reach…

I reach for you,
But you aren’t the way I remember,
I’m desperate to change you, to make you the way you are in my mind,
If only because that brings me comfort, in the familiarity,
And I can’t be bothered to change that,
To leave the safety of the known and sane,
Or maybe it’s the insane that I’ve grown so used to,
Regardless, I reach for the version of you I hope to remake in my mind,

And what I find neither angers nor placates me
It’s just you,
And the way you have always been,
I can’t recognize the good I had before I tried to change it,
So the damage is mine and mine alone to claim,
But I’ve never, I won’t,
Because that means I was wrong,
Wrong in trying to change you,
Change you to match the version I needed you to be,
My needs above yours,

I haven’t learned the lessons life has beaten into me,
And I never told myself I was wrong before,
That would mean you were something I couldn’t control,
And I reach for you now,
Surprised and yet not to find you no longer there…

smile darling (can’t let the world know you’re mad)

Grin and bear it,
Put a smile to make that face pretty,
Sweet and docile,
It makes it easier to glance over you as they dismiss you,
How many times are we told to accept what we cannot change?
And never learn to change what is,
Too long I’ve let you dictate my words, my choices
My mannerisms,
But I can’t stay quiet anymore,
These thoughts have built and exploded from my lips,
The weight of them lifted off my chest,
I can’t stop—do I want to?
It’s so liberating to say what I feel, what I think,
And to know that nothing of you can control me any longer,
Because I removed the thoughts of you from my opinions,
Which means I no longer care what you think, in case you didn’t read between the lines,
I know it isn’t easy when thing aren’t going according to plan,
But no worries darling, I promise to make the easy for you to follow,
Grin, smile form ear to ear,
Bear the weight of all you’ve done under the guise of smile,
Because it’s so much easier to not let the world deal with your emotional turmoil sweetie,
Once you calm down I’m sure we can discuss why my words make you feel so many things, so much anger and conflicting
thoughts,
And I can’t wait to hear the calm logic and manly wisdom that comes from being bested by a woman you sought to keep beneath you.

stuck…

The words a stuck in my throat,
The ache in them making it harder to breath,
But still I can’t manage to utter them,

…because that gives them life,
And I’ll never be able to take them back once spoken.
I wish I were meaner, colder,
That I didn’t care what they would do to you.

And some words I let fly so freely I’m amazed I have no shame in saying them,
And then there are these words, that I let sit on my tongue,
Let the taste of them sit in my mouth and weigh their consequences,

…how do we know the difference between them…
This time the words don’t come,
They know before I do that their damage is irreversible,
And in my anger I don’t care,
I want to scream them.
Let you know the hurt and sadness you caused in my heart,

But…
Nothing comes out,
Nothing my the sorrowful sigh and the tears,

And I choke on them,
The emotion, the worry and anger.

I let them stay,
Drink them down with something bitter and soothing,
And wait to deal with you, them, when I can swallow freely.

control, lack there of

You see behind this façade,
This mask so poorly place in front of my eyes,
Trying to hide myself from your view.
I can’t look too much longer,
My eyes aren’t strong enough to hold yours,
Knowing I can’t back my thoughts with defense mechanisms,
Knowing you’ll see right though them.

Sometimes I wish this was easier,
Mind readers and falling stars each night,
So damn romantic we can’t stand it,
But that’s not what life is,
Its complicated and messy and nothing like what I picture in my head.
These situations don’t go my way because I’m not the only one in them,
And that kills me,
Because you can’t control how others will react,
And the lack of control cripples me,

My soul responding to the chaos,
My heart left to pick up what’s left in its disaster.
You say you can see beyond the façade,
Read me as well as the back of you hand,
But let me ask you,
Why do you think its up in the first place?
Surely not to keep you out,
But maybe to keep to in,
Locked onto the mystery I give you over and over again…

Words Spoken

“Darling, that dress has always looks better on the floor,”
I know, I think. That’s why I wore the dress.
But you already figured me out, there’s that knowing look in your eyes.
Selfishly, I crave your attention. Dress my self up and put me on display for all to see.

“Oh baby girl, look at how you smile in the light,
Dressed in your Sunday best, with thoughts of your dirty Saturday night,”
Your words dance around my brain as your fingers trace my thigh.
The lace seemingly out of place against my skin.

“It’s easy to play a saint among sinner, with a lover a beautiful as the fallen angel,”
I say, and you smile then, like I finally said something that made sense.
This is hardly the place to succumb to such desires, I know,
But it’s hard to think when you look at me that way.

