red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

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hard to swallow

I’ll keep swallowing that poison you feed me,
Hoping one day I won’t want to spit back in your face,
Maybe one day I won’t feel its effects so deeply,
The acid burning my throat each time it threatens to resurface.
Perhaps it was my loneliness
Or maybe it was yours that kept us crawling back to this hole,
Down and down we go,
Falling into those bad habits and repetition that numbs us,
Hard to miss the sun when your eyes have adjusted to the darkness,
And everything that lurks in it.

Give me that poison,
It’s about time for my dose,
Seems I feel to much, fell victim to its effects,
So dependent,
Shaky and weakened,
I reach for you,
Helpless,
But I know that’s how you need me to be,
Can’t have that strength showing up at the wrong moment,
A real mood killer if you can’t get it up,
But I wish my snark and witt hadn’t left me,
And I wish I had that venomous tongue,
And not just what you’ve injected in, coursing through my veins,
My words have lost their bite, their conviction,
As I swallow that poison once more,
Letting in numb me, preparing my for you and your twisted love

 

the way you love me…

You once told me we deserve the love we earn,
And I know that’s not the way love works,
Its should be peaceful, coming home and unconditional,
But my fragile heart has suffered for so long she can’t tell the difference between a love she deserves and an affection that is fleeting and harmful.
And I let you take advantage of my heart, this body, my mind,
Because I can’t live without your twisted love,
Or rather, you conditioned me to believe so,
And I’m no longer able to tell the difference.

Hold me down,
And I’ll moan loud,
Just enough so you think I’m enjoying thrust after thrust,
Because I’m afraid of what would happen if you thought I wasn’t.
I thank god for your hand at my neck,
Because it lets me hide the tears in the space between the sheets and pillow.
And my body shakes and quivers,
And I let you believe it’s from the pleasure you grant.
Kiss my lips, hard enough to bruise, hard enough to leave your mark,
So everyone knows the kind of love you think I deserve.

This kind of love seems to be love in your words only,
Because I know I hate this, hate the way this makes me feel,
But, I’m more afraid of your anger than this treatment I told myself I could handle.
Because I could never name it for what it is,
That would make it a hard reality,
One I can’t bare to face,
Because that makes it real and I’d be unable to hide from the black and blue that stare
back at me.
So shake me, tied me down to this fucked up love,
And I’ll pretend this is the love I deserve, the love I crave
.

your version of forever

You say you want forever,
Keep me lock in your arms, trapped in the feelings you provide alone,
A puppet for you to toy with at your leisure,
A love like this never needs the freedom to find itself again.
Never let my heart escape, you said,
For it should have found its home with you.
But we both know that those pretty words shouldn’t be taken as is,
What’s lurking beneath the surface is ugly and hollow.
You say you want my heart, my everything. But,
It’s hard to give when your forever lasts as long as your interest.
So your grip loses, your mind wanders further and further along with that hollowed heart.
But your cage rusts around me, so walking away unharmed turned into a callous dream.
Serving to remind me of your forever my heart so desperately clung to..

Shattered Echo

I had always been attracted to the dark side of life,
But this attraction turned to be deadlier then I anticipated,
And I’m left with the terrors of your memory,
The ways you shattered me and attempted to glue me back together,
Your toxins clinging and seeping through my barriers
Hollowing out my defenses, ruining the best parts of me.
I’m still scrubbing the remains of you off me.
You and I go back and forth, always out doing the other.
But this time you’ve crossed into unfamiliar waters,
Leaving me to drown in the aftermath of your storm.
But your touch has left me in a state of disrepair,
My confidence crumbing faster than the dry wall beside my head.

So take your hands off me, get away from me,
And pray the scars won’t leave a lasting effect,
But it’s so easy you to forget your place,
To fall back into harmful habits, my skin carries the remains of you,
The bruises last longer when everyone is around to question them.
And they fade slow, tortuously slow,
As to remind me of the lasting damage you cause
So my body rebels at the sound of a closing door, an angry voice in the crowds, the discoloration you left along my skin,
I see it when I close my eyes, the darker parts of my skin throbbing with hurt and pain,
I stroke those broken galaxies you left along my skin, though they’ve long faded by now,
Yet, I still feel I can see them in the wrong lighting, in the wrong time, wrong place,
Just like the excuses you used to give.
But I won’t let this shattered echo of you define me for long,
And soon you’ll be just another face in the crowd, a faded part of my colorful past
Just another memory to reflect back on I suppose, just like old lovers do.

Tell me…

Tell me you can’t keep your hands to yourself, because I’m too irresistible and you love to see the marks that claim me as yours,
Tell me I’m beautiful as I rub the bruises you left along my arms,
Tell me you love to see me seethe and rage with envy; that’s why you have to flirt with other women, so you know I only see you.
Tell me that your eyes only wander because you’re so lucky to have found me: that she was another way to confirm that I’m the only one for you.
Tell me that I have never looked lovelier in red than when I wear that dress: the one that covers all of my skin and shame.
Tell me you love me; paint the lie as pretty as my face, covered in shimmering concealer and red lips,
Tell me you’ll never find anyone like me; that your affection for me causes your jealously and the need for constant gratification.
Tell me that I should be so lucky; that not just anyone will want me, a washed up scrape of used goods,
Tell me that my worth is found only in you; that I would be nothing if I didn’t have you.

Tell me that I am nothing without you; say it so much that I start to believe it,
And tell me that I will never find anyone like you, until I think that there is no one that will love me the way I am, and that you are my only hope.
Tell me these lies until I believe them as truth,
And watch me fold into the person I used to be, hollowing out to the carcass you crave.
Until the day where you tell me the one lie that I refuse to believe,
And I find myself doubting the very control you sought over me,
Only then will I be able to fight the hold you cast over me,
And only then will I be able to see the controller and the abuse,
But until then, tell me how beautiful I am when I’m on my knees in front of you,
Begging for all the wrong attention.
Tell me how I will never be anything without you; until someone shows me how to be a person without you.