falsehoods to create

Fond memories always come at the worst time,
And I can’t seem to help but smile when I think of you
The way things were,
The way things maybe could have been,
But the past is the past,
We’ve moved towards something better than what we were,
And that’s what it needs to be,

Fond memories aren’t as fond when I remember more deeply,
More Sharply related to the core of the problems we faced,
But it was nice to blotch a better picture to envision,
This smile feels hollow,
Painted on painfully now,
And now I can’t stop the memories flooding,
Of things that were and weren’t,
The ways it was all so much, too much and never enough,
It was always easier to forget that hurt and damage you still caused,
Fond memories, what bullshit,
We were never the type for fondness.
But we loved to lie to ourselves every chance we get,
So here’s to the false memories we built around each other,
And I’ll down them with another glass of whatever helps the memories stop
.

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red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

Jester’s Heartache

I’m not to blame for your troubles and heartbreak,
So many things I wish I could tell you,
(So many things I wish I could scream and rant. shake you so you’ll see)
See the truth as it unfolds in front of your eyes,But I know I’ll never get the chance,
(But I still rehearse my lines in case),

Games are tricks meant for those to foolish to see,
But you seem to play the fool so well
And I wish I didn’t have to entertain the jester anymore,
She lacks originality and depth,
So forgive me while I yawn midway through your tirade,
Maybe in another life,
You could have made something of this tantrum,
Had things aligned and worked in your favor,
But I’ll stick to this reality that presented itself with a nice bow,
And keep my opinions to myself,
Because you aren’t worth the breath used to speak them,
Lord knows who’d listen to the rants of a scorned woman,
With no merit or dignity.

the way you love me…

You once told me we deserve the love we earn,
And I know that’s not the way love works,
Its should be peaceful, coming home and unconditional,
But my fragile heart has suffered for so long she can’t tell the difference between a love she deserves and an affection that is fleeting and harmful.
And I let you take advantage of my heart, this body, my mind,
Because I can’t live without your twisted love,
Or rather, you conditioned me to believe so,
And I’m no longer able to tell the difference.

Hold me down,
And I’ll moan loud,
Just enough so you think I’m enjoying thrust after thrust,
Because I’m afraid of what would happen if you thought I wasn’t.
I thank god for your hand at my neck,
Because it lets me hide the tears in the space between the sheets and pillow.
And my body shakes and quivers,
And I let you believe it’s from the pleasure you grant.
Kiss my lips, hard enough to bruise, hard enough to leave your mark,
So everyone knows the kind of love you think I deserve.

This kind of love seems to be love in your words only,
Because I know I hate this, hate the way this makes me feel,
But, I’m more afraid of your anger than this treatment I told myself I could handle.
Because I could never name it for what it is,
That would make it a hard reality,
One I can’t bare to face,
Because that makes it real and I’d be unable to hide from the black and blue that stare
back at me.
So shake me, tied me down to this fucked up love,
And I’ll pretend this is the love I deserve, the love I crave
.

murky waters

Some many things I would say to you if only you knew,
Words with hard backbones, an attitude of pure incompetence,
But this is neither the time nor place to speak such hateful things,
Though the words drip from your mouth, vile and vulgar as the actions behind them.
So as we dance around it, dragging everyone down in the whirlpool,
Let us try to remember why we started this war, because,
A war fought with careless ammunition will always create casualties.

So smile pretty for the cameras as the bombs blow up the night sky,
And clasp our hands together as we sink down into the murky waters.
So when the flowers die and the ashes settle,
Maybe once again we can come to a peace treaty,
But for now, the shrapnel blinds us to the cause,
And we find ourselves thrown into battle once more,
Lets hope for all the right reasons this time.