“Why don’t we get outta here, have an adventure all our own?”
You’re standing before I finish the though, tripping to get to the car.
Adrenaline always ran high in lovers actually in love,
As our bodies desperately seeking relief among the flirting touches and caresses.

This Run Down Bar

Listen to the words I sing into the mic, sensual and desperate,
Feeling good and different, knowing it can’t be the alcohol warming your veins.
These words, they will capture you in a trance, letting you sway,
But don’t sway too far to one side,
Because than you will no longer be able to feel what I do.

Love is but a background noise, in this run down little bar,
First you are not sure what you hear,
Words mumbled and lyrics sung on a key to low to be heard the first time.
Then, you are curious, ears perked as you strain to listen,
Not knowing that once you’ve heard her the siren song,
You would never be able to go without.

It’s not like the relationships you watch through rose-colored lens,
Scripted and written with just enough tragedies to be romantic.
But I still crave the feeling I’ve never been able to define.

The chaos in the beauty of this thing called love was always hard to hear,
Few could ever amount to something as timeless and composed,
But, now, she has become an all-consuming thing,
Every thought, every action and everything is because of her,
And you struggle to find who you are without her,
(But you adore what she has turned you into,
Smart mouth and ever feeling and emotional to a fault).
So let’s stop thinking about the timing of it all.
And just know that we made the best out of what little time we had.

Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

Oh, Well

There was a legend about the well in the garden,
Where the vines have grown past their heights,
And the flowers bloom all year round.
But this tale has not to do with nature,
But rather the tragedies that becomes it and its creations,

A fated pair of lovers would meet by this well for as long as could be remember,
It was said to bring luck and love to those who drank from the depths.
So years past, and the lovers could not seem to contain any happiness,
Greedy and eager, making more enemies than friends; too in love with themselves,
Until they fell down the brick hole, swallowed by the depth they once drank from.

A pair of sibling once drank from this well,
Their bond pushing them past the leaves and into the skies,
Yet their feet never seemed to leave the rocks and gravel below,
Until one brother climbed up over his other,
To mesmerized by the stars to watch as his other feel into the darken waters below.

I could tell you about the countless persons to drink from the waters of this well,
But none could tell you their downfall, eyes centered at the bottom of a ripple.
So I sit on top the well, fingers grazing the waters dripping from the bucket,
How could people be captured by the well and its serenity, and,
Not see the poison lingering from the vines and their deadly hold?

a royal affair

The taste of you still lingers on my lips,
Whiskey and honey all wrapped in one, so sweet,
I couldn’t taste the poison lurking beneath those sinful lips and that talented tongue.
But, oh, these wine stained lips were always popular among mistresses,
And the apothecary has a talent for bringing back the dead,
So kiss me while I’m sill naked and begging, my crown scattered,
Wanting you to climb inside and taint the very essence of me.
The high class always did need to go out with a bang.

Poison never tasted as sweet than when you’ve licked if off a forbidden fruit.
While the moon is high and the sun hides behind a lustful gaze,
Let us fornicate among these proclaimed royals,
Where the jokers and court jesters blush as they peak through their fingers,
Licking their lips at the taste of all the kisses the French court has to offer,
And the King fucks maids, grabbing any warm body that comes their way,
The Queen can only get off when two knights praise her body,
Making love to all the many royal advisors and attendants she has,
But don’t let the King know that ill-kept secret.

So, come my sleeping princess, prick yourself on more than a wooden spindle,
And watch your blood flow from more than that delicate finger,
For the royal life cannot be all parties and sex and fine dining,
There must be pain and heartbreak so delicious it makes your toes curl,
Bend over; lift those skirts, and expose that shame you hide,
Red from more than the flush descending beneath your neckline,
And let yourself get lost in the anticipation of a royal affair,
Here, there is always more to late night balls than a pretty face and sultry gowns,
All you have to do is open the wooden doors that lead to the chambers
And let yourself be swept away by a magic to dirty to appear anytime before midnight.

Chasing Stars

Let’s chase the stars together, catching the wind and her stories,
Each whispered so gently; I missed the most important parts when you wandered off, running to catch you, but you were already far too gone…
Mine to have, mine to hold, but you were like the tide,
Falling in and out with the moon, coming and going with the night sky,
You were mine once, but this love was gentle, so gentle, too gentle,
That one strong gust of wind came, and you were gone.
She carried you off, let you dance onto the next cloud,
And I was left alone in that meadow,
Wishing on a star that had already granted another’s wish….