to the man that destroyed me

To my rapist,
I have no words to describe the horror you gave to me,
Starting from the rumors you spread that turned them against me,
To the way you still believe you had a right to my person.
A gift you think you bestowed upon a willing body,
I’m sorry your sense of reality is so deluded,
That you sought pleasure and validation from a person so, so unwilling,
That you cannot understand the simplest of requests, suggestions,
No, demands, because my politeness and mannerisms quickly became panic and terror,
So venomously against your touch and kiss,
Yet, you still thought I was flirting with you, seducing you,
Enticement in the most exciting ways.
Playing hard to get when in fact I was fighting for my life.
But don’t worry, you took a piece of that the moment you violated everything I had.
So, you won that,
You got to destroy a woman, turn her into a scared little girl,
One who still screams in the middle of the night,
Tears falling; blinding her further into the terror of that darkness,
And cannot walk anywhere without glancing 15 times over her shoulder,
Lest something creep up on her suddenly.
But, you did not kill me, and some days I wish you had,
Those days I am at my lowest,
But I rise,
Again and again,
I build and create a new person, woman, in place of the one ripped from me,
And it took me such a long to time to recover,
You made sure I would deal with this the rest of my life,
But I take it, and I mold it into the woman I’m becoming,
Embracing the hardship and the heartbreak and the tragic lose of everything I knew,
So thank you, my rapist
And I say those words sardonically, with a touch of sincerity,
Because I know nothing can kill me after what you’ve done.

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one by one

Fall in line,
Watch us fall in sync and right back out,
You should see your face,One by one,
The way it opens up to t
e unexpected and anticipated,
One by one,
I watch the faces fall,
In line, out of sync,
But all with the same expression,
Put your cigarette out on me slowly,
Let the burn settle before you pretend to realize what you’ve done.
I’ll watch and wait,
Knowing you let everyone see the evidence,And watching your face fall in disbelief when I spit in it,
Right back at you;
I breathe that second hand smoke in,
Only to blow it into your eyes,
And laughing when they water,
But that isn’t me,
No matter how I try to make it be,
Too intoxicated to aim it,
I’ll settle for the blurred vision,
And sloppy apology kisses,
Waiting until it doesn’t make sense,
And for you to fall in my line,
One by one,
Face after face.

on the carpet

Love is borrowed,
Cheap and sweet,
Like the wine swirling my glass,
Left to stain the carpet as it falls to the floor,
A love as hard,
Defensive and cruel,
With words to match the breaking of my heart,
Because no one wants a loved like this.

Fatal and peaceful go hand in hand,
Laughing and falling down together,
Crushing all in its path,
And they tumble through the thorns and maggots,
The dirt clinging to them like a secret left to share,
Covering the cuts and bruises,
And tear stains to match the carpet,
This love is hollow,
Living on borrowed time,
Used, torn in two and cheapened by one to many shots,

Like the wine swirling in my glass,
Rich and thick and full of things to help me forget,
Because this is defense is the last thing standing between me and you,
And I can’t let you have this victory.

red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

your version of forever

You say you want forever,
Keep me lock in your arms, trapped in the feelings you provide alone,
A puppet for you to toy with at your leisure,
A love like this never needs the freedom to find itself again.
Never let my heart escape, you said,
For it should have found its home with you.
But we both know that those pretty words shouldn’t be taken as is,
What’s lurking beneath the surface is ugly and hollow.
You say you want my heart, my everything. But,
It’s hard to give when your forever lasts as long as your interest.
So your grip loses, your mind wanders further and further along with that hollowed heart.
But your cage rusts around me, so walking away unharmed turned into a callous dream.
Serving to remind me of your forever my heart so desperately clung to..

fabricated tells

The way the words spill out of your mouth, so naturally,
As bitter as they are sweet,
I clung to them like an addict hooked on that last fix,
Lonely and vulnerable—looking for justification under false pretenses,
We were two liars trying to convince each other of the same truth.
Down, down and down we fall,
Tumbling into the other’s deceptions as we go,
I should have stopped this when I saw your tell,
The fabricated tells that made the relationship an easy downfall.
Should I have known when you stopped smiling when I entered the room?
Or was it the way your hands would squeeze a little tighter around my throat when you
whispered those things to me in the dark.
Maybe it was when your eyes lost the spark that made me laugh,
The way your smirk stretches across your face at snide backhands you’d make,
Or maybe when those hands started to cause more pain then pleasure,
Only touch me when there were no witnesses,
No one to question the bruises you placed in the dark.

I guess you stuck to me the way I can’t let go of those bad habits,
The ones that you know are bad, so, so bad, yet you find yourself running back when things go wrong, or when things go so right its sin.
I think you and I were always meant to fall into this habit of lying and trickery,
Like the way the sun lies to the moon, for the hopes of a beautiful tomorrow,
Or the way a snake lovingly coils around its next meal.
Though two snakes trying to devour each other never ends satisfyingly.
And the moon will never be as important as the sun, despite her beauty in the dark.
And I tried to convince myself my reality wasn’t that, cowardly and scared to move out of the shadow of you.
Letting you touch me in ways that I never would let my other lovers do,
Allowing such abuse under the guise of friendship and familiarity,
I guess I fell for the illusions of love the way you did,
And in the end we both let the lies we painted get the better of us.
But this is where our tragic love song ends,
Where we find those that are better and worthy of our damaged love.
So goodbye to your and your fabricated tells,
And I hope the damage won’t be enough to ruin us for the rest of this game,
As we fall down and down and down towards the deceptions we created for love.

Shattered Echo

I had always been attracted to the dark side of life,
But this attraction turned to be deadlier then I anticipated,
And I’m left with the terrors of your memory,
The ways you shattered me and attempted to glue me back together,
Your toxins clinging and seeping through my barriers
Hollowing out my defenses, ruining the best parts of me.
I’m still scrubbing the remains of you off me.
You and I go back and forth, always out doing the other.
But this time you’ve crossed into unfamiliar waters,
Leaving me to drown in the aftermath of your storm.
But your touch has left me in a state of disrepair,
My confidence crumbing faster than the dry wall beside my head.

So take your hands off me, get away from me,
And pray the scars won’t leave a lasting effect,
But it’s so easy you to forget your place,
To fall back into harmful habits, my skin carries the remains of you,
The bruises last longer when everyone is around to question them.
And they fade slow, tortuously slow,
As to remind me of the lasting damage you cause
So my body rebels at the sound of a closing door, an angry voice in the crowds, the discoloration you left along my skin,
I see it when I close my eyes, the darker parts of my skin throbbing with hurt and pain,
I stroke those broken galaxies you left along my skin, though they’ve long faded by now,
Yet, I still feel I can see them in the wrong lighting, in the wrong time, wrong place,
Just like the excuses you used to give.
But I won’t let this shattered echo of you define me for long,
And soon you’ll be just another face in the crowd, a faded part of my colorful past
Just another memory to reflect back on I suppose, just like old lovers do.