Missing a You I Never Knew

You and I met too soon in this life to be anything but distant tale,
Lost among the battles and trials of a forgotten war.
Our story had been recorded times and times before,
Each ending slightly different and each battle fought for different reasons,
But every outcome was that of a love lost, heart broken, a better half vanished.

I miss the way we used to talk,
Hours and hours of meaningless conversation,
Unburdened by the feelings and chaos of a worrisome heart.
I miss the way you would talk to only me,
About things that never seemed important but were so much more,
When we were blinded by our innocence and a fascination of this rediscovered feeling.
I miss the smile that only I would see, missing you, who I would never know.
I miss the easy comfort I found in your presence,
Never worrying for too long about thing I couldn’t control, and I miss
The gestures and feelings I only entertained for you.

We had conquered this empire once before, maybe in another life,
But the times have changed and the battles have grown deadlier.
And for all our skills and armor and tactics,
We fell victim yet again to the surprises of guerilla warfare.
Our kings have been moved far too many times along this chess board,
Our chiefs could not have seen this coming, nor could our best warriors,
So all we have left are the fallen that refused to succumb to the battlefield,
And the few lucky that escaped deaths scythe.
But still, we continue to fight against a foe that will never give,
And both sides have grown ragged and tired from a constant front.

I miss the feelings we once shared,
The little things that faded until they were all but gone,
Have we gotten what we deserved? The rejection of a bond neglected for so long?
My heart wishes there could be more than what the map has laid out for us,
But the terrain is unpredictable and rough, fingers linked, but barely clasped,
So only skilled warriors chance everything to cross it,
But by the time they battle their way through, it has changed once again,
Leaving behind the brave souls that dared to take a chance.

Chaos Theory

I see your eyes in the stars that make up the night sky,
And sometimes I wonder if you’re winking at me.
I hear your voice echoed back in all the decisions I came to,
The good, the bad and the ones where ‘only’ was the option,
For I had always thought with my head,
Never letting feelings get in the way,
But you lead with your heart,
Wearing her on your sleeve, proud and strong enough to conjure everyone.
It was only until I met you that my heart could sway my mind,
And my feelings starting becoming louder, and intrusive and invading.
Where once my mind could not be move, now my heart had its fair share.

I can’t hate you for that though, because you taught me how to love unselfishly.
The courage to myself before others;
I once thought myself less than what my being needed,
An expendable choice in the masses of the good and kind,
Not the one worthy of being loved, loving in return.
I want you to love me, all of me,
And you know the worst parts of my soul,
Those that cower in the light of the sun, who thrive on blood lust,
And the emotions that have strayed far from the better part of me,
Yet, you take it all for me and match it with a soul worse than mine,
(Your soul is too pure to be considered evil,
Trust me, my road to hell was supposed to be paved with good intentions,
But, good intentions were never my strong suit, darling,
For I would sacrifice everything and anyone to be with you for a single,
untouched moment, sealed in the fates of time)
I can’t hate you, though I wish I could, for it would be so much easier than to love,
So I will wait time and time again for you to find my in this life or the next,
Knowing with each comes a new ordeal of chaos and beauty,
And knowing that each of our stories will forever be aligned in the stars above,
Shifting, matching and connecting our chaos theory of love to her brilliant mind.

Oh, little girl

There once was a little girl, who the world thought of,
The one on every sympathy card, the one stashed under every bed,
She was someone’s everything, and everyone’s something,
Forever immortalized by the feelings of sinners and damned alike.
She longed for things outside of what fate had predestined,
But, the stars never aligned for just any mortal soul,
So she waited and contemplated, tracing those balls of light with her lips,
Never knowing that her fate had long been sealed on the promise of a stolen kiss.

Little girl, what happens to you when you’re no longer someone’s first choice?
Please, call the masses among the buried to rise up like a phoenix from the ashes,
Sign your name in blood on the dotted line,
For that’s the only truth you have left to your name.
Once you’ve committed you’ll never realize you’re chained,
Until you long for freedom beyond the bars
And the beauty of an open sky beyond the ground.

Little girl, sweet, delusion little girl,
Pray on your knees all you like, the angels have no ear for sinners,
Maybe if you tried a little harder, the winged folk would bless you with an audience,
But what kind of audience would be granted? Sweetie, that has yet to be determined,
So let’s force you to your knees once more,
After all, don’t sinners love to be buried under the pleasure of humiliation?

