open…

What if we did this thing all in the open?
I knew the corners you snuck around,
You knew the shadows I hide in…
What if we knew who the other saw
Who we were spending the night with,
When I wasn’t with you, and you weren’t with me,
What if we came out into the daylight,
And admitted we were open to suggestion,
Not under the moon and her stars,
Because clearly we needed the help,
Needed the chance to claim we weren’t exclusive,
Weren’t everything the other needed,
And that hurts,
To not be everything you need, everything you want
But I know it’s bigger than me, maybe,
I can’t be sure anymore,
What if is such a dangerous game,
For me and you,
Should we take a chance, and hope to get lucky.
Or shall we play that what if game once more,
And hope we open up just enough to figure out where we lie in this mess…?

What’s In A Name…

What’s in a name?
Is it the spelling, the way random letters make a whole person?
The way seeing it written brings forth warm feelings and memories of my time with you,
Or is it the sound? The echoes of each syllable that remind me of you
The way you smile when everything is crumbling around me,
Or the ways your eyes light up when they find mine?
Regardless, it’s your name I whisper each night to keep me calm,
You name that echoes in my heart,
Keeping it beating and hopelessly in love,
With a name that makes you everything to me.

What’s in a name? The power they have over us,
Or that they can bring forth memories and tragedies we longed to forget.
Is it the way that there are those that have ruined certain names for me?
And all those who carry it,
It’s not their fault I know,
But I still cringe when I hear it uttered,
Look over my shoulder to see if it they’re there.
And the power of those few names echoes within me,
A desperate cry for closure I know I’ll never be granted.

What’s in a name…

Just a small thing that defines everything,
Turns places into homes, people titles and power they don’t always deserve.
But, a name can be everything,
Call it out, shout it to anyone listening,
A simple sound uttered when I need you most,
The object of all my affections and love,
How our associations with such a small, simple thing,
Creates a beautiful bond without a definitive name.

peices ( you left)

We both know,
You’ll be gone in the morning,
It has to happen,
Fate, cruelty, life,
It doesn’t matter the name we give it,
It won’t make it hurt any less,
You’ll be gone,
And I’ll be here left to pick up the pieces of what you left behind,
And you’ll have no idea the damage it will cause,
No idea the hurt, the anger, the agony I’ll suffer,
Quietly, behind close doors,
Because no one can know how much you affected me,
They’ll say you weren’t worth it,
Not worth my time nor my tears,
And they aren’t wrong,
But they’ll never know.
And then, after time moves on the only way she knows how,
After my steps get lighter, and my heart lifts a little more off my chest,
You’ll manage to find your way back here,
Crawling, needy and shaken from what life threw your way,
And time will never let you get back,
And I’ll be here,
But not the way you left me,
And you’ll never know what to call it,
Because I no longer cruse your name…I don’t whimper it in my sleep,
And I no longer have any more pieces left to pick up after you.

bathroom tiles

The light reflects off the bathroom tiles,
Littering the walls, the floors,
With fragmented moments, thoughts scattered and I can’t feel the cold anymore,
It’s too dark wherever I turn,
So I stare at those small reflections,
Hoping they would make sense of what just happened,
Can it make sense?
Do we ever come back from this
….can I ever come back from that?
Saying those words, the hurt and trauma laced in the fear I flashed back to,
But, that’s done, over with, but the fact that I still glimpse them in those overwhelming
moments,
Perhaps that still takes over me, when wish it didn’t, when I thought I was better,
The lights are as dull now as my emotions,
Coming down from the high,
I can’t even form an expression, feel anything,
But I still remain on the floor,
Tracing the tiles, too ashamed to stagger to my feet,
To embarrassed to face you like this,
We have so much left to say,
But I can’t seem to find the words anymore,
And the bathroom tiles remain silent,
As the light flickers and seems to point back to you…

