Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

Oh, little girl

There once was a little girl, who the world thought of,
The one on every sympathy card, the one stashed under every bed,
She was someone’s everything, and everyone’s something,
Forever immortalized by the feelings of sinners and damned alike.
She longed for things outside of what fate had predestined,
But, the stars never aligned for just any mortal soul,
So she waited and contemplated, tracing those balls of light with her lips,
Never knowing that her fate had long been sealed on the promise of a stolen kiss.

Little girl, what happens to you when you’re no longer someone’s first choice?
Please, call the masses among the buried to rise up like a phoenix from the ashes,
Sign your name in blood on the dotted line,
For that’s the only truth you have left to your name.
Once you’ve committed you’ll never realize you’re chained,
Until you long for freedom beyond the bars
And the beauty of an open sky beyond the ground.

Little girl, sweet, delusion little girl,
Pray on your knees all you like, the angels have no ear for sinners,
Maybe if you tried a little harder, the winged folk would bless you with an audience,
But what kind of audience would be granted? Sweetie, that has yet to be determined,
So let’s force you to your knees once more,
After all, don’t sinners love to be buried under the pleasure of humiliation?

Little girl, were you always afraid to feel so deeply?
To act on the very things that forces their way into the darkest parts of your heart,
Perhaps that was your only way of coping with the horrors you’d be faced with,
Locking your heart up with the rest of that sensitive soul,
But, you know that those souls are the best served with false redemption,
So say goodbye to your demons, for Hell has no use for mortal made sins,
And sink to your knees once more, the best sight for the angels to see is a demon repenting for the sins that aren’t their own,
Let’s us hope, dear little girl, that your sacrifice proves worthy to the Gods above,
For I’ve never heard of a demon turned angel based of wishful thinking alone.

The Trouble with Angels

The trouble with angels, my dear,
Is the question; how hard have they fallen for you to find one? Trapped on Earth
Down, down, down they fall. Losing their grace with every wilted feather,
Stranded with only the knowledge of something better, trapped,
Within the bounds of heavenly law, only to find temptations all around,
Oh darling, that’s immortality, wrapped pretty in red and around every corner.

The trouble with love, my dear,
Is the thoughts and emotions that complicate a complex feeling.
To give myself away with so little a risk I thought I’d once take,
But the fall from grace and how easily the unforgiving were cast out,
Makes me think otherwise. What a silly feeling love has been known to be.
If love is suppose to be a nameless, beautiful divine thing,
Why are we all damned for fighting wars over her?

The trouble with you, my dear,
Is how easy I find myself drawn to you, with that body and those eyes,
Pulling me in with every smile and drawn out lullaby,
I can’t decide how good you’ll be for me, but lets have fun trying to figure it out.
Let’s take our time exploring the seven sins, some more than once,
Drag me down to you, and I’ll sing praises and hymns from between your legs,
Make me see the stars as the angels once did, unfiltered and raw,
So love me now, or never, the choice is yours,
But know that a fruit so forbidden is bound to be rotten in some ways.
And this war we’ve waged on our hearts, let us put them to good use,
Tongues clashing, fingers gripping hard; prove to me that love is physical and real.
Only once we crash into the Earth as the angels did, can we rise to the heavens,
Sinful and satisfied from the Earthly pleasures we chose to explore.

fantasy forest

Creeping up,
Scarcely running away from my reality,
I find you,

Waiting,
As though you knew I’d stumble onto you here,

Among the chaos and the noise,
Even though I swear you were shut off forever,
Kept away for my own safety,

My own sanity.

But yet,
I found you; all on my own,
I dug deeper into the dirt,
Wandered further than I ever dared,
Finding you like a light among the trees,
Filtered and faint,

But you were waiting for me,
As though you thought I wouldn’t seek you out,
Surprised but not unwilling,
Creeping up on you,
You welcome me back with tangled webs and open thorns,
And into the dark forest we fall,
Further away from my reality
A mere fantasy that the sun shines on.

and snap…

How much can it be bent until it snaps?
The questions lingers,
Salty on my tongue,
Hesitation written on my face,

But the words are bursting from my lips before I can stop them.
I wish I didn’t jump,
Didn’t default to these feelings of doubt and insecurity,
But, some days I wonder if that’s all I’m made of,

If some days they’re easier to ignore,
And others they scream at me until I feed their negativity,
Twist, pull, scratch and crane over nothing,
How much can I bend until I snap?

what is it to you?

