red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

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hard to swallow

I’ll keep swallowing that poison you feed me,
Hoping one day I won’t want to spit back in your face,
Maybe one day I won’t feel its effects so deeply,
The acid burning my throat each time it threatens to resurface.
Perhaps it was my loneliness
Or maybe it was yours that kept us crawling back to this hole,
Down and down we go,
Falling into those bad habits and repetition that numbs us,
Hard to miss the sun when your eyes have adjusted to the darkness,
And everything that lurks in it.

Give me that poison,
It’s about time for my dose,
Seems I feel to much, fell victim to its effects,
So dependent,
Shaky and weakened,
I reach for you,
Helpless,
But I know that’s how you need me to be,
Can’t have that strength showing up at the wrong moment,
A real mood killer if you can’t get it up,
But I wish my snark and witt hadn’t left me,
And I wish I had that venomous tongue,
And not just what you’ve injected in, coursing through my veins,
My words have lost their bite, their conviction,
As I swallow that poison once more,
Letting in numb me, preparing my for you and your twisted love

 

he used to tell me he loved me…

He used to tell me he loved everything about me,
Used to tell me I was the one made to please him,
Give him the future he deserved to have,
Under a microscope of pressure and hatred out of his own control,
(Because that would mean he was cable of more than that,
And my heart can’t heal knowing he was capable of loving things but me).

He used to shower me with an odd type of affection,
Left me drowning in it,
Never able to surface without his help, and his love,
Not truly loving behind prying eyes,
But just enough for those eyes to be fooled,
Seeing something they thought they saw.
And perhaps this needed to be said,
Needed to be felt so I could learn what love is and isn’t,
But I wish life didn’t have to prove us wrong is some many hurtful ways for us to get the
message,
Because then my heart wouldn’t have to bend and break so many times
Until I can’t recognize it,
Its cracks and missing pieces making up a shadow,
Hollow in its form but I still carry the weight as though it were with me now.

Sometimes it’s okay to be lonely, trust in how my heart never clung to yours,
It’s okay to need the space and let myself be alone,
Because it could have saved me a lot of heartbreak and scars,
Or at least teach me the way love should and shouldn’t be,
So maybe, just maybe I should thank him.
Because he used to tell me he loved me, possessive and lovely and capable of a lot more
hurt and nurture,
But he taught me to grow, to accept the things I can’t change,
To look for the ones I can,
And never let the heart be fool by pretty words and blind affection.

the way you love me…

You once told me we deserve the love we earn,
And I know that’s not the way love works,
Its should be peaceful, coming home and unconditional,
But my fragile heart has suffered for so long she can’t tell the difference between a love she deserves and an affection that is fleeting and harmful.
And I let you take advantage of my heart, this body, my mind,
Because I can’t live without your twisted love,
Or rather, you conditioned me to believe so,
And I’m no longer able to tell the difference.

Hold me down,
And I’ll moan loud,
Just enough so you think I’m enjoying thrust after thrust,
Because I’m afraid of what would happen if you thought I wasn’t.
I thank god for your hand at my neck,
Because it lets me hide the tears in the space between the sheets and pillow.
And my body shakes and quivers,
And I let you believe it’s from the pleasure you grant.
Kiss my lips, hard enough to bruise, hard enough to leave your mark,
So everyone knows the kind of love you think I deserve.

This kind of love seems to be love in your words only,
Because I know I hate this, hate the way this makes me feel,
But, I’m more afraid of your anger than this treatment I told myself I could handle.
Because I could never name it for what it is,
That would make it a hard reality,
One I can’t bare to face,
Because that makes it real and I’d be unable to hide from the black and blue that stare
back at me.
So shake me, tied me down to this fucked up love,
And I’ll pretend this is the love I deserve, the love I crave
.

