How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Prompt: A satirical approach on something commonly found in popular culture, fiction, TV, etc.

How TO Survive the Zombie Apocalypse : A Step by Step Guide
By Kristen Corbisiero

Step 1: In the days before, take time to cut off the loose ends in your life—Call your sister, stand up to your dick boss and quite your job, finally eat at that new Brazilian restaurant. That way, when the zombies start emerging, you can feel better knowing you have no regrets.

Step 2: Call your mother. Tell her you’ll always love her, even when she becomes a flesh-eating zombie. Hang up before she can respond.

Step 3: Lock yourself in your apartment. Watch all movies pertaining to zombie apocalypses [Except those stupid rom-com ones. As if, Hollywood]. Buy all necessary supplies.

Step 4: When the zombies do start appearing, don’t panic. They smell fear. Calmly assess the situation and think rationally about what to do next…though you were never much of a planner.

Step 5: Close the doors and lock the windows—all that moaning and groaning coming from outside is distracting your thought process.

Step 6: Run next door and grab your neighbor— that is, if they haven’t been eaten yet. It’ll be lonely fighting off Zombies.

Step 7: Time to put your plan into action.
*Results may vary*

Step 8: Realizing that fighting off the zombies is not as easy as Hollywood depicted, rethink your plan.

Step 9: Realizing that you never thought of a plan B, sink to the floor in despair.

Step 10: Congratulate yourself for surviving this long. Embrace the life of a zombie. Call mom back; hope the love goes both ways.


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