to be loved and then loved by you

Who would I be when I was still with you?
Would we have grown together,
Embraced our flaws and learned to be what the other needed…
Then,
Would we have grown sick of each other,
Hating the very things that made us fall in love.
Love, such a loose word for us.
Would that have changed too?
Or,
Would things have remained the same,
The same tired lies and excuses,
Our fights that grew harder and frequent and violent.
The walls that grew and grew, until I wished to throw you over.

The same abuse I let happen,
Again and again,
The bruises faded so the damage wasn’t permanent.
The same tired lies and excuses.

Because I thought that’s what was needed to keep us together,
Would I have learned to love that too?
What if is such a dangerous game?
And I still played it with you
Countless times,
Because what if it changed,
What if, what if, what if, what if….

I scream it until my throat is raw,
What if I had been enough,
What if you were good for me, and god how I wish you were.
But that was the naivety in me,
What if I had been smarter,
What If I got tired of the same old lies and excuses.
What if I told myself I deserve better…
Because I did.
I still play this game,
But at least I will never know what it is like to love and still be loved by you.