singing praises

Why sing praises,
When I can never think of any,
Nothing good at least,
Am I supposed to come clean?
Scrub myself, to the bone, to remove your trace on me,
Express myself in ways that make me raw and like you.
Because I can’t find any trace of you,
And for that I’m glad,
I can never sing your praises,
Because I never found anything worth my voice,
Worth my words, worth the feelings you find in other dedications,
Saturated in sweetness and sour,
It never painted a pretty picture of us,
Perhaps it never could, we just weren’t meant to have hymns and sonnets,
Building like a sinking stone,
Resentment never looked good on anyone

with you,

Living, laughing with you,
It was everything I needed,
Wanted,
And yet I still find myself closed off at certain exits,
To keep myself safe?
To keep you safe…?
I can’t bring myself to answer those questions honestly,
Not yet, but that doesn’t make sense,
Because its been years,
By now my barriers should have broken down,
The rains and storms torn at it, little by little,
And still,
Instinct kicks in and my guards are up,

Always,

Even with you,
And I hate it, but I cant stop it,
Because it kept me save, hidden all these years,
SO there has to be something there,
Something, it has to be,
Because then I would be able to make some sense of it,
It has to be, has to have a reason,
Jesus, please.
Living and laughing changed when I met you,
Maybe it simply takes time,
( jesus please..)

blank letters

I mailed you a letter today,
Again,
Signed my name, on the letter at the bottom,
Not on the envelope,
Hoping you would open it to find out,
But we’ve been dancing around these words for years,
I suppose you know I’ll always write you letters,
Mailing my heart piece by piece,
Until I have nothing left to give,
And you don’t even have the decent to return it.
But maybe it’s because you never asked to be loved by me,
And I suppose we can’t fault our hearts wants,
But I wanted you,
And you wanted me too, once before,
What happened to the one who responded to my letters,
With phrases of love and happiness, of the future we could have had,
Did you get lost in the chaos of the words,
Did they scare you, did you forget to pick the pen back up after you threw is aside,
I wrote you a letter, to explain myself, hopping you’d do the same,
And now,
All I have left are empty envelopes and,
Blank pages to imagine what you would have wrote.

 

reset player one (all alone)

I wish things were as easy as others make it,
I love you, breathless and weight lifting,
That hardest choice isn’t as hard when it’s the obvious answer you sought,But no,

They never make things that easy,
Life has a way of reminding us we are still small players in the grand set,
And no one is ahead of the curve.
But, things were easier with you,
Life didn’t seem as unbearable or lonely,

So I played and played,
Our tag team duo made it worth it.
But what do you do when your partner taps out?
Calls it quits on you,
Without a moments notice…

Guess it’s back to the start,
All alone, player one, all alone,
Its time to reset and reform,
But the game is so much more daunting without you,
Ready player one, all alone…

falsehoods to create

Fond memories always come at the worst time,
And I can’t seem to help but smile when I think of you
The way things were,
The way things maybe could have been,
But the past is the past,
We’ve moved towards something better than what we were,
And that’s what it needs to be,

Fond memories aren’t as fond when I remember more deeply,
More Sharply related to the core of the problems we faced,
But it was nice to blotch a better picture to envision,
This smile feels hollow,
Painted on painfully now,
And now I can’t stop the memories flooding,
Of things that were and weren’t,
The ways it was all so much, too much and never enough,
It was always easier to forget that hurt and damage you still caused,
Fond memories, what bullshit,
We were never the type for fondness.
But we loved to lie to ourselves every chance we get,
So here’s to the false memories we built around each other,
And I’ll down them with another glass of whatever helps the memories stop
.

shaded space

I have no more words,
I feel like I’ve laid them all out,
On paper, with ink, on the screen with that cursor blinking back at me,
I’ve written all there is to say about you,
But you still end up in everything I do,
Every word I write, every creative sentence,
I find traces of you,

And it’s haunting,

But in a way that holds an eerie amount of comfort,
To keep you so close, but this delusion isn’t good for me,
Because I can’t live forever in a memory,
A shade of what we used to be and could have been…
But if you’re the only thing my mind comes back,
Will you ever truly leave me?
And it scares me that I think the honest answer is no…