suffocation

Sometimes I forget you still live in the back of my mind,
I’ve gotten good at forgetting about you,
Whatever it takes,
Remember, you first uttered those words when we thought we’d never make it past the start,
And we made it past so many things,
Only they weren’t enough.

Some days I go 24 hours without the thought of you crossing my mind,
I laugh like I used to, a little lighter,
Smile and forget there is a reason that I shouldn’t be,

And then,
Then there are the days when the shapes of the clouds make my heart ache,
The sound of a horn reminding me when you cursed me out after a bad joke,
The sound of your choked laughter as you realized it was pretty funny…
The sound of your heart breaking, and finally the sound of nothing,

Just the silence of our ending…that came too quickly for words.

And it’s not the thought of missing you that makes me sad,
It’s the fact that I have to experience all of life without you,
The way the clouds darken right before a storm
I dance and you shake your head, grabbing me and we run for cover under the trees,

We did that…right?
Or is that just another imagined reality I wished for us…

Some days it’s hard to hear anything other than the silence you left behind,

Some days…you’re so loud I can’t hear you over my thoughts,

And I don’t know that days I dread more.
(…or hope for…)
But that’s the only connection I have left.
So I let both those days drown me,

And pray I have enough air to make it out from under you…

3 thoughts on “suffocation

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