bad b*tch

Bad bitch, sad bitch…can you blame a bitch?
All these lovely titles make smile, make me laugh,
Until I don’t know whether the tears came before or after
Cry me a river, or I’ll cry myself a storm,
Either one should be enough to flush you out of my system,
Still, the rain that falls from my eyes holds the toxic traits of you,
Because even when the clouds fade from my skies,
You still find a way to linger
Polluting my future, my vision,
I wish you still saw my as this goddess,
This woman who held her head high and commanded love and respect,
But you let the storms cloud your eyes too,
And now all we see is the blurred visions of what we were,
Long ago,
Or maybe not that long ago,
Maybe we simply forgot what we swore to be for each other,
Our clouds rolled in too soon to the sky,
Turning the sunny days into ominous promises,
And we let ourselves transform into the things we promised we would never,
Bad bitch, sad bitch, I am that bitch.
And let me tell you from a bitch’s point of view,
I will come out of this storm more powerful than you know to fear.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

write about you (over and over)

Are your words tired?

Of writing about me so constantly,
I miss you, in the flesh and in my mind,
But I seem to be rewriting you all the time
Can’t get you outta my head no matter how many ways I phrase you,
But you still seem to love the spotlight.

Is there any middle ground we can meet in?
Where I can express what I need,
Without overpowering my heart,
And where you can soak up the words for their meaning,
Rather than the exposure they give you…

What a pair we had made,
Would have been, could have been,
All that should have been falling between the lines,
All spoken in past tense,
Like we no longer dwell on each other
Or the lives we created without the other…

As though our chapters are closed and unable to be edited,

Are our words tired, or are they simply resting,

Waiting for the chapters to finish completely and move onto the next?
I can’t keep rewriting this story;
God knows we have to find a different outcome,
Eventually,

Because this is suffocating me,

The pages are bleeding into the same story again and again and again,
Doomed to repeat until only we are the only ones left reading them.

And we both know we are only as big as our audience,

Have your words grown tired of me?

Because mine haven’t,
And it’s the worst pattern I find myself doomed to repeat,

As I write you over and over and over…

graves we dig

Why do you still haunt me,
I buried you, dug the grave myself as I let myself fall apart,
Covered you in dirt and salt to rid you of the lies that seemed to rise from the dead,
And yet still, here you are,
A keepsake in my memory,
Like you were waiting for me to remember that I would miss you,
Miss what you represented, the thrill you gave, the danger,

And then your ghost appeared,
Summoned by my weak will and masochistic heart,
Or mind,

And you’re ready to wreck havoc on this fragility,

But I haven’t been left helpless,
I learned, I thought I did, when I walked away from you,
How to dig my way out of the dirt,
To use you in the worst ways, to justify the excuses I learned.
You created a monster,
And I only see her when I find myself staring back at the shadow I cast,
Captured in the reflection of me.

my heart screamed danger when met…

My heart screamed danger when we first met,
My instinct, my self-preservation,
They all knew the damage you would wreck onto this heart of mine,
But as a fool in love I thought it was the danger of falling in love,

The thought that you would change me and consume me in the most passionate ways,

How could I have known the danger was you all a long…?
How did I ignore the signs and keep them close all in the same vision;

Everything in me knew you would change me, even then,
And I still can’t imagine who I would be without your damage…

For better or worse, vows made in haste and coated sugar
I like to think I had to endure this to become who I am today,

(or at least that’s how the sugar tastes on my tongue,
as it burns the back of my throat as I spit it back to you..)

For without you, I would never know the beauty of these scars of mine,
These burns that ignite the fighter in me,
I should have listened to my heart,
My head, my soul,
I knew I would never have truly stopped myself for sinking into you…

haunting me (and you)

Do you think of me anymore?
Do I still haunt your thoughts; keep you questioning your worth?
I’ll admit, you’re still here, doing the very same,
And I can’t understand why,
I mean I know, I know I let you have this small power over me,
But I can no longer remember why,
Not when you have lost your power, over so much time,
And so much assurance,
Still I find myself falling back into your wicked schemes when I need an enemy,
To justify my own demons,
To explain yours…I can’t remember whose came first,

Who’s started the war without our own insecurities,
Should I be proud I still haunt yours the way you do mine?
Or is it just a testimony to how much more we need to grow…
Up, apart, or simply flat line,
Anything to get us out of this cycle,
Is there a way out?
Because I would love to know, even if you’re the only one with an answer,
I’ll gladly take it…anything to spare myself of this doomed cycle…

is this what it means to be a coward?

It’s lazy, like I forget that I should be concerned about something right now,

But I just roll my shoulders,
Smile and don’t let my mind linger on one thought too long,

I can’t be responsible for what it strays to,

I can’t control her,
Though I pretend I can, pretend I care,
Tied down and yet able to cut the bides that tie me as easily as they ensnare me,

Is that what it means to be a coward?

To always have an escape in case things got messy,
In case you got messy…?

Ready to run when feelings get to deep, the emotions run to high they can’t be contained in a single instance,

And I can’t reason with them.

the taste of you has changed

The taste of you has changed,
I can’t tell when I noticed
Or I got so used the bitter aftertaste I just refused to acknowledge the difference,
Assumed my taste had changed, with you, and without
But we are different,
You and I, you, or me,
Or maybe us,

But something has changed,
I can’t handle that,
Can we ever fix it?
Or are we doomed to grow tired of the other
Once we’ve moved on from us…
I can’t fix this;
I need to, need to be the one to bring us back together,
Otherwise what power will I have left?

If I can’t swallow, or devour us whole,
Is there even anything left to sink my teeth into,

Wait…this can’t be right,

I thought, I hoped I could still taste you after all,
But it seems you’ve danced around this far longer than I,
And have become out of my reach,

You no longer melt in my mouth the way you did when we first met,
And I no longer seem to have the stomach for whatever you’ve become.
So we find ourselves stuck at the table, not wanting to finish what we started,
Simply scraps of what had once been so delicious, so tempting,
Now nothing but a cold, hollow void I know I will never be able to fill…

to see forever

You told me we would see forever,
Under the stars and the moon,
As timeless as they were,

A fool, I was, to believe that we could ever amount to the stars,
I suppose the stars in my eyes blinded me from seeing what you truly meant,

That there was only magic in your words, but no meaning behind them,
But I’ll still blame the darkness for not being able to see you as you were,

And I was a fool all the same.

redemption and its funny things,

You thought I would be the redemption to your sins.
The grace that would forgive you in the eyes of all you wronged
And I wish you had been mine
But it seems we only invited different demons into our hearts,
And they made friends with the ones already thriving in these chaotic souls,
I suppose that’s what we get for believing ourselves worthy of such a gracious gift,
Love, in its many forms,
Can never be the same for those of us who shunned her for so long.

I wish I believed in love the way you once had,
Effort and work and passion that created such a beautiful thing
It was the envy of those who whispered behind your back,
The creator of the lies you would soon tell yourself to keep up the façade,
The reasons why we find ourselves here, now…
I once believed redemption was my only answer,
Did I have to answer for every wrong I’ve committed?
Or did I simply have to play the part of the humbled, changed for the better, person?
Would you be able to see through me,
Know that I was playing the game as much as it once played me.