Who would I be I was still with you?
Would we have grown together,
Embraced our flaws and learned to be what the other needed…
Then,
Would we have grown sick of each other,
Hating the very things that made us fall in love.
Love, such a loose word for us.
Would that have changed too?
Or,
Would things have remained the same,
The same tired lies and excuses,
Our fights that grew harder and frequent and violent.
The walls that grew and grew, until I wished to throw you over.

The same abuse I let happen,
Again and again,
The bruises faded so the damage wasn’t permanent.
The same tired lies and excuses.

Because I thought that’s what was needed to keep us together,
Would I have learned to love that too?
What if is such a dangerous game?
And I still played it with you
Countless times,
Because what if it changed,
What if, what if, what if, what if….

I scream it until my throat is raw,
What if I had been enough,
What if you were good for me, and god how I wish you were.
But that was the naivety in me,
What if I had been smarter,
What If I got tired of the same old lies and excuses.
What if I told myself I deserve better…
Because I did.
I still play this game,
But at least I will never know what it is like to love and still be loved by you.

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to the man that destroyed me

To my rapist,
I have no words to describe the horror you gave to me,
Starting from the rumors you spread that turned them against me,
To the way you still believe you had a right to my person.
A gift you think you bestowed upon a willing body,
I’m sorry your sense of reality is so deluded,
That you sought pleasure and validation from a person so, so unwilling,
That you cannot understand the simplest of requests, suggestions,
No, demands, because my politeness and mannerisms quickly became panic and terror,
So venomously against your touch and kiss,
Yet, you still thought I was flirting with you, seducing you,
Enticement in the most exciting ways.
Playing hard to get when in fact I was fighting for my life.
But don’t worry, you took a piece of that the moment you violated everything I had.
So, you won that,
You got to destroy a woman, turn her into a scared little girl,
One who still screams in the middle of the night,
Tears falling; blinding her further into the terror of that darkness,
And cannot walk anywhere without glancing 15 times over her shoulder,
Lest something creep up on her suddenly.
But, you did not kill me, and some days I wish you had,
Those days I am at my lowest,
But I rise,
Again and again,
I build and create a new person, woman, in place of the one ripped from me,
And it took me such a long to time to recover,
You made sure I would deal with this the rest of my life,
But I take it, and I mold it into the woman I’m becoming,
Embracing the hardship and the heartbreak and the tragic lose of everything I knew,
So thank you, my rapist
And I say those words sardonically, with a touch of sincerity,
Because I know nothing can kill me after what you’ve done.

a place you aren’t

Fuck you.

It’s easier to say that now,
Here on paper, here where you aren’t,
Because you can never get to me again,
I walk taller,
Head held high,
My heels click with authority and confidence,Nothing can touch me anymore,
I’ve dealt with so much shit,
Can’t let it tear me down or keep my trapped,
(But it’s so much easier to say it here, in this place,
In the safety behind my words and paper,That place where you aren’t…)

Because while I never have to see you again,
I still deal with you in my mind,
Haunting and lingering,
Because why not?
If I let you control my thoughts,
Why shouldn’t you be allowed to influence my emotions?
Why, why, why…
I guess I’ll never know,
Not as long as I let you reign over me.

So maybe I’ll practice in the mirror,
Stand taller, eyes forward,
Enunciate my words,
Practice what I’d say when I see you face to face…
So fuck you,
I’ll repeat over and over again,
Until I can say it to your face,
And walk away from this place you are, where you torment me,
To a place you aren’t

i liked it (the way you numbed my reality)

I was getting used to the way things could have been,
Love and loved in return
Safety in your arms and wanted,
What a feeling,
To never doubt or question the reality you live in,
But than you went and pull the rug from under me,
Left me blinded by the light that shown form you,
A false sense of love and protection,
Tied to you in the best and worst ways,
I was getting too used to the way things could have been,
And karma didn’t let me forget.

Going under and no one is there to safe me,
And I still blindly reach for your hands,
Somebody hear me,
Find me,

I liked the way you helped me escape,
But you aren’t here when my shit hit the fan,
Closed our door in favor of a convenient façade,
And I still make excuses as to why you never gave me a key to my own lock….

Don’t let my guard down,
There’s cruelty in this world,
And who better to show you than those closest to you,
With words to hurt and actions to make you bleed,
You were my redemption,
But how was I to know this redemption came with a price tag?
Too much, you were too much on my heart,
I’m going under, with no one to pull me out,
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped to numb my reality of you…

on the carpet

Love is borrowed,
Cheap and sweet,
Like the wine swirling my glass,
Left to stain the carpet as it falls to the floor,
A love as hard,
Defensive and cruel,
With words to match the breaking of my heart,
Because no one wants a loved like this.

Fatal and peaceful go hand in hand,
Laughing and falling down together,
Crushing all in its path,
And they tumble through the thorns and maggots,
The dirt clinging to them like a secret left to share,
Covering the cuts and bruises,
And tear stains to match the carpet,
This love is hollow,
Living on borrowed time,
Used, torn in two and cheapened by one to many shots,

Like the wine swirling in my glass,
Rich and thick and full of things to help me forget,
Because this is defense is the last thing standing between me and you,
And I can’t let you have this victory.

red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

hard to swallow

I’ll keep swallowing that poison you feed me,
Hoping one day I won’t want to spit back in your face,
Maybe one day I won’t feel its effects so deeply,
The acid burning my throat each time it threatens to resurface.
Perhaps it was my loneliness
Or maybe it was yours that kept us crawling back to this hole,
Down and down we go,
Falling into those bad habits and repetition that numbs us,
Hard to miss the sun when your eyes have adjusted to the darkness,
And everything that lurks in it.

Give me that poison,
It’s about time for my dose,
Seems I feel to much, fell victim to its effects,
So dependent,
Shaky and weakened,
I reach for you,
Helpless,
But I know that’s how you need me to be,
Can’t have that strength showing up at the wrong moment,
A real mood killer if you can’t get it up,
But I wish my snark and witt hadn’t left me,
And I wish I had that venomous tongue,
And not just what you’ve injected in, coursing through my veins,
My words have lost their bite, their conviction,
As I swallow that poison once more,
Letting in numb me, preparing me for you and your twisted love