to know that it means to love without you…

I had to learn the hard way what it meant to love without you,


believe me, it sucked.

It was raw and painful and it attacked everything I was so ready to cling to in the absence of you,
Made my reality without you all the more vulnerable and full of hurt.
Because letting you go was admitting you never wanting to stay,

And I know you wanted to,
This meant something to you,

It had to,

Right…please tell me it did,

Fuck, I can’t handle it if it didn’t.

How does someone do that?

Pour their heart out and then act like it never happened…
or maybe I was deluded into thinking your heart had any part to play,
But…I can’t help but to wish I never knew the answer

It shattered me,

Torn me into tiny pieces for the next soul who would try to paint love onto the cracks embedded in my heart,

I wish you hadn’t been the one to teach me what it meant to love,
Because then at least my heart would have had a fighting chance,

But now, she’s a mess, torn to the seams and left to catch the wind,
In hopes it would take her far, far away from the love she knew and into the arms of an evil she could fight,
That way she could mend, hardened and earn that bitterness,
To ever feel again.

til the death of it does its part….

I helped you turn your life around,
Gained the trust and addiction all in one captivating grip,

Took it in as my own, and held on tight as it rocked us,
Back and forth, through hell and back,

With the burns and scars to prove it,

And still,

You still question my love for you,
Have the goddamn nerve to call me out on the reasons behind my help, my devotion,

And I can’t….
I can’t do this for much longer,

The lies, the insults and the demeaning nature you seem to quick to fall back into,

(so quick to cling to whenever we seem to find the silver lining)

Maybe because I was so eager,
So ready to be the savior to someone other than my own sanity,
I couldn’t see that I wasn’t…I’m not enough,

And there shouldn’t be any shame in that
But fuck, god, there is so, so much of it,
 it consumes me as to why I wasn’t enough for you,

It’s all I can think about, after it’s all said and done,
And I know it will haunt me from now until the day I die, long after we have been buried and gone…

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

i don’t have the answer…

The tears come unexpectedly,
Then again, I suppose tragedies always come whenever they please,
Neither caring nor acknowledging the lives they destroyed after taking one,
Simply moving on, why does time make it look so easy?

Or is it easy because it isn’t trapped, frozen in the spot where your heart broke,
Where you whole axis shifted to deal with something you never dreamed
And a piece of your soul vanishes in a blink of an eye as the hand falls from your grasp…

The tears come now, almost like clock work
At the expected time,
Like my heart knows its time to mourn you,
But I can’t let myself, because that means missing you is now my new normal,
And I don’t know what normal is without you there,
I don’t want to,
Not ready to take another step without you holding my hand,
Guiding me—I can’t, I’ll fall, stumble,
I can’t get up, I’m afraid I’ll live forever down here,
Crying over you,
Clinging to a dream I’ll pray to never wake from,
A pray to never know the end to,
Even though my reality reminds me ever time I open my eyes…

The tears flow and they seem to never stop,
And I know time with lessen their meaning,
And maybe stop them from fall altogether,
But,
I’ll still be living in my dreamland,
Where you laugh and cry with me,
Never letting go of my hand…

damn heartbreaking

It’s damn heartbreaking,
So fucking tragic,
I’ll cry myself enough to drown,
And it still would never change you mind,
So stubborn, so proud,
I hope your ego keeps you warm at night,
For that will be the only thing to stay,
Because I can’t keep begging,
Wishing you could change, could see the hurt,
Wish you could be anything other than who I see before me,
Because this, this isn’t worth the heart ache,
The way I split myself in two,
My heart scattered into pieces, too jagged to piece back together,
And I let you break me,
And it hurts so damn much to say that,
Because I thought you were the one,
But it seems the only thing I was sure of is just how much you would affect me,
Change me, your mark will forever be on the fragments of my heart.

entitled

Aw darling, were the words I said to harsh for your ideals,
Did I not fit into the definition of what you defined me?
You were never a part of my life in the way you so desperately needed to be,
And you threw tantrums and lashed out when you couldn’t get the answers you wanted,
Petty little bully, shoved into the words of a keyboard
And that was fine; I let you wear yourself down, all tuckered out,
Yet you couldn’t stay asleep,
And had to give one last failed attempt,
Kicking your feet and screaming insults all because you were unhappy with whatever was the cause,
Because I didn’t let you in, refused for fall,
But don’t let me be the one to tell you otherwise,
Because I truly don’t care,
We weren’t friends, I made that clear,
And you couldn’t take the goddamn hint,
But thankfully only the plastic of our screens saw the damage and desperation.
Though the testimonies will forever haunt the Internet…

It’s a sigh of relief,
Not having to explain for the hundredth time why you aren’t worth mine,
How does it feel to cast me aside, to make your stance?
I hope it gives you the closure you think you deserve,
And let this be the last reminder of just what we were,
In reality, not in the words we cast aside,
That there never was or will a time when this would have been anything more than what it was,
Nothing but a blink in the moments of life,
As quick to come was it was gone….

shine

It’s hard to see you with your past,
This person isn’t the one I loved,
Who you were with her is painful to watch,
So subdued, so submissive to malicious intent,
Only a shell,
And it only makes it harder, to know that.
Eager to fulfill everyone’s happiness but your own,
It’s sad, hard to watch,
I looked away for a long time
Blinders on when it came to you,
Until I couldn’t be blinded by you any longer,
So in need of, something, anything,
A saving grace, a prayer sent up to deaf ears,
Anything to pull to for the toxic life you settled for,
So hard now, to look back and remember how you were,
Who you were with had molded,
But now, in my hands,
Molded into the person I love,
The one who chose happiness, your own
It’s hard to look at you,
And not be blinded by how you shine.

pieces of the shattered glass you threw,

I’m left picking up pieces of the shattered glass you threw,
Bottles that you drank from too long, too much,
And the poison had been in your system,
Blocking what sobriety had to offer.

This darkness I’ve known my whole life,
Become accustom to it,
Partaking in it myself,
But my demons are my own,
And I can only blame you for your actions, not the way they affecting me.

This fear I’ve let linger in the back of my mind,
Comes to life in each sip of the glass,
And my lips savor the excuse of not dealing with it.
But you, I can never know if your reasons are like my own,
Throwing, and clinging to the bottle,
Hiding behind the affects of ignorance,
I can’t ignore the problem like you do,
And that gives me the strength to fight my demons

Yet I fear your succumb to yours already,
And there is nothing I can do to pull you from your self-made abyss
Throwing glass, I’m left to pick up the pieces,
never knowing your cry for help only echoed my own…

redemption and its funny things,

You thought I would be the redemption to your sins.
The grace that would forgive you in the eyes of all you wronged
And I wish you had been mine
But it seems we only invited different demons into our hearts,
And they made friends with the ones already thriving in these chaotic souls,
I suppose that’s what we get for believing ourselves worthy of such a gracious gift,
Love, in its many forms,
Can never be the same for those of us who shunned her for so long.

I wish I believed in love the way you once had,
Effort and work and passion that created such a beautiful thing
It was the envy of those who whispered behind your back,
The creator of the lies you would soon tell yourself to keep up the façade,
The reasons why we find ourselves here, now…
I once believed redemption was my only answer,
Did I have to answer for every wrong I’ve committed?
Or did I simply have to play the part of the humbled, changed for the better, person?
Would you be able to see through me,
Know that I was playing the game as much as it once played me.

drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.