shine

It’s hard to see you with your past,
This person isn’t the one I loved,
Who you were with her is painful to watch,
So subdued, so submissive to malicious intent,
Only a shell,
And it only makes it harder, to know that.
Eager to fulfill everyone’s happiness but your own,
It’s sad, hard to watch,
I looked away for a long time
Blinders on when it came to you,
Until I couldn’t be blinded by you any longer,
So in need of, something, anything,
A saving grace, a prayer sent up to deaf ears,
Anything to pull to for the toxic life you settled for,
So hard now, to look back and remember how you were,
Who you were with had molded,
But now, in my hands,
Molded into the person I love,
The one who chose happiness, your own
It’s hard to look at you,
And not be blinded by how you shine.

prince charming

You wanted a Prince,
Someone to sweep you off your feet,
To pull you up from the messes you made from the hearts you’d broke,
And tell you everything will be okay,Because someone would take it from there.
You wanted someone to clean you up,
Make you a better version of yourself that you had dreamed of,
(Because you didn’t have the discipline or the strength to create her yourself)
So you wished on every shooting star,
Dug you fingers into the Earth for that one four leaved clover,
And prayed, to anyone willing to listen to the broke pleas,
Hoping you’d be given what you desperately wanted.

What was sent your way…
Wasn’t at all what you thought,

Instead you got nothing but the arrogance of a prince,
Entitlement that made your heart cringe and your lips bruise,
Tears that blinded you to everything that was so, so wrong with it,
Yet you still let it happen.
Let them into your heart, your body,
Expecting the next to heal the wounds from the last,
So surprised, dumbfounded as to how you’d come out worse than before,
(But tell ‘em, who are you kidding?)
(You knew what was best for you, fuck everything, and everyone else)
And you stand strong against the current,
The waves of endless abuse and perverse love,
Because you know this is part of it all,
Even when it doesn’t feel like it,
Love is there. Just look harder.

You wished and prayed,
Yet here you are,
Heart broken too many times to count,
And nothing to show for it,
You got princes, Kings even,
Whose head was too big for their crown,
Whose kingdom saw what you were to blind to,
And here you are,
A Queen with scars and a broken heart, rising to meet her King one last time,
Facing him head on and ready to fight for what she deserves…
Many a noble have laid their lives on the line in the battle of love,
Good luck my Queen,And may you find that thing you sought for, for so long…
After all, isn’t this what you wished for?

pieces of the shattered glass you threw,

I’m left picking up pieces of the shattered glass you threw,
Bottles that you drank from too long, too much,
And the poison had been in your system,
Blocking what sobriety had to offer.

This darkness I’ve known my whole life,
Become accustom to it,
Partaking in it myself,
But my demons are my own,
And I can only blame you for your actions, not the way they affecting me.

This fear I’ve let linger in the back of my mind,
Comes to life in each sip of the glass,
And my lips savor the excuse of not dealing with it.
But you, I can never know if your reasons are like my own,
Throwing, and clinging to the bottle,
Hiding behind the affects of ignorance,
I can’t ignore the problem like you do,
And that gives me the strength to fight my demons

Yet I fear your succumb to yours already,
And there is nothing I can do to pull you from your self-made abyss
Throwing glass, I’m left to pick up the pieces,
never knowing your cry for help only echoed my own…

state of mind

You are everything I want, but nothing I’ll actually need,
So while it’s nice to want you, to crave you in ways I’ve never felt,
I know you could never be my everything.
But that’s okay; I’m learning to accept that something’s aren’t always so simple,
And yet, some things are just that. Don’t waste your thoughts on me,
For I’ve already moved onto the next adventure,
And thoughts of wanting you have flown from my head as though they were carried by the wind.

In another life, maybe we could have been more to each other,
But not here, not now, and most certainly not like this,
I’m amazed we never found each other before,
Or maybe we have, we could never know. I suppose that’s fate.

These tests of time have proven far too much for a fragile heart
So quick to latch onto feelings that were never hers,
But she is quick to learn, only tempting the fires because she can, not cause she doesn’t know better.
But that’s okay; she is always eager to learn and discover the things that make this life so tragic and beautiful.
And now she is moving on, to a destined place that only her and the wind that carries her knows,
And thoughts have you are far removed from this state of mind.

drunken love

Am I drunk in love?
Intoxicated on the essence of you and the way you make my head spin,
Or am I merely a drunken fool?
Too far gone to know when to stop, invincible in my stupor.
Whose to say there’s even a difference,
Maybe they simply bleed into each other, starting off with the best parts until the best parts aren’t enough.
Perhaps that is why drunks cling to the bottle as though it were a lifeline,
Because life is simply too plain and numb when not felt with intense feeling and wide
eyes,
Perhaps that is why the bottom of a bottle always holds more appeal then the conversation that follows a broken heart.

