Paragon Dreams

They say keep things close that you value,
Merit, honor, loyalty, even love,
Things worthy of my time and heart,
But I could never touch those things,
Hold them in my hand and watch as they fall when I let them.
So I cast them off,
Upright and righteous never sounded more pretentious.

Paragon, you were the best I could have dreamt up,
Laughable in its purity and innocence,
You were mine though, the one thing I held close,
But dreams have a funny way of distorting reality
And I found those ethical ideals falling short of my imagination,
You became a thing I couldn’t recognize,
A dream I never found, thoughts that never left my head.

I was never someone’s charity
No matter how many cries for help or victims I left behind me,
So I left you behind,
Because you were not everything I thought you’d be,
And I couldn’t touch you, keep my hands around you to make you stay,
So I watched you fall,
Casting you aside with those dreams I couldn’t quite remember.



I’ve never been so sure of anything until you,

And it’s funny,
Cause these doubts and fears are still there,
Still plague me when I’m vulnerable and at my lowest,
But I always seem to find my way back to you,
The haunting never keeping me long,
Though it still scares me shitless.
How fears and doubts melt away,
That kind of power should never be taken lightly,

But with you,

I knew I’d never have to be afraid again,
Safety is a blessing and it found a home in my heart,
To kept and looked after forever,
And forever always sounded daunting,
But never when I look for it with you.

red lips and bruises

I talked to him today,
He was quiet,
Unsure as the first time I spoke up,
But that’s okay, progress is progress,
Or so I’m told.

I want to scream at him,

Cry and scream and screech until I can’t hear myself over my sobs,
Clawing their way up through the doubt and hatred I have,

Because he’ll never know,

Never understand the damage he did.

He still smiles slightly when he sees me,
Like he thinks he knows what to say that will make it all better,
(Probably because it’s worked one too many times for him,
Roses and bruises and red lips all fade….)

What’s love without a little harm?
Fight like lovers do,
But I always end up at the bottom of the bed,
Cradling another broken piece,
Dripping onto the floor,
The blood and tears create a mural of hollowed…something’s….
A script of what to avoid, that last next time,
What not to do that one last time…

But I talked to him today,
He was silent as the grave,
Guess he didn’t prepare for that next time to be his last.

oh darling (what have you become?)

Young eyes and innocent dreams never make it,
Always corrupted by some broken heart,
Ready to tear down the world on a single failed song,

Oh darling,
Why do you cling to these people?
The ones who dragged you down and down,
Bottoming out and leaving you to crawl,
Letting them keep you in the confides of their safely placed arms,

Oh darling,
Why do you let them shatter your fragile spirit?
Young eyes clouded by the blind,
Wandering the dark for a answer.
Your dreams darkening as the tears begin to stain you pillow,

Oh darling,
What have you become?
I can’t save you from this,
Locked inside the cage you’ve built,
Lost among the forgotten dreams,
dancing around the innocent hearts you used to be,

Oh darling….

drunk dials

Your hold on me carries me through the night,
Something I can’t seem to let go,
Dependence that I let masquerade as independence,
Far longer than I’d care to admit,

Because I never needed you, I wanted you,
And the difference between that want and need must be there,
I won’t admit it to myself otherwise,

This call is a mistake,

(But it seems my fingers have a mind of their own,
And your voice brings back so, so many things….)

I wished you’d send me to voicemail,
Let me get out what I need to say without you listening,
It’s always to cry to nothing than a sympathetic ear.

I always find my way back to you,
Regardless of what I actually need, and something not even wanted…
Time and time again I wish I could break your spell,
But here I go again,
Drunk dialing those ten numbers that I needed to memorize…
Just in case…


What does you heartbeat sound like now?
Now that you’re lying next to someone else,
Now that you’re being held by arms that are not mine…

I used to know,

Most times I wish I didn’t,
But be careful what you wish for,
Because it all came true on that night you walked away,
And all I’m left with is the sound of you footsteps,

Walking away,
Taking that precious heartbeat with it…

blurred cosmos (the way things should be)

It seems only certain things affect me the way I want,
I suppose that’s true,

But I wish the white wine swirling my glass made me as philosophical as red,
Or the venom in my veins, made me see stars and beautiful cosmos
Blurred and so clear its divine,
The same way your love opens my eyes,

But it seems I have fallen victim to perception and perspective,
Blinded by the things I want to see,
No longer the way they actually are.