Little girl, were you always afraid to feel so deeply?
To act on the very things that forces their way into the darkest parts of your heart,
Perhaps that was your only way of coping with the horrors you’d be faced with,
Locking your heart up with the rest of that sensitive soul,
But, you know that those souls are the best served with false redemption,
So say goodbye to your demons, for Hell has no use for mortal made sins,
And sink to your knees once more, the best sight for the angels to see is a demon repenting for the sins that aren’t their own,
Let’s us hope, dear little girl, that your sacrifice proves worthy to the Gods above,
For I’ve never heard of a demon turned angel based of wishful thinking alone.

i sway

I sway,

Singing the melody and lyrics out of tune,
But they speak to me,

And I can’t stop myself from feeling the moment,
The words caress me,
Trapping me in a time that reminds me too much of what I had,
What I lost,
What I wished I had still,

And there you are,
Lingering in the light,
So I can never see your face,
Hidden in the shadow of you,

I sway,

No longer seeing anything,
My blurred eyes and staggering moves leave many wondering,
I move, and hold you close,
In my thoughts,
Because I can never touch you for long,

Until the shadows swallow you and I’m left dancing with myself.

and snap…

How much can it be bent until it snaps?
The questions lingers,
Salty on my tongue,
Hesitation written on my face,

But the words are bursting from my lips before I can stop them.
I wish I didn’t jump,
Didn’t default to these feelings of doubt and insecurity,
But, some days I wonder if that’s all I’m made of,

If some days they’re easier to ignore,
And others they scream at me until I feed their negativity,
Twist, pull, scratch and crane over nothing,
How much can I bend until I snap?

what is it to you?

It’s a jump-start,
A trigger, embracing the impact of a fatal run,
It’s like falling over and over again,
Smooth like the river you lead me to,
To swim in, to drown me,
Shock to the system, as the cold water rushed to my lungs,
And all that still didn’t send my running,
I fought the current,
I hugged the bullet closer to my heart,
As though it would consume me and reject the pain,
Pushing it far away from me,
And hating that it leaves,
Because what am I without it?
What do I do when you aren’t there?
It’s that vulnerable sense of invincibility,
Running away from the one thing that will never leave,
Over and over and over again.

nights like these

On nights like these,
I always second-guess myself,
I begin to doubt us,
How can we be so, so good, so god we forget the bad,
Only to be reminded of everything horrible in a single word,
With a single sentence that cuts into our souls,
Hurtful and deep, resonating truth into the parts we keep buried,
And….I’m not sure what that means,
How can we be both these people?
How do we fix it…is there anything we can fix?
Is it worth it? Are we?
On nights like these, you’re here next you me,
But not the version I need you to be,
And that’s not fair, I shouldn’t expect you to conform to my fantasy of you,
Or the us we are in the sunlight,
But you can’t expect the same of me,
And we’re so stubborn, stuck in our ways
That I’m afraid we’ll forever be running in circles on nights like these

better than that…?

What makes me better than that?

Than the lies I tell,
Than the way I live, or love,

Because some days I find myself so much like the things I run from,
Or the people I tell myself I will never be like,

What makes me better than that?

Nothing, that’s the truth,

On days I admit it and on days I pretend I don’t.
I am not better than any soul that I encounter,
Because they are not me,
And as much as I wish I could rise above,

Shove my ‘better ways’ in the cosmos’ face,
I know it amounts to nothing,
And they all continue to live their lives,
As though my opinion doesn’t mater,
Because it doesn’t
And that is the truth I hide from,

So give me the strength to rise above,
To face the things I run from,
And to grow to be the person who is better for her worth and heart,
Not for what she hides from.

misery loves company

My misery loves company,
Anything to hype her up,
I’m tired of entertaining,
Can you take over for a while?
Run through my mazes for a while,
Try not to get lost,
It can be a bit chaotic in there,
But I need to rest,
I’ve fought so long,
Against you, my own demons,
And the dangers they present,
Or maybe the temptation to cling to, I can no longer tell,
Or even if there is a difference between the right and wrong things to cling to in anger,
My misery,
She loves miserable pieces of shit,
When will she learn they never have what she’s truly looking for?
When will she know that misery is still misery
no matter how deeply it’s loved…?

coastlines

Late nights laughing at drunk texts we sent,
Stars hanging over our hearts,
We drove until the skin bled pink, and lavender,
And the blue in your eyes had never been more beautiful.
I feel in love when the sun rose over our heads,
And we made love in the sunlight.

I miss the way we worked so well,
Falling into sheets, tangled in laughter and cotton,
Late night conversations about the world we would create,
Where we could hide for a while, never worrying about the road ahead,
And the sun never set, sharing the sky with the moon,
I miss the nights we had,
I miss dreaming of you the way my mind created when I was in love,
The stars no longer shine for me to see.

Another shot; I need the high to carry me away,
I can’t stand to think of you,
Not when it’s still raw,
When I still bleed over you each night the blade cuts into me a bit deeper,
Those stars that witnessed our love, our chaos and mad love,
They’re black in the sky,
And I can never look at the blue sky the way I looked into your eyes,
Because I never imagined a world without you.
And now I’m stuck drifting along the coastline,
Gazing up into a sky that will never look the same.