in your head

So beautiful,
Because you can’t see the ugly,
Only want what you can’t have,
That’s why you cling to this version you created in your head,
She’s perfect,
Smart, sexy and only has eyes for you,
Only looked your way,
And she only existed in your head,
Blinded by your greed and lust,
You turned me into a monster
A slave to you, and your wants,
No longer caring about the damage and bruises,
So beautiful,
Because you choose to overlook the ugly you create,
And leave me to the corner
To nurse my wounds,
Clinging to what was once truly beautiful ad safe,

to the man that destroyed me

To my rapist,
I have no words to describe the horror you gave to me,
Starting from the rumors you spread that turned them against me,
To the way you still believe you had a right to my person.
A gift you think you bestowed upon a willing body,
I’m sorry your sense of reality is so deluded,
That you sought pleasure and validation from a person so, so unwilling,
That you cannot understand the simplest of requests, suggestions,
No, demands, because my politeness and mannerisms quickly became panic and terror,
So venomously against your touch and kiss,
Yet, you still thought I was flirting with you, seducing you,
Enticement in the most exciting ways.
Playing hard to get when in fact I was fighting for my life.
But don’t worry, you took a piece of that the moment you violated everything I had.
So, you won that,
You got to destroy a woman, turn her into a scared little girl,
One who still screams in the middle of the night,
Tears falling; blinding her further into the terror of that darkness,
And cannot walk anywhere without glancing 15 times over her shoulder,
Lest something creep up on her suddenly.
But, you did not kill me, and some days I wish you had,
Those days I am at my lowest,
But I rise,
Again and again,
I build and create a new person, woman, in place of the one ripped from me,
And it took me such a long to time to recover,
You made sure I would deal with this the rest of my life,
But I take it, and I mold it into the woman I’m becoming,
Embracing the hardship and the heartbreak and the tragic lose of everything I knew,
So thank you, my rapist
And I say those words sardonically, with a touch of sincerity,
Because I know nothing can kill me after what you’ve done.

fabricated tells

The way the words spill out of your mouth, so naturally,
As bitter as they are sweet,
I clung to them like an addict hooked on that last fix,
Lonely and vulnerable—looking for justification under false pretenses,
We were two liars trying to convince each other of the same truth.
Down, down and down we fall,
Tumbling into the other’s deceptions as we go,
I should have stopped this when I saw your tell,
The fabricated tells that made the relationship an easy downfall.
Should I have known when you stopped smiling when I entered the room?
Or was it the way your hands would squeeze a little tighter around my throat when you
whispered those things to me in the dark.
Maybe it was when your eyes lost the spark that made me laugh,
The way your smirk stretches across your face at snide backhands you’d make,
Or maybe when those hands started to cause more pain then pleasure,
Only touch me when there were no witnesses,
No one to question the bruises you placed in the dark.

I guess you stuck to me the way I can’t let go of those bad habits,
The ones that you know are bad, so, so bad, yet you find yourself running back when things go wrong, or when things go so right its sin.
I think you and I were always meant to fall into this habit of lying and trickery,
Like the way the sun lies to the moon, for the hopes of a beautiful tomorrow,
Or the way a snake lovingly coils around its next meal.
Though two snakes trying to devour each other never ends satisfyingly.
And the moon will never be as important as the sun, despite her beauty in the dark.
And I tried to convince myself my reality wasn’t that, cowardly and scared to move out of the shadow of you.
Letting you touch me in ways that I never would let my other lovers do,
Allowing such abuse under the guise of friendship and familiarity,
I guess I fell for the illusions of love the way you did,
And in the end we both let the lies we painted get the better of us.
But this is where our tragic love song ends,
Where we find those that are better and worthy of our damaged love.
So goodbye to your and your fabricated tells,
And I hope the damage won’t be enough to ruin us for the rest of this game,
As we fall down and down and down towards the deceptions we created for love.