your version of forever

You say you want forever,
Keep me lock in your arms, trapped in the feelings you provide alone,
A puppet for you to toy with at your leisure,
A love like this never needs the freedom to find itself again.
Never let my heart escape, you said,
For it should have found its home with you.
But we both know that those pretty words shouldn’t be taken as is,
What’s lurking beneath the surface is ugly and hollow.
You say you want my heart, my everything. But,
It’s hard to give when your forever lasts as long as your interest.
So your grip loses, your mind wanders further and further along with that hollowed heart.
But your cage rusts around me, so walking away unharmed turned into a callous dream.
Serving to remind me of your forever my heart so desperately clung to..

fabricated tells

The way the words spill out of your mouth, so naturally,
As bitter as they are sweet,
I clung to them like an addict hooked on that last fix,
Lonely and vulnerable—looking for justification under false pretenses,
We were two liars trying to convince each other of the same truth.
Down, down and down we fall,
Tumbling into the other’s deceptions as we go,
I should have stopped this when I saw your tell,
The fabricated tells that made the relationship an easy downfall.
Should I have known when you stopped smiling when I entered the room?
Or was it the way your hands would squeeze a little tighter around my throat when you
whispered those things to me in the dark.
Maybe it was when your eyes lost the spark that made me laugh,
The way your smirk stretches across your face at snide backhands you’d make,
Or maybe when those hands started to cause more pain then pleasure,
Only touch me when there were no witnesses,
No one to question the bruises you placed in the dark.

I guess you stuck to me the way I can’t let go of those bad habits,
The ones that you know are bad, so, so bad, yet you find yourself running back when things go wrong, or when things go so right its sin.
I think you and I were always meant to fall into this habit of lying and trickery,
Like the way the sun lies to the moon, for the hopes of a beautiful tomorrow,
Or the way a snake lovingly coils around its next meal.
Though two snakes trying to devour each other never ends satisfyingly.
And the moon will never be as important as the sun, despite her beauty in the dark.
And I tried to convince myself my reality wasn’t that, cowardly and scared to move out of the shadow of you.
Letting you touch me in ways that I never would let my other lovers do,
Allowing such abuse under the guise of friendship and familiarity,
I guess I fell for the illusions of love the way you did,
And in the end we both let the lies we painted get the better of us.
But this is where our tragic love song ends,
Where we find those that are better and worthy of our damaged love.
So goodbye to your and your fabricated tells,
And I hope the damage won’t be enough to ruin us for the rest of this game,
As we fall down and down and down towards the deceptions we created for love.

to play a fool

This will be our final goodbye,
Our farewell to the things that changed us for better and worse,
I gave myself to a fool in love …foolish enough to think…
But that is a tale for dreamers of a better love,
For those who anticipate the ending to a tragedy long before it takes place,
And for those who can weather the storm as it breaks you.
Perhaps that is a tale built in warning, in the cautionary kisses from lovers before,
I gave myself away on the promise of a better feeling, a temporary feeling,
One that I will never replicate, as I could never feel the way you once did,
Cause I never knew you that way, did I?

But there is no use dwelling on the way things could have been
So let me say sorry for the sake of me,
Because I will never be able to move on from you if you keep me trapped by this guilt,
The possession, the bruises and the lies were an odd way to show your love,
And yes, we experience these things differently,
But I know this can’t be what I waited my whole life to feel,
The rush of blood should be from the excitement of you, not the fear,
And it took me a long time to be able to tell the difference.Yes, I let you use me in ways I thought would make you happy,
To eager to keep the peace, to notice the person you were solely turning into,
Or perhaps, that was who you were all along,
And I was too blinded on the thought of that temporary feeling.

So allow me to move on form you, with a bleeding heart and bruised ego,
But know that you did show me the different ways to love,
How not to love, how not to treat the person you’ve chained to your side,
And let me learn these lessons the hard way, for that seems to be the only way my heart
knows how,
But know that she has learned a great deal from you.
So maybe you were once a fool in love, but I think our definitions of fool are drastically different,
Because while I was a fool to trust you, a fool to give herself away on a temporary thing
You are a fool, one who will never learn from his wrongs,
A court jester stuck pleasing a king, who has already decided cut off his head,
A fool no one will miss in the days to pass.