.
Then, you are curious, ears perked as you strain to listen,
Not knowing that once you’ve heard her the siren song,
You would never be able to go without.

It’s not like the relationships you watch through rose-colored lens,
Scripted and written with just enough tragedies to be romantic.
But I still crave the feeling I’ve never been able to define.

The chaos in the beauty of this thing called love was always hard to hear,
Few could ever amount to something as timeless and composed,
But, now, she has become an all-consuming thing,
Every thought, every action and everything is because of her,
And you struggle to find who you are without her,
(But you adore what she has turned you into,
Smart mouth and ever feeling and emotional to a fault).
So let’s stop thinking about the timing of it all.
And just know that we made the best out of what little time we had.

Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

The Trouble with Angels

The trouble with angels, my dear,
Is the question; how hard have they fallen for you to find one? Trapped on Earth
Down, down, down they fall. Losing their grace with every wilted feather,
Stranded with only the knowledge of something better, trapped,
Within the bounds of heavenly law, only to find temptations all around,
Oh darling, that’s immortality, wrapped pretty in red and around every corner.

The trouble with love, my dear,
Is the thoughts and emotions that complicate a complex feeling.
To give myself away with so little a risk I thought I’d once take,
But the fall from grace and how easily the unforgiving were cast out,
Makes me think otherwise. What a silly feeling love has been known to be.
If love is suppose to be a nameless, beautiful divine thing,
Why are we all damned for fighting wars over her?

The trouble with you, my dear,
Is how easy I find myself drawn to you, with that body and those eyes,
Pulling me in with every smile and drawn out lullaby,
I can’t decide how good you’ll be for me, but lets have fun trying to figure it out.
Let’s take our time exploring the seven sins, some more than once,
Drag me down to you, and I’ll sing praises and hymns from between your legs,
Make me see the stars as the angels once did, unfiltered and raw,
So love me now, or never, the choice is yours,
But know that a fruit so forbidden is bound to be rotten in some ways.
And this war we’ve waged on our hearts, let us put them to good use,
Tongues clashing, fingers gripping hard; prove to me that love is physical and real.
Only once we crash into the Earth as the angels did, can we rise to the heavens,
Sinful and satisfied from the Earthly pleasures we chose to explore.

Untrained Wages in Love

Love is an emotion I never took the time to explore,
For she is something I cannot control or even restrain,
And if I cannot control her, how am I supposed to governor my reaction?
So Love is someone I had strayed from, never too close to the window of love,
Never letting her linger too long in my heart, never letting her seize thine eyes,
How can I give myself to you when I’m too afraid?
Letting people in had never been a strong point in my makeup,
And I have survived years without the need of another,
So who are you to make me give up my solitude?

Your touch is as familiar as a lover from another life,
Though I think that is where you should remain.
For I have been trapped in my eternity for quite some time,
You could only complicate the fragile cage I built around my heart.
And yet, the rattling you stirred has made me doubt all I had done to keep you away.

So yes, you invade my heart like snow upon the dirt,
Covering all that had been bruised, torn and stitched back together,
And like a stranger you come into my life unannounced.
Your presence remains longer then I wish,
And while I can think of all the reasons I want you gone,
It is the one reason I want you to stay that keeps my lips closed and heart open
For I was always curious about this emotion that wrote sonnets and waged wars,
This emotion that causes death all in the name of a feeling, a single touch,
That still writes timeless lyrics to songs that make you weep.
And for this curiosity I remain in rapture by the presence of a stranger,
For what’s love but the offer of another’s vulnerability, their deepest secrets?
Secrets hold dear to the sense of ones self, and I am prey to those sinful moments,
Those captured in the security of love and her truths,
And I will do my best do seal the fate of a new found fascination of love,
For it is she that will grate me the power to write sonnets and waged wars,
If only to prove she had power over me, despite my best defenses.

 

 

*Image found on pinterest.com*

The Cruelty of Our Love

There is me, and than there is you,
Two fools who happened to cross paths,
And find stability in the utter chaos around us.
I found you, in the coldest part of my heart,
While you craved the darkness you sought in me.
So I’ll use you to ease into the noise of my cluttered mind,
And you can use me to try and tame you demons.
I think I see the Devil lapping at our heels,
To devour the saints we deluded ourselves into becoming,
For the tainted sinners we always were.