It’s a jump-start,
A trigger, embracing the impact of a fatal run,
It’s like falling over and over again,
Smooth like the river you lead me to,
To swim in, to drown me,
Shock to the system, as the cold water rushed to my lungs,
And all that still didn’t send my running,
I fought the current,
I hugged the bullet closer to my heart,
As though it would consume me and reject the pain,
Pushing it far away from me,
And hating that it leaves,
Because what am I without it?
What do I do when you aren’t there?
It’s that vulnerable sense of invincibility,
Running away from the one thing that will never leave,
Over and over and over again.

misery loves company

My misery loves company,
Anything to hype her up,
I’m tired of entertaining,
Can you take over for a while?
Run through my mazes for a while,
Try not to get lost,
It can be a bit chaotic in there,
But I need to rest,
I’ve fought so long,
Against you, my own demons,
And the dangers they present,
Or maybe the temptation to cling to, I can no longer tell,
Or even if there is a difference between the right and wrong things to cling to in anger,
My misery,
She loves miserable pieces of shit,
When will she learn they never have what she’s truly looking for?
When will she know that misery is still misery
no matter how deeply it’s loved…?

a crutch

When did the drink become a crutch,
Rather than a good time?
When…where… did I learn to rely so heavily on it?
Or rather, who?
I can’t remember the day it became obvious,
Or maybe, the switch was slow,
Like the second hand of the clock,
Moving just enough to not notice until it was too late,
Did you teach me the right way?
The proper way to turn to the glass over everything
My reliant; my sanctuary and my graveyard…
Living life to the very edge until I fall over,
Never know which drunken stupor would embrace me at the bottom.

Texts at 3AM

My thoughts sit in their white bubble, three dots bouncing on the screen,
Thoughts at 3AM always seem to find their way onto the keyboard.
My thumb hovering over the little arrow that could change everything,
But these letters are words that will never make their way into your messages,
So I watch them disappear in the space of what could have been.

Know that it hurts to keep these thoughts and emotions and screams bottled inside,
For the power they hold over me is suffocating.
(But I know you can find the chemicals and thrills to free me from these confides),
My mind reeling from a chaos of its own making,
And I drown in the words that refuse to leave my throat.
Now, you know me; every twisted version I have,
Faces masked and true intents discovered under the rubble,
But that never scared you from exploring all of me,
So please paint me with vivid colors and haunting images of a story untold,
And for you, these words will be your lullaby, a comfort buried in time.

My fingers seem to have a mind of their own,
Wanting you to know every thought and feeling as it is happening.
Texts at 3AM always seem to find their way out of the chaos of my mind,
The words light up your phone in the silence of a breaking dawn,
When the Earth is her stillest, and the chaos is dozing in the darkness.
Let’s not pretend that this won’t be an upheaval among the valley,
But let us know that what we rebuild will be beautiful and timeless.

Time comes to a halt as I hold my breath,
You may not know the importance of this text.
It is so much easier to let it pour when no one can see.
So I hide behind the protection of my phone and her peace,
Watching as delivered turns into read,
Anxious and relieved, I pace, to see how you respond to a vulnerable heart,
I wait and wait, watching your three dots bounce on the white screen

To Stare At The Sun

I resent the night, knowing she is a force of nature,
One the gods fear and man would crumble beneath,
Just for the blessing of a new dawn,
Of a promise built once upon a false sunrise.
I look to those around me,
Waiting to be blessed by the murky waters and the promises of a false God,
And know that we await the same fate
Watching as the sun fades into the sky, and the earth grows dark.
As mud dulls the moon, reflected in the shadows on the water,
There are no stars to be found on a night like this,
Guided by the darkness, it is no wonder many of us fall astray.

When you appear, you look like a lover of my youth,
Shrouded in sex and hope and a thrill of danger.
And I breathe in the sigh that falls from my lips.
I will ask you for a patience I can no longer give,
And I hope to drown in forgiveness only you can grant.
But you cannot give either, and let your fingers roam my body.
I try to think, to form a sense of thought,
But the embers have ignited my core, and all I can think of is you.
Your touch, your lips and the things you might do to me hidden in the darkness.
And the people stare, yet I yield into your lust, driven by pure need alone.
I cannot explain why I come to you each night after, but you know the answer.
For my body speaks what my mind is unable to.

Between Heaven and Hell, I can no longer tell the difference between the two.
For why would a god create something so sinful in ecstasy?
But the gods have a cruel sense of humor,
And I play into their hands as easily as I fall into your bed.
So while we fall into a wicked habit that others around begin to feed into,
I grow arrogant and powerful, fueled by the need, the seductiveness.
As our corrupt love takes hold, I fall fast and hard.
Knowing that your sin would be too powerful for grace alone,
I sacrifice more than I should, and give away my heart,
In the hopes you will grow to love an emotion blessed by the gods.
But you grow tired of my fondness and devotion.
And the congregation develops a need for a new immoral thrill.
So I find myself right back a the edge of that powerful force,
Unaware that I have fallen to the thing I once resented.
She has your love, your loyalty, and your dependence.
Where I have the memory of a night filled with lustful abandonment.
And perhaps this is where I begin to kneel at the muddy waters,
Praying to a false god who whispered promise a new dawn,
Only to be trapped in your never-ending twilight.