red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure at the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

Shattered Echo

I had always been attracted to the dark side of life,
But this attraction turned to be deadlier then I anticipated,
And I’m left with the terrors of your memory,
The ways you shattered me and attempted to glue me back together,
Your toxins clinging and seeping through my barriers
Hollowing out my defenses, ruining the best parts of me.
I’m still scrubbing the remains of you off me.
You and I go back and forth, always out doing the other.
But this time you’ve crossed into unfamiliar waters,
Leaving me to drown in the aftermath of your storm.
But your touch has left me in a state of disrepair,
My confidence crumbing faster than the dry wall beside my head.

So take your hands off me, get away from me,
And pray the scars won’t leave a lasting effect,
But it’s so easy you to forget your place,
To fall back into harmful habits, my skin carries the remains of you,
The bruises last longer when everyone is around to question them.
And they fade slow, tortuously slow,
As to remind me of the lasting damage you cause
So my body rebels at the sound of a closing door, an angry voice in the crowds, the discoloration you left along my skin,
I see it when I close my eyes, the darker parts of my skin throbbing with hurt and pain,
I stroke those broken galaxies you left along my skin, though they’ve long faded by now,
Yet, I still feel I can see them in the wrong lighting, in the wrong time, wrong place,
Just like the excuses you used to give.
But I won’t let this shattered echo of you define me for long,
And soon you’ll be just another face in the crowd, a faded part of my colorful past
Just another memory to reflect back on I suppose, just like old lovers do.

to be loved and then loved by you

Who would I be when I was still with you?
Would we have grown together,
Embraced our flaws and learned to be what the other needed…
Then,
Would we have grown sick of each other,
Hating the very things that made us fall in love.
Love, such a loose word for us.
Would that have changed too?
Or,
Would things have remained the same,
The same tired lies and excuses,
Our fights that grew harder and frequent and violent.
The walls that grew and grew, until I wished to throw you over.

The same abuse I let happen,
Again and again,
The bruises faded so the damage wasn’t permanent.
The same tired lies and excuses.

Because I thought that’s what was needed to keep us together,
Would I have learned to love that too?
What if is such a dangerous game?
And I still played it with you
Countless times,
Because what if it changed,
What if, what if, what if, what if….

I scream it until my throat is raw,
What if I had been enough,
What if you were good for me, and god how I wish you were.
But that was the naivety in me,
What if I had been smarter,
What If I got tired of the same old lies and excuses.
What if I told myself I deserve better…
Because I did.
I still play this game,
But at least I will never know what it is like to love and still be loved by you.

he used to tell me he loved me…

He used to tell me he loved everything about me,
Used to tell me I was the one made to please him,
Give him the future he deserved to have,
Under a microscope of pressure and hatred out of his own control,
(Because that would mean he was cable of more than that,
And my heart can’t heal knowing he was capable of loving things but me).

He used to shower me with an odd type of affection,
Left me drowning in it,
Never able to surface without his help, and his love,
Not truly loving behind prying eyes,
But just enough for those eyes to be fooled,
Seeing something they thought they saw.
And perhaps this needed to be said,
Needed to be felt so I could learn what love is and isn’t,
But I wish life didn’t have to prove us wrong is some many hurtful ways for us to get the
message,
Because then my heart wouldn’t have to bend and break so many times
Until I can’t recognize it,
Its cracks and missing pieces making up a shadow,
Hollow in its form but I still carry the weight as though it were with me now.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lonely, trust in how my heart never clung to yours,
It’s okay to need the space and let myself be alone,
Because it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak and scars,
Or at least teach me the way love should and shouldn’t be,
So maybe, just maybe I should thank him.
Because he used to tell me he loved me, possessive and lovely and capable of a lot more
hurt and nurture,
But he taught me to grow, to accept the things I can’t change,
To look for the ones I can,
And never let the heart be fool by pretty words and blind affection.

in your head

So beautiful,
Because you can’t see the ugly,
Only want what you can’t have,
That’s why you cling to this version you created in your head,
She’s perfect,
Smart, sexy and only has eyes for you,
Only looked your way,
And she only existed in your head,
Blinded by your greed and lust,
You turned me into a monster
A slave to you, and your wants,
No longer caring about the damage and bruises,
So beautiful,
Because you choose to overlook the ugly you create,
And leave me to the corner
To nurse my wounds,
Clinging to what was once truly beautiful ad safe,

phantoms

Can’t be alone,
Thoughts swirl around my head and I can’t make them stop,
I scream and cry, tear my hair out in the hopes they’ll go away,
Hope you’ll go away,
But you haunt me even now,
When you’ve been long gone from this,
Away from me and mine,
But the damage you’ve caused…
It haunts me, more than you,
You’re tangible,
Easy to hit, easy to fight off,
Easy to blame when you kept my bed warm,
But how do you fight a phantom,
And his games,
Because I’m dying to know,
Before it goes to far,
Even though everyone knows I’m long gone,
They hear the cries, the thing they know but won’t name behind my eyes,
And they let me go on,
Hoping this tragedy will heal itself,
So no one else has to get sucked it, so no one has your eyes turned to them
I can’t be alone, why can’t I be saved? Do they not hear me?
Does no one see you the way I do…?

canvas

You’re eight,
Watching your mom put on make up,
Covering her pale checks with rose,
Outlining her eyes, fierce and black and sad.
She looks beautiful,
All made up under the guise of what she needs people to see.
And you want to practice,
Be more like her,
Apply the right shade to cover up,
All dolled up in a pretty lie,
The ones daddy likes.