There is me. And now there is you,
Two scorned lovers in an exile bestowed only by those we’ve loved
(It doesn’t matter that they are we. Or we are they.)
I feel you in the deepest part of my bones,
Where my hands have found trouble and grace.
I lost it all when you dug yourself in my heart
Its ice and frost melting the waters that would flood my soul and
And that is the moment we drown.

There is me. There is you.
Two people who happened to know each other
From along time ago, from a past that is better left buried.
I want to fight, for what we had become, but I had be beaten and I was bruised.
So I‘ll sit here on the edge, holding onto every ‘if’ and every ‘maybe’,
Everything that crashed and brought us to our knees.
And we chase and we fall for the same thing every damn time.
But never into each other,
Now into the arms of something better, someone new.

Now there is me. Only me.
You’ve left to find yourself again,
Because you found you didn’t like who you became with me
You lost you mind, let it sink in the loudest part of our love,
So it fell in between the silence of the noise.
The thawed ice frozen once again, freezing back into place.
And the stability I found is numbing.

There is no longer me and there is no longer you.
Just two souls intertwined than detangled.
So we pray and pray, to be cleansed of the demon and devils
To find grace and peace in the walls of a pagan god.
Because I still feel the Devil lapping at our heels
Hungry for the sins we’ve yet to commit,
Waiting to wash away its innocence, and bath in the cruelty of our love.
We come to find the things we once found stability in,
Are the things that lead us further and further into the chaos of our broken minds.

seeds of temptation

I entertain the thought of you,
And I feel like that makes me a bad person,
You shouldn’t be the one that makes me flutter,
And honestly, you have no hold over me,
But, maybe, it’s your idea, what you could mean,
Well, the idea of you that has me daydreaming,
Thinking of things differently, if you were the center of my focus,

But, I know that’s not right,
Not the one my heart bleeds for, sings for,
But my head, my thoughts drift towards you even when I don’t want them to,
And that makes me concerned,

Does that make me human, or a horrible person,
Or is it something we can’t even address,
A feeling with no name,
But so commonly felt,
That we all know the thing we think about as I write these words,
Humans with a taste for the temptation,
Now where have I heard that one before…?

crazy and bound to me.

On some nights I lie awake and wonder if you’re thinking of me,
For no other reason than to be vain,
I want you to still think of me,
Let your every thought be consumed by me,
Because that means this was worth it,
And that I thought the same way you did.
I can’t stand thinking this was all in vain,
Vanity and I go hand in hand,
She keeps me sane, and loving every bit of the insanity I crave,
I wonder,
Is the body keeping you warm at night as good as me?
Does she love you the insane way I do?
Because I know no one will ever compare,
To you or to me,
And I know you’ll never have another the way you had me,
Freely, fully and insanely…
Enough to keep you coming back again and again and again
Until it wasn’t,
And I’m lying awake,
Wondering why my insanity wasn’t enough to keep you,
Crazy and bound to me.

fantasy forest

Creeping up,
Scarcely running away from my reality,
I find you,

Waiting,
As though you knew I’d stumble onto you here,

Among the chaos and the noise,
Even though I swear you were shut off forever,
Kept away for my own safety,

My own sanity.

But yet,
I found you; all on my own,
I dug deeper into the dirt,
Wandered further than I ever dared,
Finding you like a light among the trees,
Filtered and faint,

But you were waiting for me,
As though you thought I wouldn’t seek you out,
Surprised but not unwilling,
Creeping up on you,
You welcome me back with tangled webs and open thorns,
And into the dark forest we fall,
Further away from my reality
A mere fantasy that the sun shines on.

in chaos (theory)

Some days I wonder,
What’s the point,

Why fight, why yell insults back and forth,
Does it even matter any longer?
We’ve both felt this way for a long timeGoing back and forth on the promises we held dear so long ago,

I feel as though they don’t hold the same flame to our dying candle,
The devil I was drawn to,
The bad boy I feel in lust with,
A monster I could never learn to love,
Because he didn’t understand my definitions of love,
Or how they differed from his,

Give up,
This is all we can be, are meant to be,
Stop calling out to me in your desperation,
Because I can’t satisfy your cravings,
They’re too dark, too horrifying to express,
And I can’t be beholden to them anymore.
Some days I truly wonder,
Where did we think we were going,
Amongst the chaos and destruction…

Did we think we’d make it out alive?
Or unchanged,
Because we should have known better,
We always did,
Or at least used to…