a place you aren’t

Fuck you.

It’s easier to say that now,
Here on paper, here where you aren’t,
Because you can never get to me again,
I walk taller,
Head held high,
My heels click with authority and confidence,Nothing can touch me anymore,
I’ve dealt with so much shit,
Can’t let it tear me down or keep my trapped,
(But it’s so much easier to say it here, in this place,
In the safety behind my words and paper,That place where you aren’t…)

Because while I never have to see you again,
I still deal with you in my mind,
Haunting and lingering,
Because why not?
If I let you control my thoughts,
Why shouldn’t you be allowed to influence my emotions?
Why, why, why…
I guess I’ll never know,
Not as long as I let you reign over me.

So maybe I’ll practice in the mirror,
Stand taller, eyes forward,
Enunciate my words,
Practice what I’d say when I see you face to face…
So fuck you,
I’ll repeat over and over again,
Until I can say it to your face,
And walk away from this place you are, where you torment me,
To a place you aren’t

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i liked it (the way you numbed my reality)

I was getting used to the way things could have been,
Love and loved in return
Safety in your arms and wanted,
What a feeling,
To never doubt or question the reality you live in,
But than you went and pull the rug from under me,
Left me blinded by the light that shown form you,
A false sense of love and protection,
Tied to you in the best and worst ways,
I was getting too used to the way things could have been,
And karma didn’t let me forget.

Going under and no one is there to safe me,
And I still blindly reach for your hands,
Somebody hear me,
Find me,

I liked the way you helped me escape,
But you aren’t here when my shit hit the fan,
Closed our door in favor of a convenient façade,
And I still make excuses as to why you never gave me a key to my own lock….

Don’t let my guard down,
There’s cruelty in this world,
And who better to show you than those closest to you,
With words to hurt and actions to make you bleed,
You were my redemption,
But how was I to know this redemption came with a price tag?
Too much, you were too much on my heart,
I’m going under, with no one to pull me out,
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped to numb my reality of you…

on the carpet

Love is borrowed,
Cheap and sweet,
Like the wine swirling my glass,
Left to stain the carpet as it falls to the floor,
A love as hard,
Defensive and cruel,
With words to match the breaking of my heart,
Because no one wants a loved like this.

Fatal and peaceful go hand in hand,
Laughing and falling down together,
Crushing all in its path,
And they tumble through the thorns and maggots,
The dirt clinging to them like a secret left to share,
Covering the cuts and bruises,
And tear stains to match the carpet,
This love is hollow,
Living on borrowed time,
Used, torn in two and cheapened by one to many shots,

Like the wine swirling in my glass,
Rich and thick and full of things to help me forget,
Because this is defense is the last thing standing between me and you,
And I can’t let you have this victory.

red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

hard to swallow

I’ll keep swallowing that poison you feed me,
Hoping one day I won’t want to spit back in your face,
Maybe one day I won’t feel its effects so deeply,
The acid burning my throat each time it threatens to resurface.
Perhaps it was my loneliness
Or maybe it was yours that kept us crawling back to this hole,
Down and down we go,
Falling into those bad habits and repetition that numbs us,
Hard to miss the sun when your eyes have adjusted to the darkness,
And everything that lurks in it.

Give me that poison,
It’s about time for my dose,
Seems I feel to much, fell victim to its effects,
So dependent,
Shaky and weakened,
I reach for you,
Helpless,
But I know that’s how you need me to be,
Can’t have that strength showing up at the wrong moment,
A real mood killer if you can’t get it up,
But I wish my snark and witt hadn’t left me,
And I wish I had that venomous tongue,
And not just what you’ve injected in, coursing through my veins,
My words have lost their bite, their conviction,
As I swallow that poison once more,
Letting in numb me, preparing me for you and your twisted love

 

he used to tell me he loved me…

He used to tell me he loved everything about me,
Used to tell me I was the one made to please him,
Give him the future he deserved to have,
Under a microscope of pressure and hatred out of his own control,
(Because that would mean he was cable of more than that,
And my heart can’t heal knowing he was capable of loving things but me).

He used to shower me with an odd type of affection,
Left me drowning in it,
Never able to surface without his help, and his love,
Not truly loving behind prying eyes,
But just enough for those eyes to be fooled,
Seeing something they thought they saw.
And perhaps this needed to be said,
Needed to be felt so I could learn what love is and isn’t,
But I wish life didn’t have to prove us wrong is some many hurtful ways for us to get the
message,
Because then my heart wouldn’t have to bend and break so many times
Until I can’t recognize it,
Its cracks and missing pieces making up a shadow,
Hollow in its form but I still carry the weight as though it were with me now.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lonely, trust in how my heart never clung to yours,
It’s okay to need the space and let myself be alone,
Because it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak and scars,
Or at least teach me the way love should and shouldn’t be,
So maybe, just maybe I should thank him.
Because he used to tell me he loved me, possessive and lovely and capable of a lot more
hurt and nurture,
But he taught me to grow, to accept the things I can’t change,
To look for the ones I can,
And never let the heart be fool by pretty words and blind affection.

the way you love me…

You once told me we deserve the love we earn,
And I know that’s not the way love works,
Its should be peaceful, coming home and unconditional,
But my fragile heart has suffered for so long she can’t tell the difference between a love she deserves and an affection that is fleeting and harmful.
And I let you take advantage of my heart, this body, my mind,
Because I can’t live without your twisted love,
Or rather, you conditioned me to believe so,
And I’m no longer able to tell the difference.

Hold me down,
And I’ll moan loud,
Just enough so you think I’m enjoying thrust after thrust,
Because I’m afraid of what would happen if you thought I wasn’t.
I thank god for your hand at my neck,
Because it lets me hide the tears in the space between the sheets and pillow.
And my body shakes and quivers,
And I let you believe it’s from the pleasure you grant.
Kiss my lips, hard enough to bruise, hard enough to leave your mark,
So everyone knows the kind of love you think I deserve.

This kind of love seems to be love in your words only,
Because I know I hate this, hate the way this makes me feel,
But, I’m more afraid of your anger than this treatment I told myself I could handle.
Because I could never name it for what it is,
That would make it a hard reality,
One I can’t bare to face,
Because that makes it real and I’d be unable to hide from the black and blue that stare
back at me.
So shake me, tied me down to this fucked up love,
And I’ll pretend this is the love I deserve, the love I crave
.