to know that it means to love without you…

I had to learn the hard way what it meant to love without you,

believe me, it sucked.

It was raw and painful and it attacked everything I was so ready to cling to in the absence of you,
Made my reality without you all the more vulnerable and full of hurt.
Because letting you go was admitting you never wanting to stay,

And I know you wanted to,
This meant something to you,

It had to,

Right…please tell me it did,

Fuck, I can’t handle it if it didn’t.

How does someone do that?

Pour their heart out and then act like it never happened…
or maybe I was deluded into thinking your heart had any part to play,
But…I can’t help but to wish I never knew the answer

It shattered me,

Torn me into tiny pieces for the next soul who would try to paint love onto the cracks embedded in my heart,

I wish you hadn’t been the one to teach me what it meant to love,
Because then at least my heart would have had a fighting chance,

But now, she’s a mess, torn to the seams and left to catch the wind,
In hopes it would take her far, far away from the love she knew and into the arms of an evil she could fight,
That way she could mend, hardened and earn that bitterness,
To ever feel again.

to be 18 and in love

I haven’t thought about you in so long,
Not since my heart was 18 and so pure in love
Young and innocent, eager to feel everything
But, even after all this time, it seems my heart remembers you,
Little things only, because too much time has past for us to have every amounted to anything,
But such a power those little things hold still,
And I wish love were as simply as it was when we were 18,
It gave me hope and joy, and…something I’ve lost in my wisdom and age,
And perhaps that is why I remember you so fondly now,
Seeking a happier, a cherished time when the world made more sense,
Where love was what was given and earned,
Not taken and manipulated,
Oh, to be young and dumb and in love…

spoken words (I’m drunk)

I’m drunk, I have to be,
Because the honesty sits on my tongue like its ready to spill out

I’m ready to scream it,

If only to show to that I feel it so strongly,
I feel what we hide, what we shyly coy away from yet can’t resist,

And we become trapped in the never-ending cycle of taboo and thrill,
Longing to be connected.

I swear my intention for the night started off well,

Good even, but they seem to have a mind of their own,
Those damn intentions,

Willing to bend and mold to whatever will get them further to you,

But darling they will never break, because that would mean I would have to face the reality of the weapon you created.

Heart cold thought her ice creates fragility at the same time,
She craves intimacy and longs to destroy the need,

I must be drunk.

You’ve poisoned me, I would never say these things aloud,

Or have I fought you far to long that I’ve grown weary

Letting these thoughts become words that once spoken aloud cannot be unsaid,
And they would start the a new cycle we would never be able t escape from.

a song for you

Why do I still sing about you,
Let my words always find you in the lost notes,
The lost cords and keys that compose anything other that the thoughts of you,
Or will you forever live in me,
As a part of me that I can never be free of,

I’m not sure how to feel about that,

Does it give me satisfaction, to know that I have a purpose, always and forever in the form of you,
Or should I let the shame wash over me,
because you were the one thing I could never get past, and that alone is shameful,
Because the song never moves on, never hears another melody other than the one you’ve imprinted in my soul,

And here I am…

Doomed to keep you on repeat until my scars have mended and my heart healed…
And still, the softness of you, the delicate grace of you touches me in ways I will never allow another,
My keys glide towards familiar notes, strung out in your harmonies and love,

Love…

Is that still a word I am able to use with you?

Because I think I will never know a love than the one I knew when I sang for you, about you,
The words came for bittersweet and flowed beautifully off this broken heart,
Still searching for you,
And hoping one day, my words, and these desperate cords will reach you…

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

we need the change.

Frozen,

I can’t stop staring, listening,

The words are so broken,
I don’t even know what to make of them.
The emotion behind them, the hate, the love, the sadness,

God it breaks me,

I wish I couldn’t, shut my eyes and ears,

Enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance,
Because there has to be an answer to this,
A flicker of relief for my assurances,
Isn’t that all we’re reduced to,
Our own fragile hearts and how much they can handle,

(I’ll tell you it isn’t much, one crack, and they shatter into pieces)

How much more can we take,
The lies, the abuse the blatant disregard for any decent humanity,

I can’t believe we’ve lost it all.