Have I drunk enough? Have I not even touched the surface?
How can I tell when enough is enough and I’ve have too much,
Because from where I’m sitting, the liquor burns just the same going down as it does out.
Love is such a fickle thing, beautiful and tragic and always craving more than a soul should allow,
Always wanting what it shouldn’t desire, because what’s better than a taboo romance trapped in the longing of a heart that thrives on the attention of the one that will never be theirs.
What is it about the forbidden fruit that has us climbing trees and jumping off its branches?
What could possibly be in those seeds that have us tipsy on the thought alone?
Perhaps it is one of the mysterious working of the heart and her twisted games.
Yet, this addictive taste is what keeps me coming to play the game night after night,
Idealistically hoping the rules to the game will change overnight,
And I would be able to win the game of hearts among cheats and spades.

tick-tock goes the clock

It’s time to deal with the things that haunt me in the present,
Try to bury them with the other demons from my past.
I’m only as strong as the things that define me,
But darling, this silence is piercing, stopping me from taking the first step.

Time has a funny way of exposing the truth to us,
Sometimes it is a steady reveal, others come crashing down at the worst times,
Because it’s the things in the moment we can handle,
We’re forced to face them head on, it’s the only thing we can do.
It’s what comes after those silent, halting seconds that terrify us,
That root us in fear, doubt and shame.
Frozen in that singular moment.
So tick-tock goes the clock,
Not caring what damage it causes, only knowing it must move forward,
With or without all the smiles of their faces.

I can never tell when I start adjusting my reality,
Can never see anything outside side of “what do I do now?”
So I sink to the ground, holding my heart, hollowed eyes shedding twin regret,
And in the aftermath I call for you,
Shout and scream and weep for a presence other than my own,
For you to come at my most desperate hour,
Only to be greeted by that defining silence.

embraced shame

Can’t say I’m ashamed that you have this control over me,
I know it; let it embrace me overtime, every time,
Because I know fighting it leads to more damage than I can recover from,
And I give in so much easier every time you come back into my heart,
It almost seems like instinct now,
Does that make me a coward?
A girl who can’t protect her heart from the predator who devours on sight,
Or does that make me a survivor,
Knowing this is a battle I can’t fight and come out victorious,
At least not alone,
But the help isn’t there now,
So I let you in, square up and stand on what little ground I have left,
While it only takes you one final push to send me down, falling over the edge…
They’ll say I let you in,
I gave you the keys, hell, even opened the door
And what’s worse about all the shame and guilt?
I know deep down, I feel it even now,
Is that some part of me knows it’s true…

a new year (but same old me)

New year, new me—And this year I mean it,
No longer will I be waiting for you to come knocking on my bedroom door,
I won’t accept visitors after the darkest hour. (That was not in me resolution).
Yet, as the months go by, my body craves what I will not feed it,
And I find myself at your doorstep, just as the ball begins to descend,
New year, finally, for it has been far too long without you in my blood stream.

New year new me I say, yet it is so hard to change the habit of you,
I can never seem to break. For you have been with me so long,
I wouldn’t know how to celebrate without your presence,
Or the comfort it brings to my reckless heart.
New year, I want to be a new me, but I’d be so lost without you,
My head hurts to dwell on it for to long.
So I drink to you and your selfish ways,
Hoping your new year, new me won’t swallow my alive.

I’ve been working on the things that are wrong and right this New Year,
But my pride won’t let me admit my defeat (She is the number one vice),
So this New Year, new me plea is simple, and quick.
I need you in the way the sun never fails to raise a new year,
In a way that the moon dies a little each sunrise for 365 days,
So New Year, but same me, because there can never be a me without you, can there?
I’ll ring it the New Year the best way I know how,
With me, myself, and I, writing my most intimate thoughts for the world to see.
And when you come to collect the debt I owe, I will be ready with arms open wide,
To receive the twisted love meant only for my bad habit and me.

f*ck

Fuck,
It’s a breath of relief,
And utterance shakily released,
Because I’m not sure how to feel anymore,
Safe, secure, content with the routine of this,
Or scared, anxious and dreading a future already decided for me,
Or too predicted,
I’m not sure anymore
It swims in my head,
Never allowing me to gasp for air,
Instead, I tread the waters, happy to steal slips of those precious moments of freedom,
Of air, am I allowed to stray from these thoughts?
Because I want to,
Want an escape to cope with your dread,
Of being trapped to you,
Fuck
It’s a exclamation if anger, of panic, of doubt,
I don’t think I’ll survive this,
I think you know that, and the smile of tainted grace sends my instinct into overdrive,
Fuck fuck fuck,
What have I gotten myself into this time
I don’t think I can make it out without the scars this time…

The Story We Could Have Been

They love to talk about us; the story we could have been
But I know that our romance is better left in the pages of an untold story,
So watch this fairytale collapse in itself and lets get whisked away on a happily never after.
It’s safer that this infatuation remains in my head,
For anything to spill over would be, well,
Let’s go back to the start of it all and try to remember how we got here,
Because I’m tried of talking about the speculation and could- be’s,
That fairytale that never was…

I miss when we didn’t care what others thought,
When life and time were the only obstacles we cared to face together,
But know our heads are lost in the clouds;
Our tongues tied in the lies we tell each other,
Our heart could never know how much they mean to the other,Old flames seem to die so slowly,
There embers burning through the long, lonely nights,
Eager to warm a cold bed; an even colder heart.
But I’ve had my fair share of those lust filled nights
When old flames burn too brightly to last anything more than that night,
So lets meet under the moon, when our eyes have blocked out reality,
And try to remember a time when we could have been more than this.