You’re in high school
Momma has shown you the ways,
Laughed and painted your nails,
Traced your cheeks until the lines highlighted your face,
Covered the scars you didn’t need them seeing.
It’s all perfect,
Subtle yet empowering,
The type to make them stop and stare.Blowing kisses with red lips and pretty eyes,
Telling them the lies they need to believe.

You remember thanking your mom,
For all the practice and skill she gave,
Even though you wish it never prepared you for a love like this,
You’ve grown,
Learned the ways of love and the world,The ones make up tells you anyway,
And you cover up,
The hurt, the need, the cry,
Because pretty girls are never to be exposed.
Hidden under the guise you need people to see.

Make this and make that,
The world caves easily to those who paint it.
And you wish you didn’t need the shield of black eyes and red lips,
But that is all you know,
The only thing that covers you from the world,
So you tell yourself the lies you need to hear,
And cover the black until it fades to blue, yellow, green,
Until it doesn’t exist, and there won’t be anything left to cover up.

to the man that destroyed me

To my rapist,
I have no words to describe the horror you gave to me,
Starting from the rumors you spread that turned them against me,
To the way you still believe you had a right to my person.
A gift you think you bestowed upon a willing body,
I’m sorry your sense of reality is so deluded,
That you sought pleasure and validation from a person so, so unwilling,
That you cannot understand the simplest of requests, suggestions,
No, demands, because my politeness and mannerisms quickly became panic and terror,
So venomously against your touch and kiss,
Yet, you still thought I was flirting with you, seducing you,
Enticement in the most exciting ways.
Playing hard to get when in fact I was fighting for my life.
But don’t worry, you took a piece of that the moment you violated everything I had.
So, you won that,
You got to destroy a woman, turn her into a scared little girl,
One who still screams in the middle of the night,
Tears falling; blinding her further into the terror of that darkness,
And cannot walk anywhere without glancing 15 times over her shoulder,
Lest something creep up on her suddenly.
But, you did not kill me, and some days I wish you had,
Those days I am at my lowest,
But I rise,
Again and again,
I build and create a new person, woman, in place of the one ripped from me,
And it took me such a long to time to recover,
You made sure I would deal with this the rest of my life,
But I take it, and I mold it into the woman I’m becoming,
Embracing the hardship and the heartbreak and the tragic lose of everything I knew,
So thank you, my rapist
And I say those words sardonically, with a touch of sincerity,
Because I know nothing can kill me after what you’ve done.

a place you aren’t

Fuck you.

It’s easier to say that now,
Here on paper, here where you aren’t,
Because you can never get to me again,
I walk taller,
Head held high,
My heels click with authority and confidence,Nothing can touch me anymore,
I’ve dealt with so much shit,
Can’t let it tear me down or keep my trapped,
(But it’s so much easier to say it here, in this place,
In the safety behind my words and paper,That place where you aren’t…)

Because while I never have to see you again,
I still deal with you in my mind,
Haunting and lingering,
Because why not?
If I let you control my thoughts,
Why shouldn’t you be allowed to influence my emotions?
Why, why, why…
I guess I’ll never know,
Not as long as I let you reign over me.

So maybe I’ll practice in the mirror,
Stand taller, eyes forward,
Enunciate my words,
Practice what I’d say when I see you face to face…
So fuck you,
I’ll repeat over and over again,
Until I can say it to your face,
And walk away from this place you are, where you torment me,
To a place you aren’t

i liked it (the way you numbed my reality)

I was getting used to the way things could have been,
Love and loved in return
Safety in your arms and wanted,
What a feeling,
To never doubt or question the reality you live in,
But than you went and pull the rug from under me,
Left me blinded by the light that shown form you,
A false sense of love and protection,
Tied to you in the best and worst ways,
I was getting too used to the way things could have been,
And karma didn’t let me forget.

Going under and no one is there to safe me,
And I still blindly reach for your hands,
Somebody hear me,
Find me,

I liked the way you helped me escape,
But you aren’t here when my shit hit the fan,
Closed our door in favor of a convenient façade,
And I still make excuses as to why you never gave me a key to my own lock….

Don’t let my guard down,
There’s cruelty in this world,
And who better to show you than those closest to you,
With words to hurt and actions to make you bleed,
You were my redemption,
But how was I to know this redemption came with a price tag?
Too much, you were too much on my heart,
I’m going under, with no one to pull me out,
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped to numb my reality of you…