Have we become such a broken state that we no longer know that it feels like to be whole…?
I’ve no power left with this privilege life dealt me,
And god knows I’ve tried to use the best way I can,
Wielding the mistakes and wrongs to educate and learn from my past,

But it’ never good enough, never powerful enough,

And I hate that the world reduces us to this powerless feeling on inadequacy,
Of lonesome and failings

Of everything we never hoped we would be…

young and dumb, moth drawn to the flame

Do I make you proud,

When I make you look good in the eyes of the world?

Does it help erase the sins you commit,
Because you’re able to paint a different picture in the eyes of your accusers,

When I play the part you need?

Do you think we don’t know the story you play out in this twisted fantasy
Twisted reality we cannot deny,

Do you know we all cam to play the parts assigned?

All to help you play pretend jut a little while longer,
Because what are we if not all fools for the same cause,
Moths drawn to their death flame and loving every minute of it.

I was so young when I saw the truth,

A covered glance and dusty texts of desperate measures,
Thank you for airing out these grievances, when everyone but you brought them to light,
Then, locking them in the doubt of darkness for as long as I sought answers.

I thought myself a fool, the only one left, who saw something more in you,

But I was the best at fooling myself,
Because I knew there was no hope, no more reasons why to help save you from this fate,

And I can’t even be mad at it,

Do I still make you proud?

For rebelling against your lies and darkness,
And forming my own path, bursting in the light and golden bricks of the road paved…
All down the yellow brick road,
We’ll find the truth somewhere in the land of fantasy…

hazy in….

Hazy filled thoughts,

Remind me why we aren’t meant to act on them?
Because I can’t seem to care at this moment,

All I can think about is you
And everything that comes with being yours
The way your hands must feel on such sensitive skin,
What elicited cries you’ll bring from my throat,
I blush just thinking about it

I can’t stop my wandering eyes, or my wandering hands,
As they drift lower and lower,
Finding that spot that makes me sing the croons the sweetest of sins,
My body knows what she wants,
And she drips at the thought of your hands claiming what belongs to them,
Eager for that release only you can give,

Relapse; repeat, again,
I’ve fallen into this habit of you,

Dazed, so out of touch with the reality I present,
Can you bring me to the edge and be the very same who pushes me over,
Or must I find that release somewhere else,

In the hazy thoughts that are clouded by you and you alone…
My eyes and hands have begun to wander again.
You can’t hold be accountable for that comes next…

candle in the wind

Goddamn you’re so close,
I can touch you; graze the tips of my fingers against your cheek,
But I can never grasp you in your entirety
And it kills me, to know the perfect soul for mine is found,
Yet so far from my reach,
What does this mean?
Is this my own personal hell I created—
To long for the one I can never have, never touch,
What kind of life is this supposed to be?

Am I meant to write sad love songs to your heart,
Hoping you’ll take pity upon my feverish gaze and look back at me
Or were we meant to be the fire that ignites our souls
Sets a flame to a love so pure it burns us blind in love,
And as quick as we burn, we fade into smoke and ash…

I hate that I can’t figure it out,
Can’t figure you out,
I’d be a fool to not fall in love with you,
Or a fool all the same to fall,
But I can’t imagine my heart could be anything better than with you in her.
And now all I’m left with is the candle I hold to your lips,
I’ll hold onto the flame
And pray you don’t blow it out.

i don’t have the answer…

The tears come unexpectedly,
Then again, I suppose tragedies always come whenever they please,
Neither caring nor acknowledging the lives they destroyed after taking one,
Simply moving on, why does time make it look so easy?

Or is it easy because it isn’t trapped, frozen in the spot where your heart broke,
Where you whole axis shifted to deal with something you never dreamed
And a piece of your soul vanishes in a blink of an eye as the hand falls from your grasp…

The tears come now, almost like clock work
At the expected time,
Like my heart knows its time to mourn you,
But I can’t let myself, because that means missing you is now my new normal,
And I don’t know what normal is without you there,
I don’t want to,
Not ready to take another step without you holding my hand,
Guiding me—I can’t, I’ll fall, stumble,
I can’t get up, I’m afraid I’ll live forever down here,
Crying over you,
Clinging to a dream I’ll pray to never wake from,
A pray to never know the end to,
Even though my reality reminds me ever time I open my eyes…

The tears flow and they seem to never stop,
And I know time with lessen their meaning,
And maybe stop them from fall altogether,
But,
I’ll still be living in my dreamland,
Where you laugh and cry with me,
Never letting go of my hand…